Last year, I handed out "Davey Coupons" to all my loved ones, and the reaction was, um, lukewarm. The coupons ranged from the erotic (for my wife), to the practical (family and friends). Here I thought my mother would've wanted to wake up to a daily Sharone Wright Fact* email - the gift that keeps on giving 365 days a year. Yet, here I sit, one year later, with a shoebox full of clamps, tassels and Sharone Wright Facts just waiting to see the light of day.
So it's time Roy and I once again scour the seedy underbelly of Sixers eBay. From Secret Santas to stocking stuffers, we got you covered. So sit back, pour yourself some hot cocoa, and email me the twelve digit number on your debit card.
Let's go shopping for Sixers Swag.
Sixers Plush Slippers
"I really can't stay, Roy."
"But baby it's cold outside."
"I've got to go away."
"Ok, fine, but take my Sixers Plush Slippers."
These gorgeous Sixers plush slippers can be had for the manageable price of just $9.99. Christmas has indeed come early, Roy. You can't put a price on warm feet. I went to college by the Canadian border and walked around in cold, wet socks for four years. Worst four years of my life. Do you know how many times I looked up gangrene on Web MD?
I'm offering you practicality and comfort for the price of one Rolling Rock pounder at the Wells Fargo Center. Picture it, Roy. Happily married. A great husband, father. Walking outside in your plaid robe and Sixers plush slippers; grabbing the newspaper, waving to your neighbors. You could be your very own Truman Show. Hell, I'd watch.
Besides, these slippers are $25 retail. We've seen enough episodes of PawnStars to know that this isn't a gift. It's an investment.
Talk to me, Roy.
Roy: I'm a sucker for a great deal, and at 60% off, I dare say that you won't find a more affordable pair of Sixers' slippers this holiday season. And plush ones at that.
They won't fit me, but they're the perfect size for my wife. These are way softer than the shoes she throws at me when I interrupt her Blacklist marathon to commandeer the living room TV for Sixers-Nets. My Amex is maxed out from the last edition of Sixers Swag: Does Visa checkout work with eBay?
(For the record, NEVER use WebMD for self-diagnosis. Regardless of what you look up, you either have a common cold, or you only have 36 hours left to live.)
Dana Barros 1995 All-Star Jersey
Dave: Sorry for the delayed response. I had this recurring nightmare that Bradley Fletcher was chasing me down Market St; yet no matter how much I slowed down, he was always three yards behind me.
I got this thing about jerseys. I only buy ones of guards. Is that weird? Like, you'll never see me in a road Moses Malone kit. Not because I don't respect a guy who ferociously crashed the boards, but it's like, "Come on, Dave. You're 5'6"; have a bad back, played up top in a pillow soft 2-3 zone in CYO. Who are you kidding? You're not Moses. The gig's up."
It seems unnatural to wear a big man's jersey. So while I love the potential of Joel Embiid, I'm gonna politely pass. And jerseys like Iverson, Barkley, and Erving are too mainstream. I want to stand out. I'm a snowflake, Roy.
Here's my list of most desirable Sixers jerseys:
1) "The Hawk" Hersey Hawkins
2) Dana Barros
3) Clarence Weatherspoon/Armen Gilliam
Sure, ‘Spoon and "The Hammer" weren't guards, but I got a soft spot for a well-timed pump fake.
Which leads me to this beaut. A 1995 All-Star Dana Barros jersey WITH A CACTUS ON THE FRONT?
Hi there, good looking. You come here often?
For the affordable price of $79.97, you could be the envy of every neighborhood hipster's eye. Think of the street cred. Your legacy would evolve to Paul Bunyanesque proportions.
Yo ... swear to god ... once saw a dude in a Dana Barros '95 All Star jersey life a Honda Civic over his head. Craziest shit I ever saw.
Swear...dude was rocking a Barros jersey.
Say yes to the jersey, Roy. Lift that Honda Civic.
Roy: I see why you offered to take the lead in this edition of Sixers Swag, Dave. It may take years to find something better than this Barros jersey (unless, of course, Spike Eskin's "Thump and Bump" jacket somehow finds its way onto Craigslist).
To call this a mere throwback is a huge understatement: This rivals this Jesse Sapolu Hawai'i Rainbows jersey I saw a couple of months back (which may or may not have been on the back of Jesse Sapolu himself). What better garment to wear while catching up on back episodes of The Rights To Ricky Sanchez? (I've been mainlining on "Serial" these past few weeks - forgive me...)
