JOB OPENING: Head Coach of Anonymous NBA Team in Philadelphia

A large-scale professional basketball team in the Greater Philadelphia area seeks Head Coach. Apply within. Tell no one.

RESPONSIBILITIES

• Mentoring mediocre basketball players through the nadirs of their careers.
• Requiring players to shoot thousands of corner three's a day.
• Tolerating the Philadelphia media. This is a dealbreaker for some.
• Pretending the losses bother you when really you're doing a great job. Tanktastic.
• Inventing clever reasons why Kwame Brown Did Not Play.
• Falling on the sword for the front office while the team struggles for years until a superstar is found.

QUALIFICATIONS

• Must be agreeable splitting time with interns.
• You're not Doug Collins. Go play with your grandkids, Doug.
• A lack of proud ignorance as to the statistical resources at our disposal.
• Must have publicly trashed Spencer Hawes at some point within the last two years.
• Must not be bothered by thousands of empty seats.
• Houston.
• Must not get thrown by professional wrestling or popular fantasy novel references.
• Silly or pun-able name is a plus.
• Fancy college. Preferably Ivy League. Will settle for Stanford or Lehigh. Anything but Temple or Penn State or West Chester.

CONTACT

• Tweet #NewSixersHeadCoach with a Twitpic of your resume and cover letter.

The Philadelphia 76ers basketball team in Philadelphia is NOT an Equal Opportunity Employer.