Sexers Week 0 Power Rankings

This 2019-20 Sixers team is the Sexiest Team in NBA History, we’re here to give a Power Ranking of the most Sixers players week by week.

Determining the Sexers Rankings: on court play matters a little, but not too much. We take more consideration into who’s cool, who’s cooler, who’s coolest. Tweets, Instagram posts/comments, post game soundbites, and other content of this nature all contribute to the Sexers ranking. The list will only include the Top 7 Sexers per week. So let’s take a look at the Week 0 Rankings heading into opening night…

Number One: MIKE SCOTT

Mike Scott takes the crown to start off our first Sexers Power Ranking. This summer, Philadelphia belonged to Mike as he went on a city wide tour of shenanigans. Showing up to weddings, racing Philadelphia Phillies’ security guards, fighting five Eagles fans at once, and essentially just not being a bitch. I don’t think there has ever been an athlete who has become #FromHere quicker than Mike Scott has. His rise in Philly Fandom is truly remarkable, and his only goal this season should be to sashay his way up the All-Time Philadelphia Sports Heroes List. He won’t make the Iverson/Utley tier (I think) but he should be able to keep playing this crowd to the point where he will never pay for a meal again. #MikeScottHive stand up for Week 0’s Sexiest Sexer.

Number Two: JOEL EMBIID

*the most stan twitter voice ever* OUR KIIIIIIIIING. Following the bounces, the loss, and the crying memes, Joel remains a hero of the Sixers community as our 7’2” (don’t care about the “official measurements”) center from Kansas has his eyes set on a possible MVP/DPOY season. His summer was spent apparently becoming the human form of Geodude.

The Goliath of South Philly looks like he’s got his body right. In all likelihood Joel will be taking some load management games this year, as opposing teams will have to find a way to manage Joel Embiid’s load (of post play and defense and athleticism) against them. This season is sure to be filled with more 69 jokes and dominance on the court. Although he did mention that his trash talk will take a dip as he will focus more on the game, I don’t see that holding up and beefs will continue to be beefed.

Number Three: MATISSE THYBULLE

Matisse Thybulle was just born for this team. General Manager Elton Brand might’ve gotten swindled out of the potentially atomic point guard Carsen Edwards and his big quad; if it means that Philadelphia gets to see Matisse Thybulle smile for the foreseeable future, then I’m happy we’re in this timeline.

Not only has his smile and warmth brightened the day of anyone it’s graced, his defensive play has surpassed many expectations for just how good it is. It’s only preseason no one cares its backups yada yada yada I do not give a damn. The “he played a zone defense he won’t be as good” argument is all but a foot completely out the door as Thybulle’s instincts and defensive ability has been on full display. The Covington comparisons are fun but ultimately I’m just looking for Matisse being his own player as the Smiley Defensive Ruler of the bench unit. More smiles and laughs to come from our newest son all season long

Number Four: BEN SIMMONS

Ben Simmons shot a three… and it went in… sending a wave of ecstasy over the Wells Fargo Center, as well as the entire internet. The moment produced some of the greatest bench reaction pictures, and I’m still honestly at a loss for words still. If he keeps doing it, it’s gonna be a party every night (just wait for the inevitable game winner he hits). Ben loves basketball again, and we love Ben.

Number Five: AL HORFORD

Al Horford is a Sixer. Al Horford is a Sexer. Al Horford is no longer on the Celtics. His dreamy eyes and savvy play are now loyal to the red, white, blue, grey, cream, and other colors of the Philadelphia Seventy Sexers. One less guy who can guard Embiid is gone, and this gorgeous man is gonna be mentoring a world ender for at least four years. His coco butter skin and beautiful bald head is ready to be a swiss army knife for a team with aspirations for a title.

Number Six: BRETT BROWN

Brett Brown shaved his beard, which dropped him a few rankings from the initial Sexers rankings. Nonetheless, the silver fox could still punch my nose through my brain and I’d instinctively apologize to him for my head not caving in far enough. Brett has some stuff to prove this season. His first real team as a head coach that has roster stability. He lost JJ Redick, who was a centric catalyst of many of his play calls, so let’s see if Brett has the playbook depth and creativity to create opportunities for a roster with a severe lack of shooting. Brett’s soundbites and quotes from his media availability leading up to the season have been fiery and full of glee. Seeing Brett Brown happy and excited gets me... happy and excited.

Number Seven: NORVEL PELLE

Norvel Pelle probably won’t make this list ever again, so we’re giving him the honors this week for his tremendous block party he hosted in the preseason game against the Pistons. Pelle is on a two-way contract for the team, so his nuclear jumps will likely be reserved for Delaware but for the preseason rankings: You’re a Sexer, Norvel Pelle.

The Sexers start off their campaign for a title tonight at home against Boston. Let’s rock.