Dana Barros holds a special place in my heart: In 1994, I knew my parents were going to buy me a bookshelf stereo for Christmas (one with a 3-disc changer at that), so I had to purchase some non-threatening, profanity-free music to show how much I appreciated the gift. Among the selections: "Shaq Fu: Da Return", Salt-N-Pepa's "Very Necessary", and "B-Ball's Best Kept Secret."
Just as Dana B's "Check It" was in constant rotation that winter, this jersey figures to be a staple of my summer 2015 wardrobe. BRB... need to get tickets to the Firefly festival just so I can stunt on some hipsters for four straight days while listening to Girl Talk.
(For the record, I can't say that I'll ever be able to lift a Honda Civic, but in my younger days, I did dunk over a Honda Del Sol or two. Oh wait... that was Marko Milic. Apologies - my memory isn't what it used to be.)
*Editor's note: Dave discovers that Roy also listens to Serial, and they exchange twenty-five separate emails*
Clarence Weatherspoon Christmas Ornament
Dave: Roy, I've seen your Christmas tree (I haven't). It's a wonderful tree, a majestic tree (I've never been in Roy's house), but it's missing something. I see the star. I see the lights, the garland. Looks great. But, man, it seems, it's just - your tree lacks that Sixers touch.
That is until now. The only thing better than a Christmas tree, Roy, is a ‘Spoon Tree. Look at this gem. I haven't seen something this breathtaking since a Maui sunset on my honeymoon. Ignore the fact that this ornament is just a Startling Lineup action figure hanging via fishing line.
This is a one of kind item, Roy. You can start the bidding at $2.99, but I would suggest you play this one close to the vest and purchase it OUTRIGHT for $14.99. Don't cheap out on me, Roy. Buy the ‘Spoon ornament. Think of your tree. It's practically naked without it.
And if you're still not sold, here are a few other suggestions from the seller:
Perfect for hanging on a Christmas tree, your car's rearview mirror, from a ceiling fan pull or to display other ways year round! Makes a great gift for that special sports fan in your life.
Who doesn't want a ‘Spoon ornament hanging from a ceiling fan, looking over his new family? It's like a baby mobile for Sixers fans.
Roy: When we first moved into our house, my wife and I planned to buy one special ornament per year. That tradition lasted all of one Christmas (I bought a 2008 Phillies World Series ornament because ... World [redacted] Champions), but I have a feeling it'll be revived thanks to Baby Barkley here.
Maybe I'm feeling a little festive because it's the holiday season, but $2.99 for a fully articulated 'Spoon figure seems like a bargain. Nay - it IS a bargain. There's a very good chance that by the time we post this on LB, lil Spoon here will be on it's way to my house. But this seems too good to stash in a Tupperware bin for 11 months a year, and I don't have any ceiling fans in my house... I don't see any reason why I couldn't hang this next to the pine tree air freshener on my car's rearview window.
I need to ask though ... why in God's name did anyone even make a Clarence Weatherspoon ornament? Did Harold Katz have a ceramic business that we didn't know about, and were these part of an ill-fated giveaway? Five bucks says that instead of Weatherspoon's name on the back of the jersey, there's a SportsChannel logo.
Dave: SportsChannel! #35 on your cable dial; #1 in your hearts. SportsChannel also aired syndicated ECW programming. Only in the mid-90s, could you get your Flyers, Sixers and Sabu fix on one channel.
Charles Barkley vs. Godzilla T-Shirt
Dave: Sure, Chuck was never able to capture that elusive NBC Championship, but that doesn't mean he couldn't conquer a gargantuan monster that terrorized the people of Japan. Besides, Derek Bodner told me that Godzilla can't go left.
There's no one who has a stronger appreciation for vintage t-shirts more than me. Half my closet is filled with vintage/faded gray t-shirts that, between you and me, Roy, are probably one size too small. (What do you want from me? My wife has been baking cookies all week). But $150 for this monstrosity - pun intended? I'm just not seeing it. And while I appreciate the seller's installment plan option; I find making monthly payments for a t-shirt particularly depressing.
Good news, honey. I'll have this Godzilla t-shirt paid off by June.
This Dr. J piece is more my speed. In fact, I want to fill a room with old school caricature NBA t-shirts, and swan dive into them like Scrooge McDuck.
