The Sixers finally have a GM, so now it’s back to wildly outré theoretical situations that can only happen in the NBA offseason. Although training camp just started and there’s a lot to talk about considering the crux of Markelle Fultz’s revitalized jump shot and the conundrum of whether or not the Sixers should consider trading for Jimmy Butler, take a quick break from reality and travel to a universe where the Philadelphia 76ers are about to engage in bloodbath of a fight, inspired by the 2004 Will Ferrell movie, Anchorman.
For those who have seen the movie I’m sure you are familiar with the legendary Fight Scene between each news station and for those that (somehow) haven’t seen it, here is said scene:
So, if the Sixers were to be involved in an Anchorman Style Street Fight, what weapons would each of them use?
Ben Simmons: Boomerangs
This one is kind of obvious, the 6’10 Aussie can already sling a 29.5 inch sphere through every nook and cranny put in front of him, so hurling a bent piece of wood should be no problem for him. In theory, Simmons would be rather good in an all out brawl as he is supremely quick, powerful, and coordinated. I’m sure he’d fare rather well as a member of the Sixers Fight Squad.
Joel Embiid: Literally a Giant Club
So imagine you’re a member of the Jazz Fight Team or something and you’re scrambling around trying to avoid spears and bullets and tridents soaring through the air, then you come out of a pack and standing in front of you is a seven foot two, grown ass man with a giant wooden caveman club. Before you can even think twice, he uses his seven foot six inch wingspan to smash your head in to the pavement with such force that your skull becomes a powder that delicately blows away in the breeze (this actually might be a dream for many patrons of Sixers twitter, who often ask Joel and other Philadelphia athletes to inflict pain upon them in a wide variety of ways).
TJ McConnell: Is just the guy from Inglorious Bastards with the baseball bat
That’s right, we’re crossing one fictional character in to another fictional universe in this completely fictional scenario. TJ is a fighter. All of Philadelphia knows that. So him scurrying around a melee trash talking and recklessly swinging around a baseball bat is almost too real.
Side note: the tags around his neck aren’t for his confirmed kills, they stand for each time he stole more than three inbounds passes in a single game (stat may not be factually accurate).
Robert Covington: Purple Lightsabers
The wheels are off the bus as we’re going to continue with these fictional weapons. Don’t even think twice, Robert Covington is a Jedi master. Don’t question it, don’t argue it, just accept it as a fact. Cov gets the honor of the purple lightsaber much like Mace Windu, regarded as one of, if not the best in lightsaber combat. Combine Robert’s wingspan and quick hands and you’ve got yourself a once in a generation Jedi swordsman.
Markelle Fultz: Stormbreaker
New season, new Fultz, new weapon. If you’ve seen the latest installment of Marvel’s Avengers (and if you haven’t it’s been out long enough that I don’t feel bad spoiling plot points) you know that Thor has a new weapon called “Stormbreaker”, which theoretically could be stronger than his older, well-known hammer. Think about it, Thor had a Hammer, it was awesome, then it broke, now he has Stormbreaker, a weapon that almost, and probably should’ve killed Thanos. Fultz had a jump shot, then it broke... see where I’m going?
Dario Saric: A Hattori Hanzo Sword
There is only one Sixer worthy of a legendary Hattori Hanzo sword from the Kill Bill series, and that warrior is Dario Saric (for those keeping score at home, that’s now two (2) Quentin Tarantino film references). Imagine, Dario has just sliced Malcolm Brogdon clean in half and he turns to see Jordan Clarkson, throwing Basketballs of Pettiness at people who are in garbage time of their fight. Dario gets Clarkson’s attention, Jordan turns around and starts firing basketballs at Dario, all of which are hastily chopped in half and fall at Dario’s feet. The conflict has caught the attention of almost every other fighter. The chaos and calamity calm down and freeze while the Homie makes his ways towards a cowering Clarkson. Joel, palming Russell Westbrook by the head and dangling him in front of TJ like a piñata gives a subtle fist pump of approval as he knows what will become of Clarkson. Dario and Clarkson now stand face to face, Dario gathers himself and confidently says something incredibly cheesy but albeit, insanely cool like, “how’s this for an unwritten rule?” and swiftly strikes Clarkson down.
So with those six examples, what about the rest of em? The marksmen JJ Redick and Furkan Korkmaz would probably use a Bow and Arrow and/or Sniper Rifle.
Amir Johnson, maybe like a sledgehammer?
Would Brett Brown just be throwing fists, no weapon at all?
What do y’all think?