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Misplaced Outrage at the Sixers Not Scheduled on Christmas

Oh really, NBA? You're not going to put the Sixers on National TV on Christmas? I am outraged. Beyond outraged. My outrage has become inrage and I'm inraging all over the country. Let me learn you a few things about the Sixers.

Do you know how steeped in Christmas lore the Sixers are? Well there's 12 days of Christmas. Half of that is 6. Sixers. Duh. Secondly, the Sixers just killed off their rabbit mascot. Rabbits are typically saved for Easter, which is like Christmas's cousin. You can't do us like that, NBA. If you're secretly being backed by PETA, I don't even want to know what you're going to do to the Suns when they get rid of their Gorilla.

Also, Santa Claus is fat. You know who else is fat? Derrick Coleman. How many seasons did DC play for the Sixers? 6. Half of the days of Christmas, and the number the Sixers were named after. Traditionally, you leave milk and cookies for Santa to eat. Where was milk and cookies invented? Philadelphia. And (obvious h/t to PhiladelphiaEagles) Jrue Holiday. HOLIDAY. HOLIDAY!?!?! COME ON.

You're saying that the Sixers shouldn't play in primetime? Andre Iguodala isn't a primetime player? Elton Brand doesn't draw a crowd? Spencer Hawes isn't a household name yet? Marreese Speights isn't the most electrifying player in the league? Nicola Vucevic isn't frontrunner for Rookie of the Year? Louis Williams isn't the man to beat in the MVP race? The answer to all of your theoretical questions are WRONG, NBA.

NBA, I am outraged that you would decide to show teams like the Lakers, Knicks, Celtics, and Bulls over the Sixers. The Nation wants to see Craig Brackins play basketball. And they want to see it on Christmas, while they're opening presents and cajoling with Santa by the fire. Kobe Bryant, Derrick Rose, Carmelo Anthony, Amare Stoudemire, Kevin Garnett, Rajon Rondo - these names don't matter anymore. They're so pre-Lockout. Nobody wants to see LeBron James and Dwyane Wade against Dirk Nowitzki. Have fun with those ratings, jerks.

Don't pretend like this isn't some big conspiracy to make clam chowder and sushi a more powerful food than cheese steaks, pretzels, and Tastycakes. The Sixers are America's Team. And depriving them of their Sixers on the day when the world is aching to watch is akin to terrorism. And terrorism is bad.


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