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Sixers 97, Cavs 87: The Perks of Being a Basketballflower

The Sixers played the Cavs tonight. The majority of you didn't watch but fortunately for you, Charlie from "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" tuned in. His thoughts...


A warning: If you are not familiar with the writing in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", you will probably find this to be the dumbest "recap" of all-time. Even if you did read the book, you'll still probably think that.

Dear friend,

I'm writing this to you because Dave's wife said you'd listen and didn't abandon tanknation even though you could have. Please don't try to figure out who this is because I'd like for this all to remain anonymous. You could probably figure out who I am but I'd rather you didn't as I don't want to be known as that person who willingly watched a pointless Sixers and Cavaliers game on a Friday night when other exciting things were going on. Two sweet sixteen games happening at the same time, an opportunity to let go at the bar, or even a chance to sleep or watch that thing the kids call Game of Thrones all night would most likely be considered better options by somebody my age.

But alas, I sat on a cushy chair and fixed my eyes on a game that didn't light the world on fire by any means. Sometimes, for whatever twisted reason, I like to subject myself to loathsome situations and inflict visual pain upon myself. I'm not sure why I do it, but a psychiatrist might say it's because it'll make me appreciate the beauty in the more enjoyable life events. I'm not one to trust his/her opinion but she's entitled to it nonetheless.

In a culture defined by a term Justin Bieber drove to overkill, SWAG, I was slightly disturbed to be greeted with a mustached creature on my television. I always associated the NBA with style and flash, not by mirroring a look of 1960s Miami coke-dealer. I guess it's Spencer Hawes' way of getting noticed, but to me it comes off as desperate and what Holden Caulfield would label as "phony" behavior. I know Sam (not Dalembert) would be put-off by that type of thing, so to me it's not worth the attention it would garner.

One guy who always put his "fresh" image before all else, and one of my favorites for that sole reason while he was in Philadelphia, was Marreese Speights. I got an opportunity to watch him during this game for the first time in a while and it was just as amazing as I'd hope. He looks a little bigger (not in a good way) than he did while on the Sixers but I'd be lying if I said it was surprising. I never saw him as a guy who placed his physical condition at the top of his priorities. There's no chance it comes before naps or caks (whatever those are).

I really do like the Sixers' blue uniforms but wearing them too much takes away from their lure in all honesty. Do you think Marc Zumoff gets thrown off now that he has to know when to say "blue shirts' or "red shirts" when they play on the road?

The first quarter of this game almost put me to sleep. I don't how anybody can muster up enough energy to be even remotely excited about watching one of these games. Predictably enough, the Sixers didn't shoot well and trailed by five points after the first period. It won't be the first time tonight, but I'm starting to regret putting myself through this.

I got up to put on, what else, my Smiths' record so I could listen to "Asleep" for the 40th time today when I noticed a player on Cleveland named Shaun Livingston. I looked him up on my computer (I finally had to stop using my typewriter - sorry Sam and Patrick) and found a pretty disgusting video of what happened to his knee. I'm glad he was able to recover and remain a professional basketball player, though. I can't really compare what a physical injury to a basketball player would be like to an aspiring writer like myself but I'll guess it'd be like suffering a brain injury or disease and be unable to string together thoughts. He looked pretty spry on the court and even had a left-hand dunk over the previously mentioned Hawes in the second quarter that made me inherently smile for him. The smile was immediately wiped from my face because, as always, my mind traveled to "what could have been" for Shaun.

The Sixers picked it up and provided some excitement towards the end of the first half when Spencer (I don't know why I have to keep mentioning him) got a lucky roll on a three-point attempt. The Sixers scored nine straight points and I felt some sort of jubilance when Evan Turner threw an alley-oop to Thaddeus Young on their final possession of the half. That play allowed them to be tied at the end of the half.

For what I counted to be the fourth time during the broadcast, the Sixers showed a commercial saying they were "Passionate. Intense. Proud". Maybe I'm taking this too literally, but this team rarely looks passionate, intense, or proud in any sense of the words. I'm sure they want the season just as much as their fans do.

Sometimes I like to read the site Liberty Ballers on SB Nation just to see what they complain about on a daily basis when it comes to this team. One theme I noticed from the website is that they like to say what they ate for dinner or what they're eating during halftime. I'll steal a page out of their blog (is that possible) and tell you that I'm eating tacos.

Disappointing those to want them to lose, the Sixers came out hitting a bunch shots in the 2nd half and Evan even hit a three from the top of the key. I'm not an expert nor do I pretend to be one (unless we're talking Rocky Horror Picture Show or making mixtapes) but he usually doesn't strike hot from there. I'm used to seeing him take those from the corner but this one was wide open. I really wish he were better and more consistent than he actually is. Tonight is one of those nights that keep me paying attention to him. He's like that girl that will ignore you for weeks on end, but then comes that one special day when she starts texting you, regenerating the hope you lost during the previous week.

At this point they were up by nine and I wasn't the least bit enthused so I guess you could put me in that camp of people who want the team to lose at this point. Normally I'd be excited about Thaddeus Young hitting eight of his first ten shots but in this instance I was "meh" about it all. One thing I do enjoy is his name. Every time I say it I feel like I'm addressing royalty or a philosopher from the BC era. "Thaddeus really has an inspiring take on metaphysics". It sounds too right not to be true.

The start of the 4th quarter had it's show of runs by Cleveland but the Sixers somehow answer back seemingly every time. All-star superhero mask wearer Luke Walton would hit a three and Turner, from that same spot in the third, gave one right back to him. It was almost like a game of Horse, only this time nobody would get a letter and the game would go on forever. I always wondered who game up with that name. Like, who came up with using a horse as the theme. Why not another five-letter animal name? If I made it up, it'd by "GUPPY" without a doubt.

Like my favorite athlete of all-time in Rod Laver, the Sixers held serve for the remainder of the game and came away with what is technically a win. Although it'd be more beneficial for the future for them to lose, I'm sure the players are happy to have won considering they win as many games on the road as I have dates in a year (as seen by me watching this game on Friday night). Luckily it was Evan, Philosophizing Thaddeus, and all-star Jrue Holiday leading the way. The best performance came from Evan but like I said before, I can't allow myself to get too excited because he'll ignore me in the hallways between classes next week anyway. The win definitely hurts a little less than if it were the turtle lookalike Damien Wilkins.

The game was relatively uneventful but it'll go down in the books as a ten point Sixer win. I'm sure you have much better things to do than read my scatterred thoughts on a pointless, late-March NBA game so I'll leave you here. Maybe I'll write to you again tomorrow when they play the Bobcats on Allen Iverson bobblehead night.

But remember, if this does end up being my last basketball themed letter, please believe that things are good with me and the Sixers, and even when they're not (which is most of the time), they will be soon enough.

And I will believe the same about you and the Ottawa Rough Riders.

Love always,


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