The NBA Draft is tonight (hey, cool!) and sixty men will be drafted. While some part of us likes each and every one of them -- we see you Devyn Marble -- it's important to remember that not all of these guys will be good. Some of them will hide in Belarus and never come stateside. Some of them will never make it out of the D-League. Some of them will be grayed out on Wikipedia's 2002 NBA Draft page (missing you, Sam Clancy).
But really, some of them will just be bad. Here, a few hours from draft time, a few of us look back at the blue chip draft prospects of yesteryear who simply could not miss.
1) Speedy Claxton:
Semi-believable dialogue from 2000:
"What do we think of this Speedy Claxton pick, Dave?"
You mean Craig? Love 'im. The next Iverson.
"The next Iverson? Wow, that's good value at #20."
2) Shawn Respert: The Michigan State sharpshooter's biggest claim to fame was appearing in NBA Hang Time for the Milwaukee Bucks. But more often than not, you were rolling with Vin Baker and Glenn Robinson anyway.
3) Richard Elmer "Joey" Dorsey: On my death bed, fifty years from now, all of my children and grandchildren will huddle around me. I will motion for them to move closer, my voice, barely audible.
"Children ... grandchildren ... Joey Dorsey is the next Ben Wallace," I whisper, before taking my final breath on this earth.
4) Michael Sweetney: The Georgetown product, Sweetney, passed the Dave "eye test," which asks only one question:
How did he do against Notre Dame?
Sweetney averaged 47.5 ppg in his career against the Irish. According to Wikipedia, he's currently playing professionally in Puerto Rico.
"Seven footers don't grow on trees," I told the girl next to me at my college graduation ceremony.
6) Yi Jianlian: Never saw someone dominate a chair like that before.
7) Acie Law: Whoops. Boy, did I swing and miss on this one. My kryptonite is girls who can quote Boy Meets World and tough-as-nails lefty point guards.
8) Derrick Byars: I still believe.
9) Eric Maynor: Um ...
10) Evan Turner: ...
With Evan Turner on board Pacers will basically be unbeatable now.— Chris Palmer (@ChrisPalmerNBA) February 20, 2014
11) Trajan Langdon: During the second weekend of the 1999 NCAA Tournament, I sat 12 rows away from the court as Trajan rained in 3s against Mississippi State and Temple like he was playing a game of HORSE in his driveway. Certain members of the Continental Airlines Arena crowd resorted to calling him "Trojan Langdon" - witty college students, we were - but I refrained, sitting in complete awe of one of the greatest shooters of my generation. I was certain that he'd take the league by storm in short order, but I (and the Cleveland Cavaliers) quickly realized that he was incapable of creating his own shot at the NBA level. He had a hell of a career overseas, so there's that.
12) Michael Beasley: After about two months at Kansas State, it was clear that Mike Beasley had NO BUSINESS being in college. The 39 and 11 against eventual national champion Kansas pretty much sealed the deal, and when he was drafted second overall, I thought he was going to put up all of the points. Instead, he put up all of the pictures of himself with weed in the background, and Nothing Was The Same. Even so, he's still only 25 years old - technically, he's two years shy of his prime. It's something to think about...
13) Joe Alexander: No human being in the world I trust more than Joe Alexander. Guy was born in Taiwan and speaks like 14 different languages. Convinced he only he went to West Virginia so he could try to educate the whole state. He's got everything you want in a basketball player -- hops, smarts, tasteful tattoos, good foul shot form -- I smell a league-wide conspiracy as to why he hasn't made it yet.
14) A.J. Price: In my Levin In Wonderland NBA, where every team is obligated to play a pass-first, unathletic backup point guard who can only hit threes from the top of the key for 13 minutes per game, A.J. Price will rule the world.
15) Kyrylo Fesenko: SERIOUSLY WHERE IN THE GODDAMN HELL ARE MY FUTURE CONSIDERATIONS, JAZZ?
16) Hasheem Thabeet: I, uh, missed on this one. Put him on these Sixers still though.
17) Ricky Sanchez: Self-evident.
Roy's already working on his Zach LaVine blurb for this same column in 2018.
*this post was started by Dave, then food poisoning via his wife's tacos ramshackled him to the toilet, and Mike and Roy were called in to hold his hair back and finish writing it*
**Dave's final wish before he died of loose tacos was to mention the Sixers' last #3 pick was a house. A Stackhouse.**
***nobody had the heart to include jonny flynn or qyntel woods here. sorry guys.***