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Dutch Oven'd: Butt Cats Smother Sixers, 88-83.

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Never trust a big butt and a smile.

USA TODAY Sports

The Charlotte Bobcats defeated the Sixers tonight, 88-83, in front of a sell out crowd at the Time Warner Cable Arena.

The Sixers jumped on the Bobcats in the opening minutes. Led by the Immortal Anti-Tanker Damien Wilkins (20 points, 9 rebounds. 7-14 from the floor), the Sixers sprinted out to an eight point lead after the first frame. Wilkins, who is proving that 33 is the new 21, continued a string of new-found offensive prowess that has left Lucy the Tanking Octopus confused, hurt, and on the first bus to Cleveland.

Wilkins' recent play is both maddening and fascinating, and if I have one more glass of wine, I'm probably gonna offer Wilkins a max contract.

So, please, someone take the Yellowtail away from me.

The Bobcats clawed their way back in the second quarter. Backed by a balanced attack and some sloppy turnovers by the Sixers, Charlotte chipped away at a double-digit deficit and cut the Sixers lead to 45-40 at the break.

The Sixers were outscored 24-16 in the third, in yet another candidate for the worst quarter of basketball this season. Here are a few events that took place:

-Kemba Walker treated the Sixers like a middling Big East team. Think South Florida, with a splash of Providence.

-My wife begged me to put on the Phillies game on three different occasions.

-I saw a 'Pargo' on the floor, and was instantly confused.

-The cameras showed Doug Collins on the bench who looked more disgruntled than Ricky Sanchez after his rights were traded.

-The cameras also panned to Tony DiLeo, who was playing with his cell phone. But knowing DiLeo - and I think I do based on his press conferences as head coach - DiLeo was probably doing something DiLeoish like checking his weather app or scrolling through the settings options.

"Airplane mode on. Airplane mode off. Airplane mode on. Airplane -"

The Sixers and Bobcats rode the tanking seesaw - made by Fisher Price - in the fourth quarter, but the Sixers could not survive an absolutely horrid game by Jrue Holiday. Jrue was terrible, like playing hungover at the Y terrible. Jrue Holiday was 2-24 from the field, which I didn't think it was possible. But, hey, Sixers.

Tonight's game was an abomination for basketball fans, but a generous offering to the tanking overlords. And while the Sixers and Lucy aren't exactly dating again, tonight's game was equivalent to a Saturday night booty call.

"Last night was a mistake, Lucy. We're with Damien now."

"You texted me, Sixers."

Other Potent Potables

-Josh McRoberts had 12 points and 16 rebounds. I didn't believe it either, but box score don't lie.

-Gerald Henderson had 24 points on 10-18 shooting.

-Tonight also marked the Sixers debut of Justin Holiday. Justin scored 2 points on 1-5 shooting. He scored three fewer points than his brother, on 19 less shots.