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Land the Picks, Sam: It's All Part of the Plan

The Sixers are unwatchable, but, fortunately for Sam "Joker" Hinkie, the rest of the league's bottom feeders are falling right into place.

Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

As the Crown Prince of Second Rounders once said:

I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few salary-dumping trades and a couple of second rounders. Hmmm? You know... You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell Keith Pompey that, like, Phil Pressey will get cut, or a truckload of European players will be brought over, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little center will get traded, well then everyone loses their minds!

The Jahlil Okafor-Nerlens Noel pairing isn't working. Nik Stauskas is barely shooting above the Mendoza Line from three-point range. Ben Simmons, however, is making the world swoon. Jamal Murray is the Canadian Point God. Dragan Bender is a literal Croatian dragon. Though some hate to hear it, there is hope on the horizon in the form of the Sixers upcoming WAR CHEST (trademarked by Bill Simmons) of first-round picks. Here's a look at how those picks work out at an early point in the season:

Team: Philadelphia 76ers (0-13)

Pick or Swap?: Both?

Protections: N/A

Thoughts About The State Of The Team:

This is the most unwatchable the Sixers have been for me in the three years of the Sam Hinkie and Brett Brown era. This is coming from the guy who acted like his grandmother died when he heard Furkan Aldemir got cut. Times are bleak.

Team: Los Angeles Lakers (2-10)

Pick or Swap?: Pick!

Protections: 1-3 this year and next

Thoughts About The State Of The Team: Byron Scott is the exemplification of the Baby Boomer Generation that blames Millennials for not being able to find a job, but totally wrecked havoc to the country's economic system in his war path. Three-pointers don't win games in this league? Stephen Curry is Christ reincarnated and Golden State is putting on the greatest "you need to see this team live before you die" show since Michael Jordan on his second three-peat tour.

Team: Miami Heat (7-4)

Pick or Swap?: Pick!

Protections: 1-10 this year

A Trade About The State Of The Team:

I feel like I've been worrying about this pick for five years at this point. Chris Bosh is thankfully healthy. Dywane Wade is making some 2006-2010 Wade plays. Hassan Whiteside looks like an evolutionary version of 2015 Rudy Gobert. Say hello to Caris LeVert here.

Team: Oklahoma City Thunder (7-6)

Pick or Swap?: Pick!

Protections: 1-15 this year

Thoughts About The State Of The Team: Russell Westbrook would be younger cousin's favorite player if Steph didn't resurrect after three days after previous Warriors ownership tried to kill basketball in the Bay Area. The Sixers are getting this pick as long as two of the five or six best basketball players alive stay healthy this year.

Team: Golden State Warriors (14-0)

Pick or Swap?: Swap!

Protections: none

Thoughts About The State Of The Team: The small-ball Dubs are the best five-man unit I've seen in my 15 years or so of watching basketball. Any pre-2010 team would get smoked against them for their misunderstanding of the value of the three-point line. I don't care if you can handcheck Steph because Klay, 'Dre, Barnes and Draymond are going to body the other team right back, all the while knocking down consecutive triple after consecutive triple. Harrison Barnes, the FIFTH-best player in this lineup, knocking down two clutch threes in crunch time against a good Bulls team last night.

If you run two guys at Steph from 30 feet, they're still going to find a way to beat you. We're all witnesses. Send all hate tweets to @shamus_clancy.

Team: Sacramento Kings (4-9)

Pick or Swap?: Swap!

Protections: none, pick swaps with Sixers if it is worse

Thoughts About The State Of The Team: They're going to be even worse after they trade DeMarcus Cousins to Boston for the Nets' unprotected first rounder.

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