I woke up butt-naked this morning. I had no idea why, so I immediately checked my phone for clues. After scrolling through 47 Instagram notifications, 12 SPAM e-mails, one drunk A/S/L text from Doug Collins, and 50+ 'FREE BOOSIE' retweets, I realized I had nothing – no evidence as to why I woke up naked.
Cold and confused, I surrendered all hope on figuring out how I ended up in this predicament. Instead, I shifted gears and did what any dedicated NBA Blogger would do – closed my eyes and thought about the Sixers. I seriously asked myself the question, "Could the Sixers win the championship this season?"
My first answer was "No. HELL NO! Even the Sixers and Doug Collins aren't dumb enough to think they can win the championship."
Then, I was like, "Wait, maybe. They just played the Celtics close, twice, winning once. The Heat are going to be without Chris Bosh and looked very mortal against the Pacers. If the Sixers can miraculously make their way to the Finals, they at least have a puncher's chance against a surely exhausted Western Conference team, right?"
Finally, I was like "Oh, em, gee, I almost forgot I installed international spy software in the Sixers locker room two months ago!"
Craig Brackins wanted an XBox 360 installed in his locker in March and Adam Aron obliged cause he responds to all requests. When I got wind of this news, I drove to my nearest Best Buy, tricked the Geek Squad into following me into a dark alley, where I claimed I had bootleg editions of Diablo 3 hidden. They bought it; I beat them up and stole their gear. I showed up at the Wells Fargo Center, pretending to know how to install XBoxs, when I really just wanted to take this opportunity to install a high tech video-monitoring system in the locker room, for moments exactly like these!
We last used this monitoring system to uncover the greatest speech Doug Collins had ever given, which led to a blowout victory over the Celtics, mind you. Excuse me, that was his greatest speech, until now. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears upon watching Doug Collins address his team after Tuesday's practice.
Allow me to reenact.
Doug Collins: Okay guys, listen up. We had a good practice today, and the way things are shaping up in the East, we really have a chance to make the Finals this season. Then, anything can happen!
Andre Iguodala: Coach, you're getting ahead of yourself. The Celtics are a good team, and Doc Rivers coaches the pants off you every night.
Jodie Meeks: Yeah, we shouldn't even play anymore.
Jrue Holiday: We're just delaying the inevitable.
Doug Collins: What about games three, four, five, six and seven?!
Lavoy Allen: Tell David Stern we're too mediocre.
Elton Brand: Liberty Ballers said so!
Evan Turner: Yep.
Lou Williams: Chyeah.
Meeks: Let's have another lockout ...
*Collins bows his head in disappointment, slowly walks toward Allen Iverson's old locker, lethargically sits cross-legged on ground*
Collins: *sigh* There's something you guys should know. I stopped playing basketball in 1980, when I told Billy Cunningham I wasn't even good enough to out-play Lionel Hollins in practice. I never played again.
Nikola Vucevic: Why?
Collins: Cause Lionel Hollins and Andrew Toney both dunked on me. So, I started blogging from the alias 'Skip Bayless', in my mother's basement.
Allen: That's where we belong, with all those losers from Liberty Ballers.
Collins: No you don't. Michael Levin is an idiot. You know how I know you guys are can win the championship? Because I can be a way better coach than Doc Rivers. And Phil Jackson, for that matter!
Holiday: You couldn't coach a pizza into the oven.
Collins: That's not true! Once I coached Lou Williams into hitting a game-winning shot against the Miami Heat ... in the Playoffs!
Iguodala: That was one time ...
Tony Battie: You know one time, during my third NBA season, I blocked the hell out of Wilt Chamberlain's lay-up attempt.
Brand: You blocked The Big Dipper?! He scored 100 in a single game!
Turner: That's nothing! One time I broke my back in the middle of the season, only to come back and hit a buzzer-beater in the Big 10 Tourney, win National Player of the Year and swoop on Mark Titus's girlfriend!
Williams: Mark Titus had a girlfriend?
Spencer Hawes: One time I went to a carnival with Sarah and Bristol Palin. I was the only one who didn't embarrass myself by singing 'She Thinks My Tractors Sexy' after the Bud Light/Apple Pie eating contest.
Iguodala: Who cares, we still suck at basketball. Well, you guys do anyway.
Collins: Hold the phone. Who said anything about playing good basketball? The only reason we're still alive is because I have Voodoo Dolls of every NBA player, and David Stern. And the only reason I coach, is because I'm getting paid, and Adam Aron buys me Taco Bell every day. And you guys ... make 50-plus million a year as a team. One of you even had a million in the bank before a notch on your belt! Don't get me wrong, I still think this team is freakin' atrocious, and the only reason we were .500 is because I'm awesome. However; even if we have a Dumb and Dumber's chance of winning the championship, that still leaves ...
Holiday: One time.
Williams: Boss time.
Iguodala: Yeah, ONE TIME!
One time, guys. Basketball is the most predictable sport on the planet, and the Sixers chancing of beating the Celtics are slim, let alone winning the championship. But all it takes is one time!
Game three tonight. Let's take a 2-1 series lead!