Philadelphia 76ers Trade All Draft Picks for Pride

Everyone knows the NBA Draft is a crapshoot. Teams have no way of knowing who will be good and who will bust, so there's not much difference between landing a top five pick and one in the teens. And with each forthcoming NBA Draft universally accepted as the worst draft in years, teams would do well to stay away from Evan Turner, Kwame Brown, and Michael Olowokandi if they can avoid it.

As June fast approaches, the Sixers have found away to circumvent the Draft process altogether. Adrian Wojnarowski and everyone retweeting Adrian Wojnarowski report that the Sixers have traded away their 2013 first and second round picks, in addition to the New Orleans second round pick, as well as every other future draft pick the Sixers could ever dream of owning, back to the NBA in exchange for Pride.

Pride seems to be entering the prime of his career. Last season with the Milwaukee Bucks, Pride was a double-double machine while shooting a satisfactory 45% from the field, all on mid-range jumpers -- a lost art in today's NBA. Pride has no tattoos and reportedly keeps an Aaron Rowand poster right next to his bed.

Legendary Sixers coach Doug Collins was ecstatic with the move. "Even though we're 15 games under .500 with 13 games to play, I feel really confident with our guys. We're playing for Pride now."

The trade was met with universal acclaim from anyone who would not categorize themselves as a "loser", including Oklahoma City Thunder coach Scott Brooks when discussing his decision to play Derek Fisher over Jeremy Lamb and DeAndre Liggins. (actual quote) "Experience. You can't get that unless you have it. It's not something you get going to the store. 'I'm going to buy 5 championships and 17 yrs in the league.' He gives us experience."

Opposing GM's have already filed inquiries with the league office about the fairness of playing Damien Wilkins and Pride at the same time. All 18 of the faxed documents contained the word "Superteam."

With the announcement of the trade, hundreds of thousands of formerly-aimless Sixers fans have flooded the phone lines of the ticketing office. The team's only ticket agent, Rona (a part-time nurse and mother of three children who describe themselves as "Phillies, Eagles, and Flyers fans, but don't really care about the Sixers that much since Iverson left. Did they trade Iggy yet?"), is reportedly swamped.

Stay tuned in the coming days for details on the Pride Press Conference to be held on the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art next week.