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The Tao of Royce White: Get Down, Stay Down

Mixing metaphors that don't fit together, forever.

Thomas Campbell-US PRESSWIRE

It's New Year's Eve. Your live-in lover broke up with you and moved into a nicer place 9 months ago. You're going to a party at a place you've never been with people who aren't your best friends. They're okay, sure, but the only reason you're going is because they know how to drink and, more importantly, there figures to be potentially hot, potentially single organisms there. You tell yourself not to expect anything. But here you are shoving condoms in your wallet like you're raiding a K-Mart before the Apocalypse and taking a second look at your underwear, mentally clocking it so you remember them as your "Lucky Panties" after tonight. You have expectations. You're screwed.

We cannot expect anything out of Royce White. He's a talented but highly flawed basketball player with well-documented problems with, well, almost everything. He has played exactly zero NBA games since being drafted 15 months ago. I loved Hinkie picking him up and I still do, but for our own mental health, you have to know that you're not hooking up with anyone tonight. Don't think about it. Have a good time. Dance your face off. Whatever happens happens. Expect nothing.

So here are the rules:

1. Don't talk about Royce White. We have to because we're technically a Sixers blog (though some would disagree) and since Royce is "on" the Sixers, we'll write about it.

2. Don't read anything about Royce White. You shouldn't even be reading this. I'll let it slide -- like the first round of Simon Says -- this time.

3. Unfollow him on twitter.

4. Now you can forget Royce White exists. This is what we didn't do last year with Andrew Bynum. They wouldn't have nearly the same impact and whatever minor expectations put upon White don't come close to those of Bynum last year, but we can still learn from our mistakes.

5. If Royce ever plays (don't think about it!), treat it like a $10 bill you found in your jeans after the wash.

He'll be at camp. That's cool. But now you must Men In Black yourself and forget this exists.

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