The other day, Roy tweeted this:
He had a lot of nerve, flaunting game-worn Vernon Maxwell jerseys like that on my birthday. Of course I clicked the link. $311.11! Come on, Roy. This was cruel and unusual punishment. It's like charging a five-year old birthday boy $311.11 for a piece of chocolate cake.
"The extra $11.11 is because of inflation, Timmy."
As punishment, I emailed Roy relentlessly the next few days.
"Do you like this? What about this? Would you wear this? Would this Bradley jersey go with a pair of khakis?" Below are the emails that transpired.
This is the first installment of Dave and Roy Go Shopping on eBayTM.
(All pictures courtesy of eBay).
Red Shawn Bradley Jersey
***This item is no longer listed. Just pretend it is***
Dave: Let's start with this gorgeous Shawn Bradley jersey for the reasonable price of only $39.99. Now, Roy, I get it. Shawn Bradley isn't the most popular big man around these parts. But times are tough. We all have to do a little bargain shopping. Not everyone can spring for a $311.11 Mad Max piece. This Bradley jersey is a size small - which is a rare find, and perfect for the petite Sixers fan like me. And it's #45, not the cliché and tacky #76. I think I'm gonna pull the trigger. It would look great in my closet next to my #11 Bol shirsey.
Talk me out of it, Roy.
Roy: Normally, I would never talk you out of an exclusive piece memorabilia celebrating the career of the tallest No. 2 pick of all time ...
HOWEVER, I do need to point out that Big Shawn never wore #45 while with the Sixers. So while this "vintage" jersey is a bargain at $39.99, it isn't exactly historically accurate. It's a damn shame, too. I could definitely see you sporting this when you and Darryl Dawkins judge the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest this summer.
Dave: Ah! He only wore #45 for the Nets. Shame on me. I won't buy the jersey, which works out anyway because
I can't remember my PayPal password this item is no longer listed.
Youth Chris Webber Jersey
Dave: Roy, do you know anyone with an underachieving son or daughter? Or maybe a younger cousin who hasn't quite realized his potential? If so, this youth C-Webb Sixers jersey for just $12 could be that perfect gift for that young adolescent who is coasting through middle school with a C average.
"Has anyone seen Aiden? Spanish class started thirty minutes ago."
Yeah, he was shooting elbow jumpers at the park.
Roy: Let me play Webber's Advocate for a second.
I know he had the lateral movement of Ray Emery by the time he got here, but I think our memory of C-Webb is worse than his actual performance. Ignoring his horrible shooting percentage, Webber did put up 20/10 during his only full season with the Blackshirts. And he never called a timeout that he didn't have.
Nothing for nothing, this isn't a bad jersey for a basketball-loving elementary school kid. Do they still play "Hot Potato" in elementary school? If they do, Webber would be a hell of a role model - the tape of him during the fourth quarter of the 2002 West Finals is "Hot Potato" at its finest.
In closing, Jay-Z once said: "The only Christopher that we acknowledge is Wallace." Well... the only No. 4 I acknowledge on the Sixers is Temple's own Pepe Sanchez. And Sharone Wright.
Dave: Geez, Roy. Giving up on Nerlens already?
Vintage Sixers Camp Jersey
Dave: Turn back the clocks for a second, Roy. Think of Little Roy: A wide-eyed and awkward 11 year old boy with big dreams and a broken jump shot. That was until you attended Sixers Summer Camp and were paid a visit by the Shot Doctor, Buzz Braman. Now look! Your patented corner jumper has become folklore to the residents of Sicklerville. This Sixers Camp jersey could be yours for the relatively steep price of $15.
Roy: Now we're cooking with gas. I dig this. I'm a fan of items that you can't easily get your hands on, and this jersey is rarer than steak tartare. If it was one size larger, I'd wear it to Made In America this summer and be the envy of all of the 19-year-old co-eds in attendance.
Apologies in advance for going off on this tangent, but how is it that Buzz Braman and Herb Magee can both refer to themselves as "The Shot Doctor"? Isn't someone infringing on the copyrights of someone else? We might have to get nyunole on this. This is like when Dwight Howard went on that fugazi campaign to get everyone to call him Superman. We all know that Wilt is the one true Superman in the annals of the NBA.
