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The Bad Touch: How To Watch These Sixers For A Full Year And Not Die

This season will take years off our lives if we're not careful. I'm here to help.

Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

There will be 82 of these. That's what you have to keep telling yourself. While we've all accepted the Sixers will be bad, most of us have never seen this kind of destruction up close. It's been 40 years since they finished 9-73. There are very few of us who lived through that. Said my father, while stammering back in time to his dark ages, "I couldn't... I couldn't... I had to force myself to not pay attention."

While the Sixers will not philosophically be as hopeless as that Roy Rubin-coached atrocity (they stopped sending newspaper reporters to away games, they just stopped caring entirely), they have a non-zero chance at being just as putrid. A lot of you hung around LB's sandbox during the Eddie Jordan 27-55 year. That was rough. Now imagine them winning a third of the games.

1.) Do not watch every game. I'm begging you. 82 games. 48 minutes per game. 3,936 minutes of game action. About 14,760 minutes if you include stoppages and commercials and Zumoffing. You can't take all that. Don't watch every game. We'll tell you what you missed. It won't be much.

2.) When you do watch the games, try unfocusing your eyes. You're gonna want to avoid staring directly at the game action. Wear sunglasses if you must.

3.) Maybe now isn't the worst time to start sniffing glue.

4.) Once a week, drive your family to a petting zoo and really connect with the animals. They get you.

5.) At the moment when you can take no longer, and refuse to watch more games, cut off your ring finger with a meat cleaver and mail it to Brett Brown via USPS. He deserves it. You can stop watching, he can't.

The Season: Rights to Ricky Sanchez

6.) Don't talk to anyone about the Sixers. If someone tries to engage you in Sixers conversation, give them a Russian Leg Sweep and flee the scene. Talking about it makes it real. Keep it to the comments here. This is a safe space. We're also not real people.

7.) Stay away from sharp objects and heights, lest you have a parachute. Actually, stay away from parachutes too.

8.) Plant a tree in someone else's garden.

9.) Fall in love. Preferably with a human, although love takes many forms and if you feel that connection with your mixing bowl, I say go for it. You'll be able to withstand much more abuse if you're occupied with love tinglies.

10.) Pank. Pank all you want. Pank cuz you got to.

Point is, losing with a purpose makes it all much, much easier to swallow, but if you don't take the necessary precautions with your brain, you may not make it out of this year alive.

Now, that being said, let's play some ball.

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