None of us have any idea how good Nerlens Noel will be when he's not playing in a gym smaller than Shaquille O'Neal's old pool house, but let's appreciate what we saw yesterday. 19 points (on 11 shots), a perfect 7-for-7 from the charity stripe, and more swipes (4 steals) than I get during a late-night Tinder spree. Oh... and a whole lot of GIFs.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the basketball players at LA Fitness I was a good shooter.— Jake Pavorsky (@JakePavorsky) July 3, 2014
Jake Pavorsky Scouting Report (based on nothing except how he looks)
STRENGTHS: High basketball IQ, good shooter, scrappy, tough, heady, gym rat, tenacious, gritty, plays the right way, carries a lunchpail with him everywhere he goes (even if he already ate lunch earlier in the day).
WEAKNESSES: Poor athleticism, stiff hips, not very explosive or quick, every weakness that Aaron Craft and Travis Bader has.
Mannnnnnn I was just getting cooking! Doesn't even seem real at all! Worked my ass off to get where I... http://t.co/037xa9BgAp— Pierre Jackson (@Pappyjackk) July 6, 2014
It's not often that I have an emotional attachment to a former second-round draft pick, but I felt absolutely terrible when the news came down that Pierre Jackson ruptured his Achilles against the Orlando Magic yesterday.
As bad as Summer League basketball is (to be fair, it is a step above preseason football), it's a place where late picks and free agents come to make a name for themselves. It's the perfect showcase for a player like Jackson, and he was just starting to cook before he was felled by the fickle finger of fate.
In a class move, the Sixers - who were under no obligation to do so - have offered to cover the cost of his surgery and rehabilitation. Get well soon, @Pappyjackk - you've got #SixersNation in your corner.
@KingJames hey bro hope you're having a good day...... Want to join us in philly?? Peace— Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 1, 2014
He probably DM'd me but I dont read my DMs so I'm gonna go ahead and block him pic.twitter.com/PunjHSiQRI— Joel-Hans Embiid (@JoelEmbiid) July 4, 2014
If these tweets came from someone like Mario Chalmers, we'd be eagerly anticipating the impending restraining order. However, since they're from the mind of one Joel-Hans Embiid, they're nothing short of glorious.
If Embiid is half as good on the court as he is on social media, then the Sixers have a future All-Star on their hands. My only wish is that the team gives him the keys to the @Sixers Twitter handle one night and lets him work his magic for a couple of hours. Maybe he'll even talk about how much he likes to drink Shirley Temples.
I'm never going to recover from this.— Sean O'Connor (@soconnor76) July 5, 2014
Quiz time: What caused resident scribe Sean O'Connor to tweet the sentence above?
A) He just ate a burrito from Moe's.
B) He just returned home after watching the latest Transformers movie.
C) He watched a replay of the Sixers-Magic Summer League game.
D) He listened to any Iggy Azalea song ever.
E) He tried to figure out how Jodie Meeks got $19 million from Detroit.
The answer, of course, is B. After the near-abomination of the first Transformers movie, I refuse to invest any time and money in the rest of the franchise. I grew up watching Transformers, and the robots in the trailers look nothing like the Optimus Prime and Galvatron that I know.
That said, Transformers 4 has already made infinity dollars, and the sequel is already in pre-production. It must be nice to be Michael Bay right now: People give you boatloads of money to make 3 hour epics about blowing things up even though you haven't produced/directed a movie worth a damn since Armageddon.
(Not going to lie, though: I'm ALL IN on that rumored Bad Boys 3 movie despite the fact that the scene where they destroyed the Cuban favelas in Bad Boys 2 was ridiculous on just about every level).
Just walkin' down the road, havin' a constitutional with your enormous snake.— Michael Baumann (@MJ_Baumann) July 4, 2014
Out-of-context tweets are the best tweets.
Don't bother watching the clip: All you need to know is that Dario Saric's most desired superpower would be "Batman", and just about every rookie (sans Jordan McRae) picked Tupac over Biggie, which means that they should be released immediately.
hungover, eating half a burrito I kept in a solo cup for safekeeping last night, ready to watch Nerlens Noel play basketball for the Sixers.— Michael Levin (@Michael_Levin) July 5, 2014
That burrito probably came from Moe's, which explains why he only ate half of it.
Final question from @WIPAfternoons was on Mario Hezonja. Hinkie: "Now you're really going to get me in trouble."— Kyle Neubeck (@NeubeckNBA) July 2, 2014
BREAKING: The Sixers will likely have a top-5 pick in next year's draft. Knowing this, it only makes sense to get started now on scouting those talents who are likely to declare next spring. And one of those talents is a man by the name of Mario Hezonja.
I am no longer able to provide an unbiased opinion on "Super Mario", but I implore you to use your Google device to search for "Mario Hezonja" and watch all of the YouTube, Ooyala, Vimeo, Crackle clips that you can get your hands on. Hezonja is a taller, Croatian Rex Chapman, and he will live in my dreams (and on my Pintrest board) until the Sixers draft him next June.