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The Sexers have assembled

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Elton Brand did it. He assembled the sexiest team in league history.

NBA: Playoffs-Philadelphia 76ers at Toronto Raptors Tom Szczerbowski-USA TODAY Sports

It bounced four times, but whatever. We didn’t get everyone on board to Run it Back, but whatever. Because the basketball team in Philadelphia is about to be something much much bigger than what it was last year. Elton Brand went out this offseason and brought together a group of remarkable people who share one thing in common: apex sexiness.

It’s quite obvious that Sixers GM Elton Brand went into this offseason with one goal: construct the largest team in Association history. But what many didn’t see was the subplan to gather as many heartthrob players as he could.

Brand’s goal seemed to get off to a rough start, as the team lost its crop-top-wearing, Greek-god-sculpted, super-six-pack-bad-ass, Jimmy Butler, to the sunny beaches of Miami (where he will enjoy his retirement). But Elton “It’ll All Make Sense Soon” Brand had it all handled.

After obviously tampering to yank Al “Look Into My Eyes and Find Out What True Happiness Feels Like” Horford away from the Bean Town Shamrocks, it was obvious that Brand was not messing around. Not only is Horford the best possible mentor for the young goliath superstar Joel Embiid, Horford is also handsome as hell and has some of the softest eyes you’ve ever seen. And while Boston might not have appreciated Al Horford the player, it was clear that Boston knew what they had in Al Horford the sex icon…

As previously stated, the Sixers lost Jimmy Butler to retirement, but they were able to pull off a sign-and-trade for self proclaimed “weirdo” Josh Richardson. Richardson has the looks, he has the hair, he has the defense, he might have the shooting and creation, but boy, does the man have the personality. A shallow dive through his tweets can further confirm that.

A man of taste (sorry if this correct food take annoys anyone).

A man of cinema.

A man of the children.

A man who’s got jokes.

A man of... the Birds?

A man of the 90s.

A man of holiday festivity.

A man with sensitivity.

A man of Bikini Bottom.

A man of.... FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL QUOTES?

A man of Philly.

We had a sexy wing for half a season, but I, for one, was never convinced that he was full tilt “cool.” Josh Richardson is sexy AND cool. While attending Tennessee, Richardson had his life plan set to become an orthopedic surgeon. It wasn’t until his junior year that he decided to take basketball more seriously and work to get drafted by an NBA team. Imagine that? For three years you’re studying to become a bone doctor, then you just decide to try and break into the NBA instead, and you succeed? That’s some king shit right there. Josh Richardson is a certified beast. He might even be able to be a team doctor if they need him, and lord knows the Sixers could use a bone doctor on their staff.

Elton’s sexy plan might have flown under the radar for the majority of fans through these first two moves, until he went out and signed the heartbreakers Raul Neto and Kyle O’Quinn. By that point, the league had caught on, and my sources (I have none) confirmed that the rest of the NBA began to grow worrisome of what the Sixers front office was doing in this Hot Girl, City Boy Summer. The deep bench is a threat to any team, even if they don’t step foot on the court.

There was a clear lack of depth off the bench last year for the Sixers, and while the talent may not have been completely addressed, the bodies are there. While the Sixers will be destroying teams on the court with their curb stomping defense, Elton Brand will be deploying psychological warfare to get under opposing teams’ skins.

I can’t even begin to fathom the idea of being an opposing player in the Wells Fargo Center and looking over to see Raul Neto on the bench. Imagine, you flew your entire posse out to see you play, and you look over at Neto and just know that your girlfriend, your mom, your sister, your friends, your dad, your grandparents, your neighbors, your old AP Macroeconomics teacher, and the rest of your gang are all going to be hypnotized by the perfect human being: Raul Neto. Staying in front of Ben Simmons is already an impossible task, now imagine having to do that, while at the same time making sure Raul Neto isn’t serenading your girlfriend with Rivers and Roads by The Head and the Heart. You’re either giving up a bucket or giving up your girl, or in all likelihood, both.

If Neto wasn’t enough, imagine the humble, jolly-bearded giant Kyle O’Quinn sitting next to him. His gravity on the bench just invites hugs from everyone and anyone. I hope Brett Brown gets creative with the playbook and has Kyle O’Quinn yell encouraging things to opposing players, so that they feel obligated to stop playing, go over to the bench, and hug Kyle O’Quinn, who will then trap the opposing, small bicep’d player and give the Sixers a five-on-four advantage. His infectious smile and joyous persona add depth on the deep bench for this Sexers squad.

O’Quinn and Neto are experienced vets in the game within the game, and they could be great mentors to the young bash brothers Zhaire Smith and Matisse Thybulle, whose great potential as elite defenders in the NBA is matched with equal potential in SG/48 (Stolen Girls per 48 Minutes).

Sticking with Brett Brown’s playbook here: on the defensive side of things, he should try to force Matisse to guard the point of attack at the top of the key, and instruct Matisse to stand up straight, smile, and politely ask for the ball. Now, with most rookies, this might not work, but that smile, those eyes, and his angelic laugh would be hard for any player’s heart not to melt and simply hand Matisse the basketball.

