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GQ Profiles Joel Embiid

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Sparknotes for the latest puff piece about our favorite son.

NBA: Orlando Magic at Philadelphia 76ers Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

This morning, GQ published its first-ever digital cover online, adorned by none other than our very own Joel Embiid. Interspersed with a decadent retelling of author Clay Skipper’s afternoon with Embiid are stylized clips of the star dressed to the nines, dribbling a basketball, not smiling, etc. The profile is long and expansive and very well done. Here’s some of what you’ll find if you give it a read:

  • It has all the trappings of a standard GQ or Esquire celebrity profile, which is to say that it doesn’t take long until the author described what the subject was eating. In this case, it’s chicken. Like, an obscene amount of chicken. And cajun pasta. And Brazilian cookies that Jo describes as “trash.”
  • Joel has a girlfriend! We kind of knew this because he gave someone a kiss after the Sixers dramatic win over Orlando on Saturday, but still. Her name is Anna de Paula, she’s a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model, and if she ever hurts him, so help me God I will be crushed.
  • He has a bodyguard named Bubs. I’ve never seen Mr. Bubs but just imagine how large you have to be to get paid to protect someone who is 7’2”.
  • Speaking of height, much like Kevin Garnett before him, Embiid would like to listed at 6’11”. Sixers PR declined.
  • We get some of the classics from The Book of Joel: lion-fighting, the draft-night meme, courting Rihanna, watching white people shoot on YouTube, and mercilessly blocking innocent children and brash Philadelphians alike. They played all the hits.
  • Speaking of books, Joel says “I don’t read books.”
  • His Kansas coach Bill Self drops in to attest to Embiid’s inescapable charm, when talking about how Jo used to greet the wives of the coaches on Kansas’ staff: “He knew exactly which one liked to have the hug with both arms, and which one liked the left-arm hug, or which one liked the right-arm hug.”
  • Joel’s friend Michael D. Ratner tells a poignant story of the star breaking down in tears at a restaurant not long ago, when Ratner and he reminisced about the mountain of criticism Embiid faced after missing his second consecutive season due to injury in 2015.
  • He reiterated his goal to win the MVP/DPOY combo this year.
  • In response to Tristan Thompson’s brazen declaration that the Lebron-less Cavs should remain Eastern Conference favorites, Embiid replied in part: “He must be stupid.” Truer words, my friend.
  • Growing up Joel wanted to be an astronaut and thinks it’ll be “easy” to pick up the profession when his playing days are through.
  • Finally, when asked whether or not his moniker would travel with him, should The Process ever relocate, Joel said “I want to be in Philly for the rest of my life.”

Trust the Process.