But I digress. It's sad that the Sixers Camps jersey looks better than the actual uniforms that the team wore during that time period. By the way, my jumper is still wet - I could probably tie Tony Wroten in a three-point contest if you gave me five minutes to warm up. Thanks, Buzz!
Dave: I've seen the jumper, Roy. You walked into Sixers Camp a boy. You left five days later as Chuck Person.
Woman's Adidas Iguodala Jersey
Dave: Roy, we're both married guys. We know that there is a delicate balance between married life and Sixers Life. I can't speak for Mrs. Burton, but LBWifey has taken the strong stance of defiant apathy. The other day, she asked me who the Sixers were playing in the playoffs. I'm 99.99% sure she had no idea. (But there is a .01% chance that she's trolling her husband).
Maybe it's my fault, though. Maybe she just needs to freshen up her Sixers wardrobe. Is this gold Iguodala Adidas jersey for $14 the perfect gift to lure her back to the Sixers dark side? Or, and this is my current position, is this the ugliest jersey on the internet right now? Should I just play it safe and buy her another Yankee Candle?
Roy: This is beyond hideous. It's one thing to cater to women with a specialized line of clothing (hi, Alyssa Milano). It's a different beast entirely to create a bedazzled Andre Iguodala jersey for the masses.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't buy the jersey, but you don't seem to be the type who enjoys sleeping on the couch (unless you happen to doze off during the third quarter of Sixers-Bobcats). Trust me: Go with the Yankee Candle. I've found that Cinnamon Vanilla typically works best on those days where I forget to put out the trash.
(For the record, I think LBWifey was trolling you.)
1994 Sixers Jersey
Dave: According to the eBay description, this was a give-away to season ticket holders at the Spectrum. I know 1994 was the Land Before Bobblehead Time - hell, 1994 even preceded the Beanie Babies Boom - but the Sixers Marketing Department kinda mailed this one in, no?
A #94 jersey with nothing on the back?
Where's my Sixers schedule refrigerator magnet? My poster of Clarence Weatherspoon being defended by adorable pug puppies? This jersey is just a constant reminder that you foolishly sprung for Sixers season tickets in 1994. You made a bad financial decision twenty years ago, and this jersey won't ever let you forget it.
But if you didn't have seasons in '94, now's your chance to relive that 24-58 campaign. For $16, it can be all yours. Would you like expedited shipping, Roy?
Roy: I'm a bit torn on this one - everything about this jersey screams "vintage." For starters, it was a giveaway from the first year of the Corestates/First Union/Wachovia/Advanta/Philadelphia Federal Credit Union Spectrum. Secondly, this uniform is a marked improvement over that abomination with the stars that preceded it. And the cherry on top of the sundae has to be the US Healthcare sponsorship: Do you know how hard it is to find apparel with logos of defunct HMOs emblazoned on the left shoulder? You don't see stuff like this on Craigslist every day.
If anyone out there reading this bought season tickets back in 1994, I don't think your decision was foolish. You were merely making a down payment on the "Jerry Stackhouse Era." And based on what we saw at Carolina, I can't blame you for expecting the next Michael Jordan. Instead, we got a better version of Thomas Jordan.
Dave: It sounds like you're a card-carrying member of the, "It's so bad, it's good" camp. Is that accurate? Like The Wizard, starring Fred Savage. After watching the trailer, I was skeptical. But now? 25 years later? I firmly believe that Nintendo can unite a once broken family.
Red Sixers Arcade Shirt
Dave: Roy, we haven't quite seen eye-to-eye thus far, but I feel that's about to change. Look at this beauty. Look at Cheeks running the offense. Look at the Doctor pointing towards the rim, asking for a backdoor alley-oop. Look at the floor spacing. One glimpse of this offensive set and you can just tell that they were a championship team. Really, the only thing that could maybe trump this video game Sixers shirt is a screen shot of ‘Spoon and Hornacek from NBA Jam.
This can be yours for $19.99, Roy, but better act fast. There are only two available, and I still need to buy nyunole a wedding gift. (Two nyunole references in one post!).
Roy: Nintendo can indeed unite a broken family ... unless that family plays Battletoads. That game only breeds profanity and contempt.
