Exclusive: Sixers CEO Adam Aron's High School President Campaign Speech

Earlier today, Spike Eskin acquired a picture of Sixers CEO and Twitter extraordinaire Adam Aron's high school yearbook photo. That's a mighty coincidence because also today, I've managed to procure a copy of the speech Adam made when he ran for class president of Abington High School. Written in structurally perfect cursive, here is the unadulterated speech.

(wait for applause)

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Adam Aron and I'm running for Class President.

(wait for applause)

(don't forget to smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I know what you're thinking: another speech. But this one's different. Why, you ask? Because this is our senior year. We're young. We're exciting. And I'll try hard as heck to make sure this year is the best year of our lives!!!!!!!!

(try to stop sweating, please god)

I saw a film not too long ago that really inspired me. It taught me that you should take what you want and not let anyone get in your way. You should do what you feel is right in your heart and good things will happen. That's why I got this awesome haircut. And now it's my favorite thing ever. The film also taught me to wear minimal clothing and dance with bears. If you guys haven't seen The Jungle Book by now, you've really missed the boat.

(dance like Mowgli)

As class president, I promise to do what's in my heart. I promise to serve you, the people, as you want to be served. Longer lunches! Cookies with more chocolate chips in them! A balance beam on the playground! Less pep rallies for our troops in Vietnam! A new Wawa on Easton Road!

But there's work to be done also. I like to think of our school as a basement. There's plenty of space in the basement, a lot of room to build and develop, but it's all run down with vegetation and infestation and old paddleball games. It's my job to come in and clean it up. Then, when we graduate, I'd sell the basement at twice the price! You know what I mean? This is a big market school. Abington is a thriving area with tons of potential, but the past Class President - I won't name names, but let's just call him Jason Comcast-Spectacor - didn't do all they could with what was provided. I'm here to make sure the school is up to its highest standards. Not quite Abington Friends, but close enough to be in the same conversation! Some say mediocre, I say young and exciting, you guys - let's hear it!!!!!

(wait for applause)

I'll leave you with one more note, friends. I know you think my fellow candidate Helen Massenstein is super hot. And she is. But she uses way too much tongue when she kisses and she's got a weird rash on her upper thigh. I didn't mean to go negative on you, but there it is. As someone who has already made it with her, vote for her at your own risk.

I'm Adam Aron and I'm running for Class President. GO GALLOPING GHOSTS!

Also, per Mac Naismith, here's Adam revving up the house.