Sixers And Devils To Make Joint Major Announcement Thursday; World Panics, Then Stops Panicking

Happy Wednesday, everyone! You did not think we could get through a week this season without some sort of panic among Sixers fans, did you? If you did, and you thought this was the week, well, you're wrong.

Earlier this morning New York based sports television network SNY published the following press release from the New Jersey Devils.

"The New Jersey Devils, Prudential Center and Philadelphia 76ers will hold a major news conference on Thursday, January 9 at Prudential Center in advance of the New Jersey Devils-Dallas Stars game," the team said in a press release.

Scott O'Neil, the CEO of the 76ers and Devils, will be joined by Ken Daneyko, Bruce Driver, Jim Dowd and Grant Marshall from the Devils and Darryl Dawkins, Allen Iverson and Moses Malone from the Sixers.

The press conference will begin at 4 p.m. on Thursday.

PANIC! NOOOO! THE SIXERS ARE MOVING TO NORTH JERSEY! WHAT ELSE WOULD THIS BE ABOUT?

Well, you're wrong.

That panic was quickly quelled by Spike Eskin and others, who in no uncertain terms dictated the upcoming announcement has nothing to do with relocation. The Sixers are not moving to northern New Jersey (or any part of New Jersey), the Devils are not moving to the Philadelphia region*, and the teams are not building a new joint arena in an unknown location*.

*The Devils relocating makes just as little sense as the Sixers relocating. As recently as 2007, the Devils moved from East Rutherford's dilapidated Izod Center to downtown Newark and the brand new Prudential Center.

Since then, rumors about what the announcement is are spreading rampant across the internet. Nets Daily says it involves an overseas soccer team. Reliable Devils beat writer Tom Gulitti says it is a poker-related sponsorship deal. Spike claims in his above article it is a sponsorship deal, then on Twitter has claimed the sponsorship has nothing to do with soccer or poker. Eliot Shorr Parks is certain the announcement is a deal with PartyPoker.com, which I guess is tangentially related to poker.

There is much uncertainty surrounding the deal, and while we will not know for sure until tomorrow what this "major announcement" is, below are some pretty viable options for what is supposed to go down tomorrow afternoon at Prudential Center. Surely the announcement must be one of the following....

• The Sixers and Devils will form a joint investment firm and use it to sponsor their newly created soccer team of poker players, the Six Six Sixers. They begin play Saturday in England's Football Conference.
• The Sixers have traded Brandon Davies to the New Jersey Devils for a bag of pucks and a game-worn autographed Jaromir Jagr jersey. Davies promptly misses an empty net goal from point blank range two feet out before losing his balance and crashing into the net.
• The Devils have traded Cam Janssen to the Flyers for Big Bella and the rights to have Dr. J show up to every home game. Janssen's homophobic trash-talking incites his opponents to violence leading to Unswell In The Well.
• The Sixers have acquired the rights to N.J. Devil, fulfilling the promise of Adam Aron's dream all those years ago.
• The Sixers are loaning Spencer Hawes to the Devils just in time for the 2014 Winter Olympics because America needs all the help they can get.
• Under the false assumption that his elite rebounding ability from the wings translates to hockey, Evan Turner has demanded a trade to the Devils. Turner promptly hits the post in each of his first five shots.
• In a sign of solidarity with Brett Brown, Devils head coach Peter DeBoer announces he is severing his pinky. Brown acknowledges the support, but feels DeBoer has yet to experience the amount of agony he has.
• Before preparing a surprise announcement, Scott Stevens charges in and delivers a forceful elbow to the head of Sam Hinkie. After regaining consciousness, Hinkie at once trades the Sixers' 2014 1st round pick without protections and Michael Carter-Williams to the Lakers for Pau Gasol and this is not the least plausible scenario of the bunch AND OH GODDAMNIT NOW I'M CRYING I WAS A YOUNG CHILD AT THAT STEVENS GAME AND THE SCARS ARE REAL