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Bye-Bye, Appendages: Spencer Hawes Signs With Sixers, Seriously

I don't want to look either, Spence.
I don't want to look either, Spence.

UPDATE: We did an emergency pod. Here's the link.

All the terrible things we've feared about the Sixers free agency period have been trumped by THE WORST possible re-signing they could make. Woj reports our death in 140 characters. Spencer Hawes will be a Sixer next year. And the year after that. 2 years and $13 million to keep him in Philadelphia.

First, the bad, because we're Philadelphians and the bad always comes first. Spencer is terrible. The stats may say a few things that he's not the worst at, but if you watched any Sixers basketball outside of the first 12 games of last season, you know that he was horrendous at defense, didn't pull down any contested rebounds, and has no toughness or offensive game to speak of. As a starting center, there's simply nothing there. No, he's not the worst player in the world, but what is the point of paying him money to just suck for longer? No point. Zero point. Pointless. Pain and suffering. Fire and brimstone. CAPS LOCK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

On the other hand, it's only 2 years. 2 years is quick. They aren't going to do anything worthwhile in the next two years anyway, so better pay Hawes a smallish contract for 2 years than go after some other bum for longer. That's the best I can come up with. At least this means they won't have money to sign Louis Williams? I don't know. They'll probably do it anyway. Balls.

My July 4th is ruined. Yours probably is too. It feels like an American flag was just shoved up my rectum and out my throat. Just take solace in the two-years-ness of it all and you should be able to refrain from choking out all of your family members today.

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