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Jrue Holiday as NBA MVP


There's been some talk at various tight corners of the internet that Jrue Holiday, Sixers point guard and Fruity Pebbles savant, is a dark horse candidate for league MVP. It's worth talking about, sure. Let's go over the list of things that would have to occur for Jrue to become an MVP candidate.

  • Derrick Rose's ACL explodes, shattering his leg entirely. In the explosion, some ACL shrapnel gets stuck in Joakim Noah's eye and he goes blind.
  • Dwight Howard quits basketball to star in KAZAAM 2. He wins an Oscar. Kobe Bryant co-stars as his sidekick and contends he's still the number one guy. He refuses to be put up for Best Supporting Actor and decides to work exclusively on Bollywood films because he likes the way they dance.
  • Russell Westbrook, James Harden and Kevin Durant play with Serge Ibaka's chemistry set in his basement and, after an accident, the four of them become attached at the knee, elbow, and ear. David Stern rules they can still play, but their half-court sets aren't nearly as effective and Nick Collison leads the Thunder in points.
  • Anthony Davis's unibrow takes over his whole face and he can't see or talk or breathe and he dies in a fire. Eric Gordon watches on.
  • LeBron James trolls everyone by pulling a Barry Sanders and retires as the best basketball player of all time at age 27.
  • Dirk Nowitzki finally misses a fadeaway jumper.
  • Blake Griffin dunks so hard that it hits Chris Paul in the face and gets stuck in there. CP3 goes by Basketballface now but Blake retires due to the tremendous guilt.
  • Nobody signs Allen Iverson.
  • Ben Howland gets hired as coach of the Timberwolves. Ricky Rubio and Kevin Love combine for 4 shots a game.
  • Jerel McNeal somehow fails to live up to his enormous potential.
  • It is revealed that Rajon Rondo is actually just as old as Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett.
  • Dwyane Wade loses the "y" in his name. His game was never the same.
  • Chris Bosh gets traded back to the Raptors and everyone forgets about him.
  • Jeremy Lin fails to make his name just "Jeremy" on the back of his jersey and China loses interest.
  • Mikhail Prokhorov forces Deron Williams to turn Russian and take a villainous role in Taken 3: Back in the Habit.
  • Andrew Bynum gets an anal probe. Doesn't hate it.
  • Nothing happens to Carmelo Anthony or Amar'e Stoudemire. They're just not very good.

So yeah. If all of this happens, I'd say he has a good shot. And then I'd give him his max contract. And then I'd hide in a bomb shelter somewhere because the world is not safe and Mars Attacks! is probably happening by now.

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