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JOB OPENING: Head Coach of Anonymous NBA Team in Philadelphia

Found this while surfing the web. Seems legit.

Backup stand, Melvin Hunt.
Backup stand, Melvin Hunt.
Chris Humphreys-USA TODAY Sports

A large-scale professional basketball team in the Greater Philadelphia area seeks Head Coach. Apply within. Tell no one.


  • Mentoring mediocre basketball players through the nadirs of their careers.
  • Requiring players to shoot thousands of corner three's a day.
  • Tolerating the Philadelphia media. This is a dealbreaker for some.
  • Pretending the losses bother you when really you're doing a great job. Tanktastic.
  • Inventing clever reasons why Kwame Brown Did Not Play.
  • Falling on the sword for the front office while the team struggles for years until a superstar is found.


  • Must be agreeable splitting time with interns.
  • You're not Doug Collins. Go play with your grandkids, Doug.
  • A lack of proud ignorance as to the statistical resources at our disposal.
  • Must have publicly trashed Spencer Hawes at some point within the last two years.
  • Must not be bothered by thousands of empty seats.
  • Houston.
  • Must not get thrown by professional wrestling or popular fantasy novel references.
  • Silly or pun-able name is a plus.
  • Fancy college. Preferably Ivy League. Will settle for Stanford or Lehigh. Anything but Temple or Penn State or West Chester.


  • Tweet #NewSixersHeadCoach with a Twitpic of your resume and cover letter.

The Philadelphia 76ers basketball team in Philadelphia is NOT an Equal Opportunity Employer.