Turn to his anti-gravity summer league partner Zhaire Smith, and you can find one of the most wholesome people on the planet. Zhaire was already an optimistic kid prior to his near death experience that left him rehabbing for most of the 2018-19 season, but in every interview since then, he has expressed his love for the game and life itself. When asked if he appreciated the game more after his incident, he quickly responded: “Oh I appreciate it a lot more, I don’t take nothing for granted, I come out have fun… and just, let it all out because you’ll never know what’s gonna happen the next day”

Zhaire could throw a right hook of wholesomeness to the face of anyone with his positive outlook on life, but then, he can come right back at you with a left hand of pure power. While recovering from his allergy incident, Serena Winters of NBC Sports Philadelphia reported that Zhaire was doing up to 300 push-ups a day in the hospital.

Wholesome AND extremely jacked? That’s Sexers.

This new look Sixers team is full of vibrant personalities and budding chemistry. Following the freefall that Sixers twitter fell into once free agency originally opened, it’s encouraging to see how the new guys have rounded out what should be a more balanced roster, as well as far and away the sexiest team in the entire league, and it really starts with the coach.

It is well known that Sixers head coach Brett Brown has George Clooney-level attractiveness and is irresistible to anyone within eyesight.

Elton made sure to add to Brett’s supporting cast of coaches with the impossibly handsome Ime Udoka from the Spurs. As previously stated, opposing players will have their hands full keeping their loved ones off of the Sixers’ deep bench, but now opposing coaches will have to make sure they are in form to avoid a Kennedy v. Nixon situation where Brett and crew win because they are less sweaty and much more beautiful.

With all this new handsomeness, it’s imperative to remember that the Sixers already had some sexy bois returning. It’s bizarre that the Nuggets gave Jamal Murray basically the same amount of money for being drastically less sexy than the Aussie boy Ben Simmons.

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Without getting too gossipy, Ben’s dating record is already approaching elite levels and the 23-year-old millionaire shows no signs of slowing down. The phenom has already gotten Philadelphians pretty riled up with the gym footage of his “new” jump shot, but most teams are going to be more worried about if Ben will or won’t be taking his shirt off after the final buzzer, upstanding literally every single player on the court and making them feel bad about their less chiseled bodies. We aren’t body shaming in the year 2019. Ben Simmons doesn’t mean to do it, it just happens. I feel bad for Ben sometimes, being TOO sexy is a burden.

While we saw what Ben was doing during Hot Boy Summer, Joel was doing his thang out in the Maldives paradise with some blue ass water behind him.

While being sick isn’t sexy, Joel is aware and hopefully will make strides to become the healthiest Joel there is. Keto, vegan, using soap, whatever he’s gotta do to make sure he’s playoff ready, the 7-foot-2 Cameroonian King will be back and as crowd pleasing as ever.

Mike Scott, the newest FromHereKing of Philadelphia is returning for at least two more years, and his prowess knows no bounds. While he has spent his summer interacting with every Sixers fan on twitter except for Liberty Ballers’ own SixersAdam, Mike will be returning as the resident Bad Boy of the Sixers team. Always stepping in to fight for his brothers is a valiant character trait that goes the extra mile in Philadelphia. Scientifically speaking, 103 percent of Philadelphians would rumble if Mike Scott called upon them. Mike has done everything from racing people who claim they can outpace him...

To showing up to weddings an hour after being invited on a Saturday night.

I’m young, but I doubt any athlete in history has come this far out of the blue and become a Top 10-15 most liked athlete in a city quicker than Mike Scott has. It’s unfathomable how this relationship came to be, but it also just makes too much sense. There is no limit to how much Mike Scott could get away with in this city. The fact that he’s a Washington R*dskins fan does not matter.

Everyone deserves love, but Mike Scott deserves a little extra.

While Tobias Harris will attempt to fill the offensive void that Jimmy Butler (retired) left for the team, Tobias himself will be looking to fill the void in his heart. His best friend and mythical creature Boban Marjanovic signed a deal in Dallas, splitting up from Tobias for the first time since 2016. It is up to us, the fans of the Phladelphia 76ers, to be there for Tobias in his time of need. In theory, you get what you give, so if we give our 6-foot-9 small forward some much needed love, he should be able to return the favor <3.

James Ennis came out HOT and basically said the Sixers are winning the championship, no worries. That kind of confidence is sexy.

Jonah Bolden’s role on this team is still uncertain, but he can do his part no matter what, be it grinning that soft smile while pulling off absolute FITS all of next season. Dress to impress. Dress for success. Bring the funk.

And the Sixers inked Shake Milton to a small four-year deal. Like Bolden, Shake’s role is still a bit unknown, but after Robert Covington (Lord Carry Him Now) departed from the team in November, Shake Milton was deemed the new King of the Frosty Freeze Out. As stupid as it sounds, Shake could change the course of the game by extending those looooooooong ass arms and getting the home crowd riled up for the possibility of two missed free throws, and a free frozen treat.

While everyone was over the moon about how sexy this roster had become, Elton made sure his final two roster spots were filled by two more ringers.

The surprising return of Furkan Korkmaz had some Sixers fans confused, but after getting into Elton’s head, it was easy to see why Elton brought back the Turkish Wonder:

Then, Trey Burke: Iverson Awakens snagged the last 15-man roster spot for Elton Brand’s Sixers. There are two things I would like to say about cornrowed Trey Burke.

Number One:

Number Two:

Isn’t it wonderful when a plan comes together? The Sixers are far and away the best looking team in the entire league and their core is going to be together for the foreseeable future?

The Sexers are here and they’re beautiful, time to enjoy it.

Also, an important shout out to Niko, who has been THE Sexers Day One.