Liberty Ballers: All Posts by Michael Baumann

You've Got Sixers Email, Vol. 5: Kelvin Sampson and Player Comps

2013-05-20T23:52:37Z

Michael Baumann
For all the crap we went through this season, I sure am glad I didn't have to see the Sixers yak away a critical playoff game by playing Derek Fisher.

Michael Levin
When Derek Fisher plays 26 minutes, we all lose.

Michael Levin
I'm on my way to play basketball in Hollywood. Which Sixer should I model my game after tonight? As Dave and Tanner know, i always go in telling myself not to shoot at all. That ends quickly.

Michael Baumann
I never shot when I played pickup regularly. I always had a good handle, went hard after rebounds and always found the open man. I was kind of like Evan Turner with better court vision. Of course, that was several years and several dozen pounds ago, so right now I'm probably more like a latter-day Corliss Williamson. As long as you can top that, I don't think you'll have a problem.

Justin F.
Seeing as you have the height to pull it off, I would recommend you model your game after Spencer Hawes.

Roy Burton
You seem like a Lou Williams-type of guy, Levin. You want to do the right thing and play the team game, but after that first open look, it all goes downhill.
I've always patterned my game after Reggie Evans: Set screens, grab boards, play tough D. Basically everything that Kwame Brown was supposed to do here.

Rich Hoffmann
I played tonight. Shot the three-ball like George Lynch.

Tanner Steidel
David Lee without a doubt. The True Hoop gang has seen the wrath of D-Leecious.
The couple playing badminton across from us certainly enjoyed it.

Derek Bodner
I always thought I played like a 6'2" version of Matt Harpring. I could occasionally make a shot, but not consistently. Not the greatest athlete and my handles were lolworthy in traffic, but I'd play hard and physical.
Those who can't, write.

Dave Rueter
My heart says Steve Nash. My head says John Crotty.

Sean O'Connor
I came to the realization a while ago that mine resembled a more out-of-shape Spencer Hawes, and I've hated myself ever since. I like to say it's like Brad Miller's, though, because he was actually cool and good.

Michael Baumann
Brad Miller was the absolute tits.

Brandon Lee
I've always thought of myself as the white Ben Wallace.

Michael Levin
Tonight's Verdict: Jerryd Bayless on a bad night. Won 3 of 5 games.

Justin F.
You said former Sixer. Jerryd Bayless is not a former Sixer.
Actually, you just said "Sixer." But still, Jerryd Bayless has no ties with the Sixers.

Michael Levin
HE'S A SIXER IN MY HEART.
Sixers-era Speedy Claxton then.

Dave Rueter
Roy and I only refer to Claxton as Craig. Roy, tell the man.

Roy Burton
I think we can find some middle ground, Dave. On first reference, it must be Craig "Speedy" Claxton (per the rules of the AP stylebook). HOWEVER, any subsequent references can use EITHER Craig or Speedy.

Michael Levin
Well I was playing like Speedy, not Craig. Backboard had no give. All my English just fell by the wayside.

Michael Baumann
The Sixers want to talk to Kelvin Sampson. Can Sampson get them lifted?
And yes, that joke is still funny to me no matter how many times I use it.

Sean O'Connor
It's not surprising given the Houston link, certainly. And I'm a fan of giving Sampson the reins and the same instructions he had in Houston. Not sure if that's a good tanking strategy, but given Houston's track record while Hinkie was there I think tanking is unlikely.

Michael Baumann
This calls for a running feature about Sampson texting various Sixers.

Sean O'Connor
Is it the sequel to Doug giving everyone note cards last year? Because that would be an awesome series.

Dave Reuter
I saw the "Sampson" subject of another email from Mike, and was like, "Ralph is a coach?"

Michael Levin
Ralph's is the name of a grocery store chain on the west coast (maybe just LA?) and I just assume Sampson or Macchio deserve the bulk of the credit.

Justin F.
Is this getting published?

Michael Baumann
Oh, crap, it's already Monday....

Edit: To recap the Liberty Ballers NBA Player comps:

Michael Levin: Jerryd Bayless
Michael Baumann: Corliss Williamson
Roy Burton: Reggie Evans
Rich Hoffmann: George Lynch
Derek Bodner: Matt Harpring
Dave Rueter: Jon Crotty
Sean O'Connor: Brad Miller
Brandon Lee: Ben Wallace
Tanner Steidel: David Lee
Justin F.: A coward who does not compare himself to NBA players.

Nick Young Accused of Date Rape

2013-05-15T02:37:29Z

A woman is suing Nick Young in Los Angeles Superior Court, accusing the Sixers guard of raping her in August 2011. The full report is available at CBS Los Angeles.

The unnamed woman claims that she knew Young before meeting him in a West Hollywood nightclub, where, according to the lawsuit, Young approached her and her friend and offered them drinks. The lawsuit goes on to say that Young used the date rape drug GHB on the woman and had sex with her without her consent.

There are no criminal charges being filed (yet, and that we're aware of), but the lawsuit seeks financial damages for sexual battery, false imprisonment and a litany of other acts that, if the allegations are true, add up to rape.

