Sixers vs. Magic Preview: Fear and Loathing in Orlando

The 76ers square off against Nikola Vucevic and the Orlando Magic in a pivotal battle for ping-pong ball supremacy. The Sixers last played on Friday - a game effort, but a predictable 102-93 loss to the seemingly invincible Miami Heat. The road hasn't been kind to the Sixers, who haven't won outside the Wells Fargo Center/First Union Center/Core States Center/the Spectrum since a 108-102 victory over the Bullets back in '87. (Julius Erving led all scorers).

To say the Sixers are playing out the string would be an insult to strings everywhere. For those of you young kids, who are too young to remember the Clarence Weatherspoon Era, welcome. That music you hear playing softly in the background is from a band called, Blues Traveler. And that extremely tall Caucasian man hovering around the bean dip is named, Shawn.

This current Sixers outfit is capable of trailing by double-digits at any moment. It's like they're Minutemen, but instead of muskets, their weapon of choice is conceding 14-2 runs that would make even the '93 Mavericks blush. The Sixers will start tonight painfully slow. Or fast. And then dive into a cesspool of ghastly basketball that may last five minutes, or until the end of Spring Training.

The Sixers play a bland, plodding brand of basketball that I haven't seen the likes of since Mike, Tanner, Jordan, and I played two-on-two in 114° Vegas heat. They are 2-12 in their last 14 games. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if management signed Kevin Ollie to a 10-day contract after he returns from his recruiting trip. Charlie Jenkins isn't working out. It's not you, Charlie. It's us.

Sixers.

If each NBA team was a participant in a battle royal, the Sixers would be Vincent. Not even Virgil, no; Virgil was a former Million Dollar Champion. The Sixers would be Vincent. They would wear black jeans, and their finishing move would be the headlock. I recently subjected my wife to the second half of the Sixers/Hawks game, and I've been sleeping on the couch ever since. Never has one professional sports team affected my personal life quite like this. I'm in a funk. You're in a funk. Mike Levin is in a funk. Terry Funk. Even Adam Aron's tweets have lacked their usual abundance of capital letters.

Our Sixers car flags are raised at half-mast today, tomorrow, and probably for the foreseeable future.

Tip-off is at 6:00.

WCW Thunder: March 5th 1998: Goldberg vs. Vincent (via GoldbergClassics)