Speaking of foul language, I actually used a four-letter word (in a positive manner) when I clicked on the link that you sent. I seriously doubt that you'll be able to top this, Dave. This is your "Illmatic", your "Enter The 36 Chambers", your (insert the name of Jamie Walters' first solo album here). My mouse may or may not have longingly hovered over the "Buy It Now" link, and if my checking and savings accounts weren't set up like Kevin Hart's, this would already be on its way to my doorstep.
BTW, we need to stop name dropping 'nole before Bauser21, iladelphia, yosoysean and Chrischar start feeling some kind of way.
Charles Barkley Basketball Card (?) T-shirt
Dave: What is Illmatic? Did Euripides write that? I can't believe you name dropped Jamie Walters. Do we want to discuss Ray Pruit? I'll do it, Roy. What a vile human being. What he did to Donna? Horrible. I mean, Donna was great to him. And - wait, getting offtrack here. Let's bring it back.
I see your Sixers video game t-shirt, and raise you a Charles Barkley basketball card plastered on to a t-shirt. What is that, Fleer? Skybox? Is it Skybox, Roy? But would Chuck really approve of his age and weight being publicized? I feel a bit dirty, putting Barkley on blast like that.
This is a gorgeous item, though. Think of all the great things we could paste on a t-shirt. I would paste a rec'd Bauser21 comment on a faded gray tee, if I hadn't spent all my milk money on an Andrew Bynum "Pressure Makes Diamonds" t-shirt. Whoops.
But this beaut is gonna cost you, Roy. We're going to start the bidding at $49.95.
What say you?
Roy: That's a Hoops card if I ever saw one.
I don't think Sir Charles minds that his personal info is ironed onto this shirt for all eternity. He'd love it if people thought he was actually 6'6", and he hasn't been 254 pounds since the 1979 Frosh-Soph dance at Leeds High. Besides, I'm sure that royalty check he received from Nutmeg Apparel for the use of his likeness paid for at least a few benders in Barcelona.
$49.95 is hella steep, though - the Amex stays in the wallet for this one. Not going to lie: If this was an Andre Turner card T-shirt, I'd be all over it.
The "Pressure Makes Diamonds" thing has me thinking ... is there an unofficial slogan for the 2013-14 Sixers? I mean, there is one we COULD go with, but it's not exactly suitable for a younger audience.
Dave: The 2013-2014 Sixers: Come for the Sixers; Stay for the [Septic] Tank? Great point about Barkley, Roy. 6'6" 254 is incredibly generous. I think Nutmeg Apparel confused Charles with Razor Ramon.
Let's cap off this installment of Shopping with Dave and RoyTM with a little 30 for 30 intro:
What if I told you ... that the greatest Sixers-related t-shirt in the history of mankind can be had for only $5?
Maumee, Ohio: Where the Steve Mix Rule Is Always in Effect.
Roy: I see what you did here, you sneaky son of a gun.
(Mental note: Never challenge Dave Rueter to a game of Texas Hold 'Em - he's the type of guy that slow plays pocket kings.)
You saved the best for last with this one, sir. A Steve Mix Basketball Academy shirt? With a faux And1 logo added for effect? For $5 with free shipping? I'm no Doug Collins, but I just might have an Ace of Spades in my back pocket the next time I see you.
Shoot ... I might just buy this shirt and send it off with a self-addressed stamped envelope to see if the Mayor of Mixville will sign it for me. For the record, I tried looking for a Bob Salmi Basketball Academy T-shirt and I came up empty. I did, however, unearth this 1989 New York Knicks photo set featuring Mr. Salmi along with a very nattily attired Stu Jackson.
Heck of a bargain at just $38.88.
Dave: You had me at Salmi, Roy. You had me at Salmi.
Let's go to Mo ... For the official results:
Bradley #45 Jersey: Boot
Youth Chris Webber Jersey: Toot
Vintage Sixers Camp Jersey: Toot
Woman's Adidas Iguodala Jersey (color: gold): Boot
1994 Sixers Jersey: Toot
Red Sixers Arcade T-Shirt: Toot
Charles Barkley Basketball Card T-shirt: Boot
Steve Mix Basketball Academy T-Shirt: TOOOOOOT