Sobriety has rendered this team ineffective for nine long years since the 2001 NBA Finals. To quote my former mentor Albert Einstein, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I am here to rectify this past decade of insanity.
This will not be your everyman's drinking game. This is reserved for an elite class of basketball fans slash alcohol enthusiasts with a taste for over-indulgence and a lust for unmitigated embarrassment. To proceed, make sure you have the following on your person before you hit the jump:
- Three handles of Banker's Club Vodka: The finest hangover the loose change in your sofa can buy.
- One 30-rack of Bud Light and one 30-rack of Budweiser. Pour every can individually into a bathtub (first put the thing on the drain!) to create Budlightweiser 75%.
- Your first-born daughter. If you do not have a daughter, impregnate the first woman you see and wait nine months to proceed. For safety's sake, impregnate a few women in case the first one produces a son. If you have leftover daughters, keep refrigerated for later use.
- A contact list of every person you would not show your exposed genitalia to. E-mail is acceptable. Fax is not.
- Your favorite picture of Tyrone Hill posing next to P.J. Brown. For reference, here's mine.
- The director's cut of Maid in Manhattan. Do not ask questions.
- An unwavering resolve.
Take a deep breath and hit the jump for your official 2010 Philadelphia 76ers Drinking Game rules.
It's very important to come into the game with a healthy buzz going. If you start thinking too much about the reason for each rule, you'll lose sight of the most important thing: proving that logic and drinking have no business near each other. Get out of your head, just trust Mr. Manager (just Manager) to do his thing.
Rule #1: Chug a beer every time Andre Iguodala takes an off-balance jump shot.
Rule #2: Verbally abuse your daughter for each minute Tony Battie is on the court.
Rule #3: Survey the stands and do a shot for each fan with a sign on posterboard. If the sign is an acronym for ESPN (Elizabethtown Screams Por Nuggets) or TNT (Total Non-stop Thunder), do another shot. This won't be a problem for Sixers games, which are allergic to national television.
Rule #4: Do a shot for every time someone in the game thread says the word "Bust."
Rule #5: Watch Maid in Manhattan on 32X fast forward during halftime. You should get through most of it before the third quarter starts, but if you have to miss a few minutes of game action, go for it. Jennifer Lopez is spell-binding and we'll catch you up on what you missed.
Rule #6: Shotgun two beers for every time Jason Kapono steps inside the three-point line.
Rule #7: Take a shot each instance Marc Zumoff says any of the following phrases:
- "Fingertip control"
- "Man's rebound"
- "On the see-saw"
- "Bump and run"
- "Locking all windows and doors"
- Also any time his head pops out of a cake with a microphone
Rule #8: Sip a beer like a philosopher deep in thought every time Sonny Weems or Joey Graham have career games against us.
Rule #9: Between the third and fourth quarters, watch the clip of Devin Harris hitting the game-winning shot from beyond half court to beat the Sixers in February of last season, then do a shot for every time you have to re-watch it to see that the clock should have started about 0.3 seconds earlier.
Rule #10: Funnel three beers every time you catch yourself thinking the Sixers have a chance to win.
Rule #11: Call your boss and tell him how you really feel. If you're unemployed, call your mother-in-law. If you're unemployed and single, you are either a child and exempt from this rule, or you should call your local government and complain about jobs and the lack of willing women in your neighborhood.
Rule #12: Smash your picture of Tyrone Hill and P.J. Brown, but make it seem like an accident because they really didn't do anything wrong. Do a shot in their honor.
Rule #13: Finish the bottle any time an analyst mentions "killer instinct."
Rule #14: Basketball sense, seriously.
Rule #15: Search "Liberty Ballers" on google images and do a shot each time you see a picture of Robert Pattinson or Booker T.
Rule #16: Chug a beer each time you find a way to trade both Elton Brand and Andre Iguodala in Trade Machine.
Rule #17: Have your daughter/infant go to the corner store and get you another handle of Banker's Club because you are undoubtedly finished with your first three. Let her take a shot out of generosity and equal opportunity drinking games. It doesn't matter how old she is, it's time for her to start drinking.
Rule #18: For the last three minutes of the game, take a bath in the beer bathtub. Take your television into the bathroom with you so you can watch, but DO NOT bring the TV into the bathtub, I don't care how careful you're being. You're 18 rules deep and should not be handling electronics in beer water. Use a straw to sip the beer out around you. By the time the time outs and free throws stretch the 4th quarter to it's end, you should be sprawled out in an empty tub.
Rule #19: Once the Sixers lose, do a shot for every bullet point Tanner, Jordan, Derek, or myself includes in the recap. Then shake your head in disappointment at our laziness.
Rule #20: Before you go to bed, do a shot for each Liberty Ballers shirt you don't have, then buy all of them for you and your family for the holidays.
** Disclaimer: Don't do any of this. If you do, please don't file a lawsuit because I have no money to give you. The most you'll get is a few boxes of ramen. If you want an actual drinking game, Rule 7 will suffice. Thanks, Mike. **
Add any rules of your own in the comments and I'll add the good ones to this post. On the next (first) Liberty Ballers Night at Tanner's house (date TBD), we'll give this a go. Derek's got multiple copies of Maid in Manhattan, so we should be covered.
If this doesn't make the Sixers a title contender, frankly, I don't know what will. #missionBJ, ya'll.
Major h/t goes to Tron79 for the idea. Thank/Blame him for this.