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Sexers: Suxers Edition

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Conspiracy theories are proven fact in this edition of the Sexers

Prefacing this with “I am a simple blog boy who does not often slander players because I don’t know them personally and this is all a joke”

There’s no Sexers this week. They all stink and should tie their shoelaces together so they’re forced to hop around in sadness until they all fall down, to the pleasure of many of us.

This week instead, we are replacing them with either the Suxers, or the Simpxers.

Maybe the Sixers’ trade deadline moves can make their team cool again, but for now, the team has become borderline unwatchable. As fingers are half-risen ready to point blame, it’s important to take a step back and understand the possibility that none of this is their fault and the events impacting them are being puppeteered (now a word, no need to fact-check) by the folks over at NBA Headquarters. Missing shots? Refusing to shoot? Terrible-looking contracts? It’s actually not their fault.

Adam Silver’s agenda against the Sixers via the use of magnets in the rims continues. We’ve seen it over the years. The big noticeable ones being the Mudiay shot in Denver, the Kawhi shot, and you could even track it back pre-Adam Silver to the shot Devin Harris hit over Andre Iguodala in Jersey. The NBA just clearly has it out for the Sixers, who have and will have sex with the league’s husbands and wives.

You can pick out the magnets on a game-to-game basis too. Just shots that simply shouldn’t drop, finding a way to go down. Elton Brand had no choice but to get a bunch of Tall Boys in order to try to fight the magnets and score from as close to the rim as possible, before the magnets could deter the track of the ball in the air.

More evidence? The Sixers clearly caught wind of this last year after the Kawhi shot. I mean, didn’t we all? It bounced four f*#$ing times.

So someone inside the team’s operations has been denying the league access to the Wells Fargo Center so that they are unable to install said magnets. However, the other 29 arenas are open for business. This results in some pretty jarring home/road splits for the Sixers this season.

With the league out to get them, the team has 45/33/74 shooting splits on the road, compared to 48/37/75 at home!

22-2 at home. 9-18 on the road.


So Adam Silver’s maniacal plan to get back at the Sixers for Sam Hinkie presumably sleeping with his wife is working out well.

Upon being drafted, Silver struck a deal with Ben Simmons. The deal is to just not shoot the ball, to enrage Philadelphia, the town that supported the wife-stealing Samuel Hinkie. The cruelty comes in that Ben Simmons is undeniably,,, hot.

Philadelphia not being able to fully appreciate Ben and his hotness because the league executives brainwashed him into refusing to shoot is the lamest form of evil.

Silver has had his henchmen pay off enough NBA players to inflict Joel Embiid with freak injuries like breaking his face and trying to pull his ring finger off of his body.

Al Horford is quite obviously a double agent who was sent here by the NBA and Celtics to sabotage the team. It’s not even subtle at this point. Every time he misses a bunny and smacks his hands in “disappointment” you can here him mutter “long live Ainge” as he jogs back on defense.

Tobias Harris is just inconsistent; I don’t know if the league did anything to him.

A team that is linked with several league conspiracies, hampered by a lack of depth, and being too sexy.

They were destined to fail spectacularly.

Now is for holding out and hoping they pull a 180 and become one of the best 16-game teams in NBA history.

If you went this far into this dumb article, make sure to stay tuned to Liberty Ballers for post-trade deadline coverage.