Have you spent all season fantasizing about how awesome the Sixers would be if Jrue Holiday weren't surrounded by awful teammates? Well your fantasy is about to come true.
We've got four spectacles on the tube for you tonight, and just as tailgating can often be more fun than the game experience itself, the Saturday night festivities can often leave Sunday's buffet of uncontested dunks feeling a little unsatisfying.
For Sixers fans, the main attraction is obviously Jrue Holiday, the bookies' favorite to win the Skills Competition, a timed dribbling, passing and shooting contest the specific rules for which elude me, but I imagine we'll figure it out. Shooting, dribbling and passing are things I remember Tony Parker being good at, so look for the plucky Parisian to challenge Holiday for the title. Other contestants: Jeff Teague, Jeremy Lin, Brandon Knight and Damian Lillard (who I know isn't the guy from Without a Paddle and SLC Punk, but if you think I'm not going to spend all night making Matthew Lillard jokes, you're sorely mistaken).
The night kicks off with the Shooting Stars competition at 8:30, which involves three people shooting from dots and served to inform me that Tina Thompson is still playing in the WNBA. I remember reading about her in SI for Kids back in the mid-90s alongside, like, Cynthia Cooper and Rebecca Lobo. Good for her--she draws Sam Cassell and James Harden as teammates in case you're interested in that.
Immediately afterward, the Three-Point Contest comes up and Stephen Curry is going to do his thing while a bunch of other guys shoot for our entertainment in between his rounds.
Then, the dunk contest, which lacks the star power of the days when Michael Jordan or even Vince Carter suited up. Not that it matters. The judges don't pay attention--they just stand and shout. The winner is determined not by who actually executed the most difficult or most creative dunk, but by 1) who dunks over an official automotive sponsor or 2) who's the shortest.
So even though Kenneth Faried could probably rip a basketball rim off a brick wall, and we've got two former champions (Gerald Green and Jeremy Evans) in the field, I'd like to congratulate Eric Bledsoe in advance for his win. Unless Terrence Ross brings a Kia to jump over or something.
Nate Robinson is the worst.
So mix up a Harvey Wallbanger, nuke Hungryman dinner and plop your butt on the sofa with us. We'll be here all night to talk about Jrue Holiday, how much Iggy was robbed (and Nate Robinson deserves to be set adrift on an ice floe) and other elements of life, the universe and everything.
But mostly how Nate Robinson deserves to be set adrift on an ice floe.