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Knicks 102, Sixers 92: The Invasion

Tonight's Sixers-Knicks game was punctuated by the arrival of an alien race that seems bent on conquering Earth.

Brett Brown is missing after the Thrawrokian invasion.
Brett Brown is missing after the Thrawrokian invasion.
Eric P. Mull-USA TODAY Sports

A massive starship of alien origin descended on the Wells Fargo Center tonight, overshadowing the Knicks' 102-92 win over the Sixers with news of an impending invasion that will, at best, irrevocably alter the course of human history or, at worst, end human society as we know it.

After the fact, the warning signs were unmistakable as the power field from the alien spacecraft rejuvenated Amare Stoudemire's ailing knees to the point where he could score 21 points on 8-of-10 shooting and 5-of-5 from the line, including a thunderous second-quarter putback, and run circles around Spencer Hawes and Brandon Davies. Hawes and Sixers coach Brett Brown both earned technical fouls in the first half after the same energy field caused neurological irritation, though we obviously had no way of knowing that at the time.

The aliens are fourteen-foot-tall lizard-men called Thrawrokians. Well, "men" isn't entirely accurate, because the complicated Thrawrokian mating process actually requires nine participants from some seven sexes, leaving us at a loss for adjectives in light of the typical mammalian male/female dichotomy. Within moments after the final buzzer, a garrison of some two dozen Thrawrokian troops, armed with plasma rifles and neutrino grenades, captured the Wells Fargo Center and currently hold the game's participants and spectators hostage.

There was initial violence--the Thrawrokian shock troops opened fire on the crowd. "Bodies have been flying all night," said Sixers play-by-play man Marc Zumoff. "If not bodies colliding, then bodies slipping and sliding." But after a few minutes, the fighting stopped.

The Thrawrokians have not issued any official statements, other than to say that when they do, it will be through J.R. Smith, who was a key factor in a second quarter in which the Knicks outscored the Sixers 32-12. Smith, who did not play in the first quarter, hit all four of his field goal attempts in the quarter and added a free throw for 11 points. Because of his performance, the Thrawrokians concluded that Smith must be the dominant form of life on this planet and, as such, will only communicate through the Knicks guard. He will henceforth be known as Supreme Iglak (a Thrawrokian honorific roughly equivalent to "Chancellor" or "President"). Supreme Iglak finished with 14.

Though the Sixers led 28-20 after the first quarter, the Knicks adapted to the idiosyncrasies of basketball under threat of alien invasion more swiftly than did their hosts. After the aforementioned 32-12 run reversed the lead by half, the Knicks went on to score 32 more points in the third quarter before the Sixers reeled them in somewhat in the fourth.

Sources close to the State Department and the U.N., both of which have been negotiating with the Thrawrokians, indicate that should the Earth fall under Thrawrokian occupation, the Sixers' draft status should remain unchanged. In fact, it might improve if the Thrawrokians want Evan Turner back badly enough to reclaim him.

Be sure to check back with Liberty Ballers and our Knicks-centered brother, Posting and Toasting, for more information as this story develops.

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