Andrew Bynum and a Battle Royal of Emotions

I recently watched Identity for the first time.

It's 10 years old and not particularly good, so I don't feel any moral obligation to withhold the twist ending from you. All the characters that show up to this abandoned hotel where people start dying in the rain -- they're alternate personalities of this guy pleading insanity on death row. The few intriguing things that do happen are stitched into a quilt of Let-It-Go-It's-In-His-Head-Yeah-That-Guy! plot holes roughly the size of Ray Liotta's huge face.

I don't know how you feel about Andrew Bynum. I don't know how Andrew Bynum feels about Andrew Bynum. I just know how I feel about him -- or more specifically how much I feel about him -- to which the answer is A LOT. I feel about Andrew Bynum a lot. Enough to write a post about him as if I'm having a conversation with different parts of myself via email, in what unravels into a Passover Seder quicker than I would've guessed.

Please forgive me for this.

BITTER MIKE
Bring Bynum back? Are we fans of punishment? Like, I get the idea that we write about the Sixers and that's inherently punishment, but do we have to actively seek it out and give it lots of money and patiently wait while somebody burns our asscheek with a brand that reads "Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?"

Bynum strung us along more than that girl in 9th grade, 11th grade, 12th grade, Junior Year, and last month combined. At least most of them kissed us a little bit. Bynum gave us eight months worth of Josh Hartnett blue balls while constantly shanking us in the back when we weren't looking.

If we're gonna give him the money it's gonna take to sign him, we may as well just light it on fire and live out our days as a Sherpa.

SUMMER OF 2012 MIKE
So he didn't play this year. WHATEVER. We said going into this trade that even if Bynum doesn't play a single game, it's still the right move to make. And it was. We took a risk and bottomed out. Now we have a high(ish) draft pick, a new regime, and the opportunity to seriously rebuild.

Give him 3/50 with a 4th year team option and wait him out. Whatever it takes. He'll play eventually. If that's not this year, then sweet -- get a stud in the 2014 draft. Whatever we need to assure he'll play 50 games or so a year and lead this core into the light cakes of the Eastern Conference playoffs.

Otherwise: Hello Mediocracy.

NIHILIST MIKE
I was going to buy a pair of jeans online but I wasn't sure if the pants would fit. I guess I'll just make a sandwich inste-- Oh. Nevermind. We're out of meat.

BITTER MIKE
YEAH BECAUSE ANOTHER YEAR OF BOWLING JOKES IS REALLY HEALTHY FOR OUR MENTAL STATE. GUYS, WE LOST 30 POUNDS THIS SEASON AND ASKED JRUE FOR A DICK PIC.

HOUSTON ROCKS MIKE
No matter what we do, Houston will match. Daryl Morey rolls the dice on talent, and there's no chance Tony DiLeo and Josh Harris along with all those fancy-crowned consultants are prepared to give Andrew a 5-year max. Houston will offer 4 years at the max and Bynum will take it and we'll move to Houston with Daniel Stern and Dan Aykroyd and recreate Rocket Pride by kidnapping James Harden.
-Mrs. Chandler Parsons

BITTER MIKE
Sweet email sig, douche. HE'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD.

AUGUST OF 2012 MIKE
Why not match? The worst that can happen is he signs and the Sixers remain bad. Trade Thad for assets, dive into next summer with Jrue and Drew and a whole bunch of young guys who don't mind losing.

And unless something really unfathomable has happened this season, I can't imagine we'd risk what is really their only chance at contention because we're tired of dealing with Bynum.

BITTER MIKE
OH MY GOD I AM BURNING WITH RAGE

NICK YOUNG MIKE
Max?

BITTER MIKE
I'm simply very concerned about our long-term well-being if we're forced to spend another year blogging about Bynum.

NIHILIST MIKE
Could really go for some cheese.

ROYAL IVEY MIKE
HEY GUYS, DID SOMEBODY SAY CHEES--

Royal Ivey Mike has left the conversation via strangulation.

"IT'S SIMPLE" MIKE
The Sixers are the Sixers. If they don't sign Bynum, they'll sign Josh Smith or Al Jefferson. It's simple -- they've got to prove they're doing something to the fanbase, but without crippling the organization with a huge contract for a sub-superstar player. It's gonna be someone. It should be Bynum.

BITTER MIKE
Fine, I can see I'm outnumbered here. Sign him. Have fun embedding all the Tom Moore tweets without me. I'm moving to Milwaukee.

NICK YOUNG MIKE
HEY ROYAL IT'S ME NICK

AUGUST OF 2012 MIKE
Really excited about the second season of Homeland! Sure hope they find a way to keep the Carrie/Brody relationship not terribly annoying.

NIHILIST MIKE
Is this thread still going?

NIHILIST MIKE
Oh man, this 6-year-old has been killing all of us the whole time. Weird.

-----

OK an actual thought that took me months to finally decide on:

Signing Bynum is the right move.

I'm terrified how my brain would react to another year of delayed updates and not playing basketball -- and I think the Sixers ownership harbors similar resentment and terror -- but if you can get him for a little cheaper than you would had he been playing *deep breath* it could be a steal.

Bynum is still one of the best centers in the league and we truthfully don't know how he'll look if/when he gets back on the court full time. The rationale that goes "He Plays, We're Good; He Sits, We're Terrible" is not too far off. It just seems so much more likely that the Sixers sign Bynum and he plays eventually than the Sixers suck badly enough to get a superstar in the draft next year or the year after, ad infinitum.

The Bynum/Jrue/Thad core is worth going for. Load his contract with incentives and niches that change the terms if he misses a certain number of games a year. He may be a headcase. He may be broken. But he can dance and he's our best chance, and I'm not just saying that because it rhymes. It's probably still the truth.

So.... thoughts?

Pro Tip: Never bet against the Heartbreak Kid in an emotional Battle Royal.