ATTN: Liberty Ballers staff: The following instructions are not to be shared publicly. This is meant as a guide for you in recapping games during the final months of the 2013-14 season. I know we've all severed our fair share of fingers watching these games, but if you follow this guide and stay strong you will be able to make it through recapping these games with minimal damage.
1). Do not summarize the events of this game. Do not do that to yourself. Do not relive those memories like that. This goes for everyone, but especially Justin. Now is not the time for running diaries. Please. For the love of everything that is holy and unholy. Knock that shit off. Also, stop talking to yourself in the 3rd person.
2). Feel free to take a break as you are watching this game. Whether you scoop some ice cream, microwave some soft pretzels, prepare from scratch a delicious chicken parm, just ensure you have something to occupy your time. Do not punish yourself by watching two-hours and twenty minutes of a Sixers broadcast. You are a beautiful human being who deserves better than that.
3). Accentuate the in-game positives. Despite your eyes experiencing the eye equivalent of harakiri, talk about how wonderful Zumoff and Malik are on the ears. They are two of the NBA's best team-specific announcers and they are talking about a team consisting of less NBA players than some NCAA Tournament teams.
4). Accentuate the in-game positives, part two: The development of Michael Carter-Williams. His improved efficiency, his defense, his development even though he is surrounded by one, maybe two other NBA players depending on what you think of Tony Wroten. This part is especially critical because people need to keep believing in the process and the pieces Sam Hinkie already has in place. Talk about how awesome MCW is until you cannot talk about it anymore. People need this. You need this. I need this.
5). What damage did Byron Mullens cause this time? Did he cause you to launch your phone through a window? Throw your tablet into the TV screen, shattering both? Throw rocks down a cliff? Anger you so much that you picked up the Furby you have not touched in years and punt it through your neighbor's back door? Explain how he scarred you in the article and encourage readers to share their embarrassing stories in the comments section. It will be a support group of sorts.
6). What feats of joy did Brandon Davies cause this time? Brandon Davies is the most beautiful human being on this team, moreso than Hollis Thompson. Celebrate him thusly.
7). Pine for Casper Ware (submitted by Michael Levin)
8). Jarvis Varnado leads the Sixers in field goal percentage. Jarvis Varnado! Sixers! Team-leader in field goal percentage! What did he do today, and did he elevate his PER from the dreadful 12.4 it currently is? If not, talk about how his PER is still higher than Lavoy Allen's! More positives!
9). Talk about how bad this team is. Then mention that Arnett Moultrie is in the D-League. Have readers draw their own conclusions because you drawing the conclusion out for them will only inspire rage and fractured Game Boy Advances.
10). There is no such thing as too many 90s toy references. Use liberally.
11). If the Sixers win, type everything in ALL CAPS because OH MY GOD THE SIXERS WON THEY ACTUALLY WON THEY FINALLY REALLY WON HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT. Encourage everyone to feel happy. The tank is important but nowhere near as important as Thaddeus Young's sanity. No one's catching the Sixers, and Milwaukee is coming close to wins. The Sixers are the worst team in the league right now. One win is all right.
12). DO: Talk about Hinkie, Wiggins, Parker, and the certainty there are brighter days ahead. DO NOT: Reference the name of that last guy who coached the Sixers.
13). DO: Take a long drink after watching the Sixers. You deserve it.