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"MistleJoe Smith": Your Guide to Time-Honored Sixers Christmas Traditions

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Christmastime, where everybody gets to make out with first overall pick and two-time Sixer, Joe Smith, under some shrubbery!

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It's Christmas. And whether you're stabbing your adopted cousin over ham or shivving your in-laws over the moo shu pork, you take your traditions seriously. Likewise, since you're at this weblog, you take your Sixers seriously. Or you got lost looking at Booker T pictures for your desktop background. Well no matter, because we Sixers holiday experts -- Christmasers and others alike -- have got you covered.

PERFORM: "The 'Nutecracker"

Wherein your two youngest nephews sit on the shoulders of their fat older brother, who your sister insists is perfect the way he is but will soon start wearing a fedora at age 12, to form a 7'7 recreation of the big guy from the Sudan (*hide the blackface* *why do you have blackface*). Watch as they do Tchaikovsky proud by falling into sugar cookie trays and getting tripped by your pop-pop's cane while he laughs himself into a coughing fit and the nephew on top falls face-first into the fireplace.

WATCH: Christmas Movie, "Jingle All The Wayns"

This is perfect for when your father-in-law, a retired cop and Vietnam vet, decides he's had enough scotch-n-soda's that it's the right time to learn you about Ferguson. He'll fall asleep, and you'll be free to watch this beautifully written character drama about Maalik Wayns (as Sinbad) and Primoz Brezec (as Arnold) trying to get the last Capri Sun in the PCOM kitchen to give to their kid for Christmas. Truly inspired performances from both actor-player multi-hyphenates.

AGREE: With Your Sister's New Boyfriend That Doesn't Celebrate Christmas Who Made An Off-Hand Comment About Religion's Role In A Capitalist Society To Your Dad And Oh Boy It's Starting To Get Heated So You Step In With Universal Agreement That Andrew Toney Is Underrated And Diffuse The Situation

That was a close one!

DECORATE: The Tree With Ornaments Of The 1993-94 Philadelphia 76ers

Just imagine your niece's face when she sees Eric Leckner's smiling face glowing at her next to Shawn Bradley's mint condition plane ticket from his mission in Australia. Then picture her confusion when she sees the bulbous Clarence Weatherspoon ornament and wonders aloud why Moses Malone was still on the team at age 38 after they traded him in his prime for Jeff Ruland and the wrong Cliff Robinson. And her outright anger after finding out they would go on to draft Sharone Wright and B.J. Tyler that June. Then her fury, materializing in her 6-year-old hand grabbing the Harold Katz ornament from the tree and smashing the unholy shit out of it.

SING: "All I Want For Christmas (...Is A Rangy Wing With Off-Ball Skills)"

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the centers
Can't teach height, no sir not me.

I just want you for my own
Both J-Rich's knees are blown
Space the floor please do
All I want for Christmas
Is ooo, ooo, Oubre.

Merry Rakeem Christmas, everybody. Ronny Turiaf high-fives for each of you.