All the Sixers Want for Christmas is an Eternally Healthy Joel Embiid

The Sixers have had a couple of good years of receiving gifts. They got that new dog, the new clothes they wanted, a toy they asked for a couple of years ago that they didn’t get but finally received two years later when an upgraded version came along (Dario Saric), and that prize that everyone wanted but no one else could have (Ben Simmons). But for years, the biggest gift of all has evaded them. Like Neil’s Weenie Whistle, it’s the one you want the most that you may never get.

For the Sixers, that most-desired gift of all isn’t something material, or someone, but an intangible, abstract promise that they may never receive. What the Sixers want, nay need, for Christmas this year is the guaranteed eternal health of one Joel Embiid.

Asking for a new toy is one thing, but a mystical construct? That’s a big risk. But if anyone can take care of it, it’s the mystical construct himself: Santa Claus.

It can come in any form, but here are some suggestions:

• Some kind of cheat code to type into the Sixers app.
• Some super soldier serum (X-Files or Captain America, doesn’t matter).
• Clones? Clones.
• A boost of +2 health every time #TTP is tweeted like a Pokemon card or something.
• A GameShark to plug Joel into while he sleeps.
• One of those pod things from Elysium (that movie that is sometimes on at the dentist) that cures any and all physical ailments in minutes.
• A trip back to Qatar to make Embiid out of Adamantium.

Actually, let’s do that last one. If there was ever a candidate for the real-life Weapon X program, it’s Joel Embiid.

There are many other options for this year’s gift. Like a consistently consistent Robert Covington jumper, a reliable bench, and the existence of Markelle Fultz. How about that, huh? What a great gift.

But above all of that, Embiid’s health reigns. And even if we had all three of those things, they’re still not as valuable as a perpetually healthy and playing JoJo.

Who knows? Maybe when he returns to the team on Christmas Day he’ll be gifted from above (specifically the North Pole) with an eternally springy yet solid knee, loose back, feet of iron, and even stronger troll skills than before. Maybe we’ll never have another night of load management again. Maybe the jokes about his ability to stay on the court will forever cease. Most likely, we’ll probably just get some tinker toys.

But there is still much to be thankful for this Christmas, even without the Big Gift. The Sixers, while struggling at the moment, are a better team than they’ve been in five years and a more promising one than they’ve been in more. We get to ask for a healthy Embiid, which is no small thing, but we still got Ben, we (will) have Markelle, and we got pieces. Some other teams may be asking for Luka Doncic with their big gift this year, but we don’t have to bank on number one overall picks anymore. And in the words of Bono, thank god it’s them instead of you.