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VIDEO: David Stern Brings Chainsaw to Labor Negotiations, Shows Off 42-inch Vertical

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I'm quadruple-dipping since I already posted this on SB Nation Philly, New York and Boston, but it was too much of a gem not to post on my favorite website of all-time. Also, I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still alive and that Tanner, Michael, Derek and myself still get together every Wednesday night in our Jrue Holiday shirsey-onesies, discuss our top 10 naps of all time and watch old school Allen Iverson crossover mixes until we all fall asleep in the same sleeping bag. We'll get through this lockout, you guys! New ownership, young players, Elton Brand's contract slowly coming off the books. We're in good shape! Love you guys! And remember, don't bring a machete to a chainsaw fight!

/endlovefest

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I've read hundreds of articles, blog posts and tweets trying to explain the Lockout, and even written a few myself. But it wasn't until I stumbled across this video by Taiwan's Next Media Animation that I fully understood what was going on. It all makes sense now. Here's what I learned from the 90 second video:

  • Goaltending rules do not apply to David Stern.
  • White men can't jump ... unless they're David Stern.
  • LeBron takes the "King James" mantra seriously, and wears a crown 24/7, even while cooking pizza with Derek Fisher
  • David Stern handles a chainsaw better than you'd expect.
  • Speaking of, someone needs to tell Derek Fisher that he brought a machete to a chainsaw fight.
  • When the Pistons eventually get contracted David Stern will weep like Rocky after Micky died in Rocky III.
  • Time Warner Cable is a woman.
  • LeBron's game doesn't translate in Taiwan. 
  • "LONG LIVE THE LOCKOUT!"

Make the jump to watch the entire video.

NBA lockout spoils start of 2011 season (via NMAWorldEdition)

(H/T NESN)