We have a trade rumor for you, but first, some exclusive hardcore journalism. In Sam Hinkie's office, nailed right next to a dead pelican Sam himself stuffed, is a piece of parchment. It's old, worn, aged. He's carried it with him everywhere he's gone since college. He doesn't look at it as much as he used to, but that's only because its words are as imprinted in his mind as on the parchment itself. Here, exclusively, are the words on that document:
RULES TO ABIDE BY FOREVER, BY SAMUEL LANGHORNE HINKIE
1. WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO.
2. S'MORES POP TARTS SHOULD BE LIGHTLY TOASTED. LIGHTLY. DON'T JUST POP IT IN THE TOASTER OVEN AND WALK AWAY. MONITOR THAT SHIT. YOU KNOW BETTER.
3. NEVER TAKE ON AMARE STOUDEMIRE'S CONTRACT FROM THE KNICKS WHEN THEY HAVE ESSENTIALLY NOTHING OF VALUE TO GIVE YOU, YEAH FLAT TOPS ARE RAD BUT WE ALREADY HAVE ONE OF THOSE IN NERLENS NOEL AND, LIKE, HE'S ALREADY BUDS WITH MCW AND IS FOR SURE GONNA HAVE A TAG TEAM THING WITH JOEL EMBIID SO REALLY, HOW MANY BITS CAN THE GUY BE IN ON? AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT STRETCHING HIM TOO THIN? I THINK YOU ARE. SO YEAH, NO MATTER WHAT STEPHEN A. SMITH GETS FED AND THEN WORD VOMITS ON FIRST GODDAMN TAKE, THERE WILL NOT BE A SHRED OF TRUTH TO THAT RUMOR. PHIL JACKSON'S A TIT. YOU HAVE SOME OF THE MOST CAP SPACE IN THE LEAGUE -- IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ON A CONTRACT, IT'LL BE JEREMY LIN OR CARLOS BOOZER OR MARCUS THORNTON, REALLY ANY PLAYER THAT WILL COME ALONG WITH AN ACTUAL ASSET. SHUMP IS COOL AND HAS A COOL SHUMPY NICKNAME BUT AGAIN, CMON. CMON MAN.