Sixers vs. Nets: The Pre-Game Post-Game Preview

The Philadelphia 76ers and Brooklyn Nets will play what would appear on the surface to be a meaningless basketball game tonight in Brooklyn, New York. But friends, it is not meaningless. It is as far from meaningless as you can go.

Let me explain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up.

I've just gone back in time with Doc Brown or Shane Carruth or Michael Crichton or somebody else, who took me is immaterial, and returned here. Today. This moment. The Sixers are an unpleasant 31-45 with just six games to play. The Nets have a good bit of padding on that 4th seed. This game shouldn't matter. But it does. From where I'm coming from, it does.

Because this game will not only change the way Wilkinsball is pla-- sorry, in my time, we call it "Wilkinsball." This game will not only change the way basketball is played forever, but also how people live their lives and how nations are run. Wars will be fought over this basketball game.

How do two teams who play slower than Carl Grimes backpedaling from a sea of Walkers have such a massive effect on life itself after just one game?

Two words: Damien Wilkins and Kwame Brown play veteranly and Reggie Evans shows grit and determination. I won't get into specifics (you're gonna want to see this yourself -- trust me, this game also set Nielsen Records), but I will tell you that the VETERANOSIPRIDERMINAGRIT you're about to endure is enough to make a blind man see and an old man believe. I'm 85 years old now and I know these things because I have experience. None of your fancy stats and tasty gherkins can take that from me.

I've watched this game 61 times in my life. I had sex with my second wife for the first time to this game. Now I'm looking forward to having sex with you people in the game thread later tonight. But before we consecrate ourselves, here are a few facts from the future I'm allowed to share.

- Some scrappy 6'1 off-guard from Muncie, Indiana cures cancer. He's got a very quick release but he leaves much to be desired on the defensive end. Utah signs him to a Permanent Contract.

- Cardboard no longer exists. It's just gone.

- Short shorts were in for a while, but now they're out again. Way out.

- "Dreams" by The Cranberries is unanimously named the best song of all time by everyone.

- The President is a horse. And now horses can marry other horses or other humans or humans who look like horses or horses who look like humans, but that doesn't happen much because horse-humans usually disappoint. The South explodes. Those who got away on horseback marry their horses and live happily in an old fishing town in Jackson Hole, Wyoming -- where Mr. Feeny lives for a time.

- Animagi really exist. I'm an octopus. A giant one.

- The nation's collective Bracket has been busted for decades. Irreparable damage.

- Montana secedes into Canada, but nobody notices.

- Someone chants "WHERE BROOKLYN AT?" too many times and they die.

- The NCAA went to war with Lebanon. It didn't end well for either side.

- After this Sixers/Nets game, Sixers bloggers become instantly identifiable as the sexiest humans alive.

Tip-off is at 7:30 your time.