Liberty Ballers has exclusively obtained the conversation between Philadelphia 76ers guard Louis Williams and the man who tried to rob him at gunpoint on Christmas Eve in Manayunk. This conversation, recorded on Yak Bak, required the most down-and-dirty journalism and investigative reporting this blog has ever seen. There's some things we're not proud of. But through the combined efforts of Messrs. Sams, Steidel, Bodner, and myself, we have the entire transcript below.
Be warned: what you are about to read is shocking and, we assure you, completely accurate. I stake my credibility on it. Proceed at your own risk.
The car pulls to a stop. Lou in the driver's seat, taps innocently on his dashboard and pulls out his cell phone. A cat meows in the distance.
Suddenly, a knock on the driver's side window. Lou turns to see the shadow of a man and a noticeable glint of a gun in his hand.
Robber: Open the window.
Lou calmly puts his phone down and lowers the window.
Lou: Can I help you?
Robber: Yeah, you can gimme what you got before I shove this gun down your throat.
Lou: Are you sure you want to do this? It's Christmas Eve.
The Robber snaps back at him.
Robber: I know it's Christmas Eve, you think I don't know that?
The Robber looks around nervously, tugs at his long beard, which Lou has just noticed. The Robber still lingers in shadow.
Robber: Come on, I'm getting impatient.
Lou: Alright, alright.
Lou begins assembling his money, jewelry, and sticks of Big Red gum.
Robber: Leave the Big Red!
Lou: You sure?
Robber: Yeah the stuff makes my throat itch. And I'm red enough already.
Lou: Your loss.
The pile is almost ready for the Robber.
Lou: What are your plans for this evening?
Robber: I...I'm busy.
Lou: Busy? On Christmas Eve?
Robber: It's my busy season.
Robber: Hurry it up, hurry it up.
Lou finally hands over the cash and jewelry to the Robber. As he gives it to him, Lou spots fuzzy red sleeves on his shirt. Suddenly, in the exchange, Lou grabs him by the shirt and pulls him close, allowing both to finally get a look at the other's face.
Robber: LOUIS WILLIAMS?!
Both stare at each other, aghast. Time stops as their minds work overtime to figure out their next move. Lou finally breaks the silence.
Lou: What the hell, dude?
Santa: I- I didn't realize it was you.
Lou: Who cares if it was me! What are you doing robbing people on Christmas?
Santa: Keep your voice down, jeez. Business has been, ya know, hard this year. The recession and all.
Lou: I don't know what you mean.
Santa: Well for us working folk, it's been rough. We had to let a bunch of elves go during the merger. I'm even short a few reindeer because we ate them for Thanksgiving.
Lou: Woah....Well. I make about $6 million a season -
Santa: (interrupting) Right, you made your first million before you ever got laid, I got your CD last Christmas.
Lou: Thanks man....Well heck, since it's Christmas, why don't you hop in and I'll buy you some McDonalds.
Santa: You mean it?!
Lou: Sure Santa!
Santa: Christmas is saved!
Santa hops in. Lou and Santa smile at each other. Santa returns the money and jewelry to Lou. As he does, Lou grabs the gun from Santa and shoots him right in the face. Santa slumps over in the passenger seat, dead. Blood all over his jolly red coat.
Lou: Merry Christmas to all, and to all....a good night.
Lou reaches over him, opens the passenger door and kicks Santa out onto the street. He drives away whistling.
And that's how Lou Williams saved Christmas.