Bizarre title aside, the Sixers took care of business tonight against a streaking Hawks team that, just last week, beat the Milwaukee Bucks. And since the Bucks beat the Heat, I can safely say that by the Transitive Property of Victory, the Sixers are the best team of all time. Print it.
Because this is possibly the millionth time the Sixers have won by this formula, I'm going to completely ravage the archives of our significantly more talented Phillies brethren at The Good Phight and show you the Sixers Game Recap Template the four of us use here at Liberty Ballers. See below and here's hoping the lawyers at TGP don't sue us for copyright infringement.
The Sixers took care of business again this evening against [OPPOSING TEAM] behind a strong showing from [NIGHT SHIFT MEMBER] and despite a poor shooting night from [NOT ANDRE IGUODALA IT'S NEVER HIS FAULT]. The Sixers were led in scoring by Louis Williams who tallied [INTEGER >/= 14] points on [INTEGER >/= 14] shots. [INSERT SOMETHING OFFENSIVE ABOUT LOUIS WILLIAMS AND/OR HIS RAP CAREER].
NBA experts are still slightly down on the Sixers after the [OPPOSING TEAM] were without [STAR PLAYER] due to a [SEASON-ENDING INJURY THAT ISN'T AFFECTING THEIR SUCCESS]. The Sixers themselves were without [PLAYER WITH HEIGHT >/= 6'8] who was replaced in the lineup by [LOW-UPSIDE FORWARD/CENTER PLAYING ABOVE TALENT LEVEL].
Turnovers were again not an issue as the Sixers managed to cough it up just [INTEGER </= 9] times while notching [INTEGER >/= 20] assists. [REFERENCE OBSCURE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT QUOTE] The wing defense was on par as usual, holding the [OPPOSING TEAM] to [INTEGER </= 33.33333333]% from beyond the arc. Rebounding was a problem again, but thankfully the combined efforts of [SUBSTANTIALLY PAID NON SUPERSTAR] and [BUST] scooped up the bulk of the defensive boards.
Strangely, Doug Collins decided to leave Evan Turner on the bench for the bulk of the [3RD/4TH] quarter, despite carrying the team during previous stretches of the game. [INSERT QUESTION AS TO WHETHER TURNER IS IN COLLINS' DOG HOUSE]. Jrue Holiday stayed away from the free throw line like he was allergic to it, managing just [INTEGER = 0] free throws on the night. He'll need to attack the basket more if this team hopes to make it deeper into the playoffs.
For the [OPPOSING TEAM], an out-of-nowhere performance by [WORTHLESS PLAYER HAVING A CAREER GAME] kept them close until finally, Louis Williams sealed the game with an [IMPROBABLY MADE SHOT, TYPICALLY OFF ONE FOOT]. Collins was quoted afterwards as saying: "[INSERT OPTIMISTIC BUT SELF-AWARE QUOTE] and Lavoy Allen was just a beast tonight, I love what I'm seeing from him. Also, [SOMETHING ABOUT NEEDING A CLOSER]."
Hopefully, the Sixers will be able to prove the nay-sayers wrong in two days when they face off against [SLUMPING TEAM THAT WILL NOT VALIDATE OPINIONS THAT SIXERS ARE LEGITIMATE]. See you then!
[POOP JOKE]