Roy: I love rare memorabilia as much as the next guy, but you'd have to be a suicidal, homicidal, genocidal maniac to purchase a $150 T-shirt. Those polo shirts with the horse on them don't even cost that much. I spent $150 of a piece of Sixers apparel once, and that Kebu Stewart jersey is still hanging in the back of my closet, collecting dust.
This is a one-of-a-kind item, though. I hope you don't mind, but I wrote Derek myself to get a more detailed scouting report on Godzilla:
They didn't have SportVU 20 years ago, but Godzilla was clearly the No. 1 giant monster in the 1992 NBA Draft class. Its lack of athleticism was a bit concerning at the time (and still is), but Godzilla's tail allows it to create space on the low block like no other prospect in the past few decades.
When it comes to signature moves, Godzilla's nuclear breath is right up there with Dirk's one-legged fadeaway, Ginobili's Euro step, and Kyrie's crossover. And don't be alarmed by Godzilla's 100 percent usage rate: His BPP (buildings destroyed per possession) of 57.8 (per Synergy Sports) is the best mark in the league.
It's appealing, but... I just can't do it. A lukewarm thumbs-up to the Dr. J T-shirt, though - much like quality athlete nicknames, caricature apparel is one of the last vestiges of our childhood. And, as such, we must spend frivolously for the same clothes that once cost us (or, more accurately, our parents) $10 at Clover.
(You wrote that SportsChannel "also" aired Eastern/Extreme Championship Wrestling as if to say they aired something BETTER than Paul E. Dangerously's fledging wrestling promotion. Mitch Albom spent his Tuesdays with Morrie - I spent mine with New Jack. Do you know how many nights I stayed up late JUST to watch Mikey Whipwreck get powerbombed through a table by 911? And, for the record, Steve Austin's brief pre-Ringmaster stint in ECW is highly underrated.)
Dave: When I was like 9 or so - or maybe 19 - I can't recall now, I got a gift from Santa with a Clover tag on it. I think that's when the light bulb turned on.
And since you've already sidetracked me with ECW talk, here's my quick list of "If they were an ECW wrestler":
Mike Levin: Tommy Dreamer
@AstrosJordan: Shane Douglas
Mike B: Tazz
Jake P: Mikey Whipwreck (or Spike Dudley)
Rich: Steve Corino
Matt: Pitbull #2
Jake F: Stevie Richards
Sohil: Bubba Ray Dudley
Kyle: Justin Credible
Derek: Terry Funk
Justin F: Balls Mahoney
Sean: The Sandman
Brandon: Mike Awesome
Tanner: Blue Meanie
Did I forget anyone? LB rosters more people than the '13-'14 Sixers.
Dave: These are admittedly ridiculous, but I love, love, love these cufflinks and there's nothing you can say to change my mind. Like LB Reader and life coach, Jon in LA, told me over coffee once in the valley:
"Every guy needs one great suit and a point guard with floor vision, Dave."
Jon in LA is the coolest guy I know. He would absolutely sign off on this purchase. According to the listing, ten cufflinks are available. I just purchased seven.
See above, Roy. There are like forty-seven LB writers. Assuming everyone gets hitched, and Tanner gets married four times (conservative estimate), that's at least fifty times we get to rock our three-piece suits and Sixers cufflinks.
These cufflinks make a statement. I'm not sure what that statement is yet, but for $66.95, I'm willing to find out.
Roy: I appreciate the comparison to Johnny Polo. I had a Raven-esque fashion phase in the late '90s. Flannel shirts were/are extremely comfortable.
But to that point, my fashion sense leaves much to be desired. The last pocket square I bought came from Caldor. When people bring up "wingtips" at cocktail parties, my response centers on how to get the ball to K.J. McDaniels on a fast break. So I have zero concept as to how much a quality pair of cufflinks cost, but I'll take the advice of you and Jon in LA and place a bid on these bad boys. May or may not use these to bribe Sixers' PR honcho, Mike Preston, for a press pass the next time A.I. comes to town.
BTW, I'm taking the under on the "Tanner walks down the aisle 4 times" prop bet: Once he slides into Nathalie Emmanuel's DMs after meeting her at the 2015 Liberty Ballers Lottery Party, we'll be safe to lock all windows and doors to his love life.
Dave: I feel good ending on that note.
Happy holidays, everyone.