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Last year on the Rights To Ricky Sanchez podcast, Mike Levin and Spike Eskin dived deep into the 2013-14 schedule and tried to come up with the moment in time when the 2013-14 Sixers would win five games and the consensus date was March 20, 2017. Or so it seemed.
Seeing as the Sixers figure to be similarly bad this season, especially now considering MCW won't return until around December, I figure let's do it again. I may not be as funny or witty as Levin or Spike, but that doesn't mean I can't give it a poor effort. As always, these predictions are guarantees and you should bet your entire life-savings on all of these events happening as stated.
So when will the Sixers win their fifth game this season? Let's peak ahead to the schedule and find out.
October 29 at Pacers: And the season starts with a Sixers loss. Some columnist somewhere questions whether or not the Pacers are better off with Paul George, and we all lose brain cells.
October 31 at Bucks: The Sixers win this game because the Bucks are a hot mess and this is what we in the sports blogging biz call "trolling."
November 1 vs. Heat: Tail end of a back-to-back against the Heat? Without MCW on the roster? Not happening.
November 3 vs. Rockets: Nope.
November 5 vs. Magic: Should of kept Vucevic
November 7 vs. Bulls: Derrick Rose and the Bulls bully their way past the Sixers. Get it? Bulls bullying? I'll show myself out.
November 9 at Raptors: Sixers win this one because it doesn't make any sense and Toronto sports are the saddest.
November 13 at Mavericks: Mediocre Western Conference team >>>>>>>> player-developing Eastern Conference team
November 14 at Rockets: Welcome to the season's first 40-point loss!
November 17 at Spurs: Welcome to the season's first 50-point loss!
November 19 vs. Celtics: The Sixers tank better than the Celtics. Bill Simmons cries into his Larry Bird snuggie.
November 21 vs. Suns: The Sixers squeak out a win thanks to an incredible Casper Ware half-court buzzer-beater sending the Suns into such a depressive spiral they are only left to conclude the only solution is to adopt their 33rd logo and 15th court in 46 years.
November 22 at Knicks: Andrea Bargnani has the Sixers laughing so hard the Knicks run off 30 unanswered while Nerlens Noel is mid-belly laugh.
November 24 vs. Trail Blazers: The Sixers are not winning this game.
November 26 vs. Nets: Nope.
November 29 vs. Mavericks: Negative.
December 1 vs. Spurs: lolno
December 3 vs. Timberwolves: The new lottery proposal is officially enacted for 2015 and beyond moments prior to the game leaving Sixers fans all the more enraged when Andrew Wiggins has a career game. You don't think things can happen like this. This will happen like this.
December 5 vs. Thunder: Hold on let me thing about this one..no.
December 6 at Pistons: The Detroit Pistons are a sad sack of incompetence. Here's win number 4.
December 10 at Hawks: William Tecumseh Sherman is ruled out of the game with a case of the dead leaving the Sixers hopeless in their quest to take down Atlanta. As for the basketball game, Shelvin Mack has a career game propelling the Hawks to victory.
December 12 at Nets: Nets win in a game so boring Jay-Z breaks into an unexpected rendition "Empire State of Mind" mid-3rd quarter.
December 13 vs. Grizzlies: Pain. This game brings much of it.
December 15 vs. Celtics: Bill Simmons contemplates seppuku.
December 19 vs. Hornets: Jrue Holiday and Anthony Davis bludgeon the Sixers.....no.....Baron Davis leads the Hornets to victory....wait.....oh this is Cody Zeller's bunch. Goody.
December 21 at Magic: The pressure's for the Sixers to win their fifth game here because if the Sixers don't win this oh god you do not want to look at the schedule after this game. Shouldn't of kept Vucevic.
The Sixers will be 5-21 heading into the traditional Christmas road trip taking them to Miami, Portland, Utah, Golden State, Phoenix, and Los Angeles Clippers before a welcome return home where they play the Cavs. Hopefully MCW will have returned by this point because if not....welp.