The sun rose on Philadelphia, bringing with it a new age of Sixers basketball. Not only has the team secured its first win, staving off their seeming fate as the NBA's new legend of sucking, but the mayor proudly announced Friday morning that Jahlil Okafor had not been involved in a drunken street fight for over 36 hours.
With the city blossoming with chipper "how-ya-do's" and sprightly "fine, thank you's," a report surfaced that Dario Saric, the player who Sam Hinkie has kept in Turkey as part of a program he explained as "witness protection but for basketball," will join the Sixers next season. Those who have trusted the process this long have finally been rewarded by a surge of progress, to the point that any further good news may send fans into a slobbery delirium, regardless of accuracy.
With that in mind, the truly unbelievable has happened: the Sixers have, on this very day, put out yet another press release.
JOEL EMBIID FORMS SOME TYPE OF MEGA-FOOT
"We let it heal too much," says real doctor.
The Philadelphia 76ers have announced that 2014 NBA Draft pick Joel Embiid has completed rehab for his foot injury by suddenly healing "way too much," according to team doctors.
Sixers GM Sam Hinkie, entering a press conference to his now trademark pulsating techno music, could not stop laughing uproariously.
"We couldn't be happier with Joel's progress," Hinkie loudly told reporters, smiling like an insane person. Hinkie also revealed that previous reports of Embiid ballooning to over 300 lbs. due to poor diet can actually be attributed to the extra foot and a half the 21-year-old has grown due to the sudden burst of superhealing.
"We simply lost control of the health," said Embiid's physician. "One day, we tucked Joel into bed, filled his refrigerator with produce, held hands and sang the ‘health chant' they teach you in med school, and came back the next day to discover that he had apparently just kept healing through the night."
"It was like nothing we had ever seen," the physician continued. "Everyone knows the human body shuts down at night, but Embiid's for some reason continued to repair itself. It's a real head-scratcher."
The misstep has resulted in Embiid growing a grotesque "mega-foot," which the team feared would lead to a lack of balance. But Embiid has taken quite well to the change, and has in fact begun incorporating the hideously engorged muscle as "sort of a terrifying sledgehammer," according to Hinkie.
"I usually skip practices and shootarounds - not a real fan of the sport," Hinkie explained with a chuckle. "I'm more of a ‘croquet' guy, but only if the rules are strictly adhered to and the game is played in an extremely formal, proper setting. Anyway, I was at the practice facility for some reason that day, and you should have seen it: Joel was just crushing the fans we let in to serve as a practice squad, a huge smile on his face."
The Sixers do not foresee Embiid's disturbing satisfaction from destroying defenders' weak human bodies as an issue moving forward.
"Bloodlust will likely be a big part of his game in the future," Hinkie confirmed.
The Sixers' medical staff was notified early Thursday evening that, thanks to their medical breakthrough, their names had been submitted as nominees for the Nobel Peace Prize, "whenever that gets decided," explained the Nobel committee.
"We're calling it ‘night healing' for obvious reasons," one trainer told reporters.
"In the past week," Hinkie told reporters, "I have gone from plotting the systematic murders of several members of the press while hibernating in the human-sized rat's nest I lived in during the winter to celebrating my team advancing medical science by a decade in a single night. It is utterly astounding."
As he left the room, Hinkie high-fived reporters and the general consensus among them was that he was a good, cool guy.
When pressed for comment, NBA commissioner Adam SIlver said he had been unaware of Embiid's giant, throbbing foot that glows red sometimes, and when shown an image of the anomaly, responded by throwing up into his hands.