So the Sixers May Have Contacted Larry Brown about Coaching Them.

One undisclosed source has told Adam Zagoria of SNY that Larry Brown has been contacted by the Brooklyn Nets and Philadelphia 76ers about their head coaching positions. This source "requested anonymity" because it was probably Larry Brown's great-nephew. Larry Brown is 72 and currently coaching the SMU Mustangs to 11th place finishes in Conference USA.

Naturally, the reactionary corner of the internet set itself ablaze last night, stampeding their cattle through the Vatican of a world in which Larry Brown once again coaches the Sixers. This, apparently, is a world in which Sam Hinkie and Josh Harris are permanently participating in Opposite Day.

Spike Eskin recently undressed Larry Brown's opinions on advanced statistics ("It doesn't work in basketball.") in what has become the simplest way to detect blatant ignorance in sport. Larry Brown is the last person -- save maybe Doug Collins -- who would best fit the kind of coach Hinkie and Harris are looking for.

Hiring an old, sleepy, listless Larry Brown to lead a rebuilding effort built around analytics would be the Reverse Shallow Hal of basketball decisions. It'd be like finally getting your braces off after three years of headgear and deciding to torpedo a high-powered screwdriver into your back molars.

Could Larry Brown have been contacted by the Sixers? Sure. Hinkie's a new GM. He's calling everybody. He's calling Hammer.

But the more likely scenario is that his camp has leaked this information as a negotiating ploy in some other move. Maybe Billy King wants him back under his hysterically forgetful wing. Odds are Sam Hinkie is reading this rumor in between Number Munchers games on his 1995 Macintosh while pale women dressed only in suspenders and thick-rimmed glasses feed him grapes.

You'll just have to get your Cranky Old Turd fix from the host of Sixers advisers holed up someplace.