clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The Sixers' New Arch Nemesis: Terra Nova

New, comments
Villanova?
Villanova?

For all of the problems I have with FOX News, I generally enjoy their programming compared to the other major networks. It ranks up there with NBC in watchability with their occasionally terrific animated slates, the ghosts of Arrested Development's past, and The New Girl, which is the best new show of the fall season. In an era of mostly excruciating, America-pleasing dreck on networks that aren't HBO, Showtime, or AMC, FOX is passable. We had no scripted beef.

But that was until they villainized my Sixers.

Their hypealicious new show with a pilot budget tickling the feet of Boardwalk Empire debuted last week, and Terra Nova brought with it a few unexpected surprises to this here viewer. The least of which was that the husband-and-wife leads had less chemistry than AMC does on nights when Breaking Bad doesn't air, and same goes for the Angsty McAngsterface son with abandonment issues. What I did not expect was for the villains of the show to be from the group of people who made the sixth pilgrimage to Terra Nova, or, in short, Sixers.

My God.

It's been a while since the Sixers had a good rival, and it seems like Terra Nova has declared itself one. Nathan, the first dude ever on the alternate universe of Terra Nova and the Old N' Musculary (TM) cranky tree-hater from Avatar, fears that these "Sixers" were sent from the future to usurp his seat at the top of his dinosaur throne (not this). Is that right, Nathan? Well, a quick look at actor Stephen Lang's IMDB page confirms my hopeful suspicions that he hails from a little town called New York City, located in a little state called New York, where a little team called the New York Knickerbockers call home.

It's pretty clear to me that the New York Knicks are producing Terra Nova with Eddy Curry's old salary in order to get the league to contract the Philadelphia 76ers to be New York's second team. I telepathically consulted Knicks enthusiast and ferret lover Seth Rosenthal of the internet website Posting & Toasting with this information and here's what he said:

I don't watch television. Give me back my soup.

Any ignoramus would be able to tell that through Stephen Lang's muscle acting (flexing his muscles instead of dramatically portraying a character), he has been inhabited by the mind of James Nolan and is now doing his bidding, Barty Crouch style. This is all a ploy to get Jrue Holiday on the Knicks, I'm sure of it.

I urge you to all avoid Terra Nova at all costs for these reasons and also because the Toney Douglas dinosaur is scary as hell. Keep hope alive. Go Sixers. For the love of God, Go Sixers.