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Decision 2016: The Official Process Party Platform

Americans are begging for a third party they can trust to choose from in this election. Their wait is over. Trust the process.

Change we can believe in.
Change we can believe in.
Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

After the conclusion of the Republican National Convention last week, and with the Democratic National Convention underway this week at THE CENTER, home of the Philadelphia 76ers, Americans are underwhelmed. Americans are begging for a third option. Americans are begging for change.

Well, I promise you, change is coming. Today, we step forward into uncharted territory. Today, we launch a third party, an option all of us can believe in. Today, we launch the Process Party.

The Process Party, as hashtags have shown, is a party of progress. Our mission is to develop our most precious resource, our youth, specifically those who are 6-10 and above.

Our opponents, including both the liberal elite media and the liberal not-so-elite media, have sought to marginalize us. They've accused us of being a disgrace to the country, of intentional failure, of being brainwashed by a megalomaniacal despot. However, despite their cries of desperation, today, buoyed by several years of strong policy decisions, we stand stronger than ever, poised to capitalize on a bright future.

Over the past decade, our founding fathers have been a mixed bag. We have learned from their few successes and many mistakes to build a party platform that reflects the feelings values that real Americans hold dear.

This is a party that takes strong positions on the most important issues to Americans.

PRIORITY POSITIONS

Build The Wall

It's time to make a statement. Our border lines are not secure. We are tired of seeing offenders roaming free, breaching the perimeter, and taking up residence in our most valued territory. The number of offenders rose dramatically in the 2015-16 campaign, with many pointing the finger at the lax defensive measures imposed by our newly-appointed Secretary of the Interior. We have to protect that which we hold most dear: the rim. Opponents scored 107.6 points a game against us last year. We need to fight back.

Defense Spending

We also need responsible increases to defense spending. The purchase of the GH-9 defense system from Portland was a good first step in this regard, but is likely only a temporary fix, and may not even be renewed beyond next year. Upgrades will also be required to our sniper division, as perimeter shooting remains a major priority in the world we now live in, especially after the westward relocation of General K. Durant. As a result, costs could be prohibitively high as our opponents, futilely, attempt to compete. More upgrades will be needed over the next few years, both in an active role as well as a reserve role.

Immigration

Open up those borders. We will accept all of your immigrants, coup or no coup. Britain may not want to be in the European Union, but we'll gladly take their place. Whether it be Spain, Croatia, or France, we embrace full European immigration. Turkey? Furk yeah. Cameroon? Camer-swoon. Australia? Have you even been paying attention? The Process Party does not discriminate. We have 15 available slots, plus openings to remain overseas but still be a member of the party. For all we care, all of them can be filled with immigrants.

The Draft

The most effective way to build up our troops is through the draft. It builds character in our young men, and although some may attempt to dodge the draft, fleeing to sanctuary regions like New York, that should not deter us moving forward from reinstating the draft annually and investing a great deal of our resources in it.

OTHER MAJOR ISSUES

Gun Control

The Constitution grants all Americans the right to bear arms, but the Process Party draws a strict line in the sand. We propose a full ban on Dion Waiters.

Free Trade

Our most treasured founding father insisted on free and frequent trade, but also imposed strict tariffs on teams looking to dump unwanted reserves on our shores, especially those from the Sacramento area. We see no reason to abandon his vision moving forward, as generations to come will reap the benefits of his forward-thinking.

Pro-Choice

We need maximum flexibility moving forward. The name of the game is optionality, and all Sixers general managers should have the right to choose whichever top free agent or trade target becomes available over the next five years.

Job Creation

Over the past few years, we have supported a very liberal, very robust hiring policy and offered entry-level opportunities to both college graduates and those who finished some college, but left after questionable decisions to enlist for the draft. However, times have changed, and moving forward, the time has come to increase performance standards in search of more skilled and specialized workers.

Education

Except in rare instances, we're against it. We believe in searching for those with real-world skills rather than those who choose to remain in college to obtain a four-year degree. Exceptions can be made, but more often than not, four-year seniors should be avoided.

The Big Banks

The system is rigged. The big banks are able to buy their way in without cutting us a separate check just by spending an ungodly amount of money to put their name on an arena, but that doesn't mean we have to use that name. We can call our building THE CENTER instead, because that's productive and not just ridiculously petty.

NOMINATION

We, the delegates of the Process Party are proud to nominate our candidates for President and Vice President. We believe our candidates will lead us to a bright and prosperous future, including job creation in the South Philadelphia region, economic growth for sporting goods stores in the greater region, and increased overtime opportunities for police officers on several June days over the next decade. You may be thinking, neither of them are eligible to be President or Vice President, they're way too young and they weren't born here, and that's the first thing we'll look to tackle when they take office.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the 2016 Process Party Ticket.

Simmons-Embiid

Change is coming. May God bless you, and may God bless America.

The Process Party is not a real political party. Any connections to positions taken by any candidate for elected office are strictly for satirical purposes.