You've Got Sixers, vol. 13: NBA Trade Deadline Aimless Hysteria

Trade Deadline. I've typed the words so many times, I made it all of my passwords because my fingers naturally find those keys. Have all my money and vehicle registrations. Alas, the first (and only?) true milestone of the Sixers season is upon us, and I'll have at least some time to recover before NBA Draft Lottery oozes out of my metacarpals.

The humans of Liberty Ballers exchanged some emails to keep (or lose) our sanity in the 8 days leading up to the Deadline. There were many other emails in other threads, some pertaining to some pretty weird shit, but this is what the public gets.

Levin

We're a bris away from the deadline. How's everybody feeling?

Fischer

Excited to celebrate this simcha with Samuel Mordechai Hinkie.

Baumann

If Hinkie doesn't trade Hawes and Turner, I'm going to cut off part of my penis. That's all I know about a bris. Maybe some of the other goyim can make funnier jokes.

Gowton

Pretty great. Only 1 more game before the deadline left after tonight. 1 more game of Evan Turner and Spencer Hawes as Sixers.

Fischer

The effort behind that joke was better than the Sixers' effort against Golden State...

O'Connor

It's been six days since we started this but I think that we can resurrect for the trade deadline. Rumors and reaction and stuff.

Omer Asik rumors are back, btw. Oh joy.

Pavorsky

Still don't get it unless they're a third team that's simply there to help a team move some salary and snag a draft pick. No logic in him coming to Philadelphia.

For what it's worth, I'm told there's nothing to it.

Levin

WILL THE DEADLINE EVER GET HERE

F.

Never.

Levin

I've almost written like 20 different trade deadline articles but stopped myself just waiting for actual rumors. Not that "Sixers are talking to teams" isn't a rumor, Jake. It's just also not... news.

Fischer

I don't know, the fact they've contact literally EVERY team, is amazing.

Levin

.......................... is it?

Fischer

Every team! Every single one! That's awesome!

O'Connor

That's just them doing their job. Everybody talks to everybody.

Hofmann

If their cell phone plans are terrible, I'd suppose it would be.

Fischer

Not every single team. Teams are certainly active, but no one else is talking at length with every single team.

Gowton

They should really look into the This Changes Everything Plan.

Pavorsky

If Hinkie's not busy right now can he finish my senior essay for me?

Levin

I don't know that you can know if the Sixers are *actually* talking at length to *every* team and if *no other team* is doing that.

The natural reaction to "they're talking to everybody" is: "well, good" and then like, go eat breakfast or something.

Fischer

Just to let you guys know, I already wrote my emotional 1,000 word eulogy of Thad's career last night.

F.

But you published a report saying Thad put in a formal trade trade I thought that was supposed to mean you hate Thad and/or are a closet Celtics fan.

Levin

What if Hinkie trades himself?

F.

I'd cry.

Gowton

Hinkie trades himself to the Phillies because he can't stand RAJ. But then RAJ takes over the Sixers.

F.

.....And that's the story of how Monta Ellis became a Sixer.

Fischer

So RAJ traded for Andre Iguodala and then traded him for Monta?

F.

Wednesday morning. Good morning party bloggers. Who is ready for another round of anxious finger biting?

Burton

Deadline prediction: Productivity in America will skyrocket after 3:01 PM ET tomorrow once everyone stops using the Trade Machine.

BTW: Old-school GMs don't trust Sam Hinkie...

Levin

"You always fear what you don't understand." - Tom Wilkinson, Batman Begins.

Pavorsky

So I guess talks with Charlotte didn't get far, cause the last text I got says that the offers are really bad. There's still plenty of time to get something done and Hinkie had a trend in Houston to wait until the last hour before the deadline to trade. But, I'm slowly inching towards that "they're not doing anything" crowd. Very slowly.

Levin

There's not much time left. I want to hold you all. Any last words?

Fischer

I don't want Spike to die of sadness. I don't want Spike to die of sadness. I don't want Spike to die of sadness. I don't wan

Baumann

They're going to trade Spencer and Evan for something. I don't care what. Second rounders. A bucket of dildos. Derek Fisher. I don't care. But they will be offloaded, because a second rounder is better than literally nothing, and if people keep panicking that Spencer and Evan won't be traded, I'm going to start cracking skulls.

Hinkie will make a move at the last possible second and we won't know anything about it until it's already done.

Levin

Baumann with certainty for miles, miles, miles.

Baumann

I have it. And when they get a second-rounder for ET, I'm going to call the player they get with that pick "Bucket of Dildos."

Levin

A tremendous honor.

Fischer

Will he be knighted with said dildos?

Gowton

Something will get done and it will make those who doubted Hinkie look silly. We're in good hands.

***

And with that, the clock ticks on.