Collins Sez: Translations of a Coaching Pariah

Oh yes. Marreese Speights is gone, but his Twitterings will live on forever (in the archives!). And now, we have Doug Collins ready to take up his mantle. Though the Sixers coach does not have a Twitter, I've enlisted the unwilling and unaware Tom Moore from Philly Burbs to leak me all of the things Doug Collins says at all times. Your secret's safe with me, Tom.

On Sam Young: "He’s got toughness, size, experience – all the things we’re looking for down the stretch."

When I was giving my traditional opposing team pre-game massages to the Grizzlies a few months ago, I noticed Sam Young has tremendous back muscles. I rubbed them a lot and they felt big. It was chalky so I moisturized for him. I even pinched him one time and he didn't cry at all. He's also been in the NBA for three years, which makes him better than someone who has been in the league for two years.

"I don’t think people know what I put into trying to not only change the culture but everything that goes with it."

You guys have no idea how long I spent at Peddler's Village looking for antiques and crap to hang around the wall. It's more expensive than you'd think! But I definitely agree that the older something is, the more you should have to pay for it.

"We're not pretty. We're not going to win any games on style points."

Except Jrue. He's adorable.

"I remember reading The Scarlet Letter when I was in high school (with) Hester Prynne walking around with the scarlet ‘A.’ I said as a coach, it’s a scarlet ‘L’ — you’re walking around like ‘Loser’ written on your chest. It tugs at your very soul."

I liken myself to a young Arthur Dimmesdale, but Easy A was a good movie too.

"I’d like us to bring our energy and connectedness and the things we bring defensively to the offensive end."

I want to start playing defense as offense. That way when we take long jumpers, I can congratulate us for forcing a bad shot! Also sometimes we hold hands and watch episodes of Gullah Gullah Island.

'It's tough to win when you start out (0-for-14). Our first quarter was atrocious.'

SOMEBODY PASS THE BALL TO LOU WHY AREN'T YOU PASSING IT TO LO-- SHOOT IT LOU! SHOOT IT! NOW! DON'T WASTE TIME COME ON THERE'S ONLY 18 SECONDS LEFT ON THE SHOT CL-- oh thank god.

"It wasn’t a meeting. It’s more of classroom where you get in and show some tape."

It wasn't a dream. It really happened.

"Jodie Meeks is only guy on team who cuts hard on every offensive play."

We don't discriminate on the Sixers. Tony Battie has terribly crusty feet, Spencer Hawes blasts Ace of Base at his locker, and Andre Iguodala insists we all call him "A" on account of his niece getting him the first season of Pretty Little Liars on DVD. If Jodie has bad gas, we won't fault him for it.

Collins pats Vucevic on hand after getting on him to be more aggressive.

I still have no idea how to pronounce his name.

Stay tuned 'til next time! Hopefully we'll have a few more nuggets about Lou as the closer or maybe how Andre Iguodala's muscles look from the back.