Sexers Week 1 Power Rankings

This 2019-20 Sixers team is the Sexiest Team in NBA History, and we’re here to give a Power Ranking of the most “Sexers” players week by week.

Determining the Sexers Rankings: on-court play matters a little, but not too much. We take more consideration into who’s cool, who’s cooler, who’s coolest. Tweets, Instagram posts/comments, post-game soundbites, and other content of this nature all contribute to the Sexers ranking. The list will showcase the Top 7 Sexers per week.

*Disclaimer* Do not read if you are one of the brave souls participating in No Nut November, as the videos, pictures, writing, and overall subject of content in this piece will likely cause you to fail your month-long task.

Well well well, what a wonderfully wild and wacky week we’ve all wexperienced wtogether. The Philadelphia 76ers are UNDEFEATED and are playing some phenomenally fun and cool basketball. With a week (and a half) of basketball under their belts, let’s look at the Week 1 Sexers Power Rankings.

Number One: Joel Embiid

The King is back! After previously stating that he would no longer be participating in trash talk this season, it took a total of 76 game-time minutes for Joel Embiid to physically dominate another player bad enough to get a punch thrown in his direction. While the on-court fight was a spectacle for fans watching across the globe, the aftermath of “The Mischief Night Maul” became an even bigger event. Like usual, Embiid posted a post-victory-Instagram-post, complete with a caption taking shots directly at Karl Anthony-Towns.

A brisk four hours following Embiid’s post, KAT’s social team finally DropBox’d four pictures good enough to (sassily clapping hands) CLAP BACK AT JO-EL EM-BIID

The mayor of Philadelphia held nothing back in his late-night/early-morning response on Instagram and Twitter, and essentially admitted that while playing in Minnesota: Jimmy Butler [redacted] KAT’s former girlfriend.

Messy, personal details aside, Joel Embiid is the top Sexer for the week for his otherworldly bond and connection to a city that simply does not back down and bullies opponents into dust if need be.

But that’s not all he did in his first week of basketball! Joel also took his talents down to Hotlanta and put on a show consisting of an “OH MY GOD” inducing dunk on the Hawks’ John Collins...

As well an eyebrow-raising, “did he really just do that in a game?” pass to Ben Simmons...

Joel Embiid also had a sexy week economically, as his two-game suspension saved the Sixers money!!

Number Two: Ben Simmons, The Peacemaker.

Ben Simmons is also off to a hot, sexy start to the season. Ben conjured up the spirits of Philadelphia to get this layup to fall...

Ben posted a double-double against Detroit. He locked up Trae Young in crunch time of the Hawks game. And, finally, he put Karl Anthony-Towns in a chokehold that had every man, woman, and child of Philadelphia jealous.

Ben Sexmmons was NOT suspended but the league for his involvement in the mauling, as he was seen to be “calming him down with his arms” and was said to be seen as “The Peacekeeper” in the fight.

This expression is basically just a h*rny cheat code.

Naturally, Cookies Hoops is all over The Peacemaker already

But that wasn’t all! Ben stepped up in Portland on Saturday night and delivered two ENORMOUS free throws to give the Sexers the lead, setting up our number-three-ranked Sexer for the glory.

Number Three: Furkan Korkmaz

Brett is growing a BOMBERRR LADIES AND GENTS. After not being ranked last week, Furkan jumps to #3 on the Sexers power rankings as his game-winning shot was apex Sexers. After going for 17 points against Minnesota in a season-high 21 minutes, Furkan bombed his way into more playing time in a record-shattering game. The Sixers had not won a basketball game in Portland since “Boom Boom Pow” was gracing the airwaves back in 2009. In a game sans Joel Hans, it was looking like that streak was going to continue for a full decade. But just one month and twenty-five days before the 10-year anniversary of the last win in Portland, Furkan came cold turkey off the bench for the final possession and somehow, someway banged this shot over Damian Lillard to give the UNDEFEATED Sexers the victory.

The Sexers’ postgame Instagram and Twitter posts tell the story of how much support Furkan has gotten, and overall, how close this team seems to be.

Furkan currently ranks third in the NBA in charges taken. The team needs more grifting if they want to reach apex Sexers. Command the charge, Furkan.

Number Four: Mike Scott

The King of Content just never stops. I’ll try to capture everything he did since mid-October and I’m sorry if I miss anything.

Starting off in Detroit, where he canned five 3-pointers and went plus-11 in a six-point Sexers win.

And gave a great post-game bite about Tobias being an intellectual.

Down in Atlanta he somehow got ejected for the softest Flagrant 2 foul in NBA history, then dapped up his foulee on the way out of the game:

Back in Philly on the Mischief Night Maul, he got as excited as you can be about your seven-foot superstar getting into an all-out brawl.

He braved a Haunted House to prove that he ain’t no...

And finally (I think?) he sported a He Got Game Halloween costume:

Number Five: Brett Brown/Ime Udoka

#FireBrettBrown amirite?????? As hard as it is to admit, the Sexers are undefeated since Brett shaved his silver fox beard. Maybe it was this sort of facial changeup that shook the league to its core, and left teams unprepared for how to play against a clean-faced Brett Brown team. Or maybe it’s the overall better roster construction and strides in his players’ growth that have allowed him to call plays to better optimize talent. Either way, Brett has the Sexers off to their first 5-0 start since the legendary 2000-01 season when the team started 10-0 in prelude to their NBA Finals appearance. Brett even gave an extremely Sexers answer when asked about the team’s height and length:

Much of Brett’s invigoratingly handsome team’s hot start is due to Ime Udoka. The new defensive coach of the Sixers has the squad ranked Top-5 in DefRtg, Top-1 in Steals Per Game, Top-5 in Deflections Per Game, and Top-1 in Loose Balls recovered. This team is very much what people thought it would be on the defensive end. The body-bag Sexers are here and taking no challenge lightly, as they’ve won the war on several of the league’s most prominent scorers early on.

Number Six: Matisse Thybulle

The son of Philadelphia is here! Stats don’t matter, don’t care about ‘em, don’t even go to his bball reference page (unless you want to see that he has 2-plus steals in every single game he’s played). The content from this kid is just genuinely ridiculous. High-usage, high-efficiency when it comes to good posting of the smiley defensive savant. So here, just look…

So adorable. He also put Kemba Walker in jail.

I don’t care if you call him Smiley Andre Roberson, he’s still sexy and he’s still ours :)

Number Seven: Josh Richardson

He’s got cool hair, and right out of the gate, he seemed like he’s #FromHere. Blocking a jump shot, then talking shit to no one in particular? #FromHere

That’s Sexers. Of all the starting five, JRich and Al are the only two to have a positive plus/minus in each of the first five games (Joel has been positive in all three of his games, too). Richardson also gave us the first bell-ringing video of the year with an emphatic and aggressive ringing debut, as well as giving us an eye inside on the Sixers’ new post-game sign-off….

“1 2 3 CHIP”

Honorable Mentions

Al Horford for being a total dad & Tobias because he reads books.

The Sexers are back in action Monday night in Phoenix to square off against Forever Sixer Dario Saric.