The facts are still coming out, so it's unclear whether Young actually did what he's accused of having done, or not, or if he only did some of those things. This is only tangentially a basketball story, so the potential basketball implications can be left to another time. Until then, we'll try to keep you up to speed if and when more details emerge.

You've Got Sixers Email, Vol. 4: Lucy is Dead. Long Live Sam Hinkie

2013-05-11T18:50:56Z

Michael Levin
I am definitely going to Vegas the second weekend, if that has any bearing on your decision, which it should, jerks. Summer League rocks, you should all go.

Brandon Lee
Still waiting on the Eagles to say when TC starts.

Michael Levin
Sixers won 34 games this year. Eagles won 4. Sixers > Eagles, Brandon.

Brandon Lee
That's actually a really good point.

Derek Bodner
Really? 34 games? Can you double check that? I must have slept a lot this year. Sure feels like it was less.

Sean O'Connor
It was supposed to be, but then Damien Wilkins killed Lucy and buried her body on a sacred burial ground so as to upset the great basketball gods and give us ten more wins.

Roy Burton
They got HOT down the stretch, winning 11 of their last 20. If you project that out over 82, that's 44-45 wins, which is basically the Bulls' record this season. And that was without He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.

Doug Collins: Coach of the Year / Man of The Year.

Justin F.
Why did Lucy forsake us like that?

Michael Baumann
So I saw a turkey in the woods behind my apartment yesterday. Might have to move.

Speaking of vicious, nasty awkward birds, what do y'all make of Evan Turner's supposed coach kingmaker role? I think it's a courtesy, but that they asked him as well as Jrue suggests that they still view him as a potential standard-bearer.

Derek Bodner
Not sure I'd say that. I think Thad is #2 in the pecking order.

Michael Baumann
Yeah, but my turkey metaphor...so who is steering the ship?

Michael Baumann
Apparently Sam Hinkie. Is anyone else relieved they got a GM before a coach?

Derek Bodner
I think it was crucial to get a good GM. That's what I'm pumped about

Tanner Steidel
Mike's so excited that he's joined in on the neighboring sex tent. Screams of Hinskie ringing from the hills of Napa. Are there hills in Napa?

Michael Baumann
Anyone else worried by the J.P. Ricciardi precedent? Getting the hot AGM from the reputed leader in analytics doesn't always work. Or maybe I should shut up and appreciate what looks like a good hire.

Justin F.
We finally have something to talk about in this e-mail thread. Yay!

I love the Hinkie hire. I love the thought-process that goes behind such a decision, I love Hinkie's background, and I love that people (namely Zach Lowe) who are much more familiar with him than I will ever be giving great praise to this hire. Love it. I pat Josh Harris and Adam Aron on the back and say "Good job, Sixers."

Dave Reuter
We'll give Hinkie three years, Mike B. If it doesn't work, we'll bring in Ed Wade.

Derek Bodner
This. This, this, this, and this.

Seriously, the only 2 times I've been this excited about a move in the past 10 years has been when we got the #2 overall pick and when we traded for Andrew Bynum.

Shit.

But no, seriously, I love this very much. The EXACT type of candidate I wanted them to pursue. The exact right mindset.

Brandon Lee
omg

"I'm probably pretty boring to watch a game with because I''m all about expected values. I don''t even care if it goes in or not, I'm all about, '‘Should it go in?'' I can live with randomness. I mean, if it''s a close game in the end, yeah, I''m just like anyone else. But I just want us to play the odds all the time."

Sean O'Connor
I want to put a ring on this quote. Complete 180 from what last year's roster and decision-makers would produce given the same question, and I love it.

Michael Baumann
I'm not letting myself get sucked in. This is going to get totally buggered and we're all going to suffer immensely. Because that's how it works for Sixers fans.

Michael Levin
YOU GUYS

Michael Baumann
Aren't you supposed to be at some sort of key party out in the woods?

Dave Reuter
I'm just glad we finally grabbed talent from a smart team. As riveting as the Nets/Sixers barter arrangement has been for the past two decades, it was time to grow up, Peter Pan.

Michael Baumann
So what kind of coach does this wonderful hunk of man go after?

Dave Reuter
Maybe Hinkie will seduce Brad Stevens and turn this blog on its ear.

You've Got Sixers Email Vol. 3: Andrew Bynum's Flamenco Dancing

2013-05-04T20:00:05Z

Sean O'Connor

It seems as if Andrew Bynum is at least healthy enough to travel in the post, after seeing him get his Flamenco on. So I have two questions:

1.) Where does the dance rank among things that have happened in the Andrew Bynum saga?

2.) Do you agree with Levin's assessment that the Sixers should bring Bynum back, even after all this?

Michael Levin

1. Below bowling, above him practicing and not playing again.

2. I don't even know if I agree with Levin's assessment that they should bring him back.

Tanner Steidel

I can't agree/disagree with anything Mike wrote about Bynum in that article because he claims a version of Mike was out of meat. Mike would never be out of meat. Mike is meat.

Justin F.

Perhaps I am numb to everything, but the flamenco dancing barely registers with me. If this was literally any other athlete, it'd get a simple blurb on Crossing Broad, way too many page views from the Least Common Denominator portion of the Philly fanbase, and be forgotten about the next day when CSN cameras catch an innocent and unexpecting woman in a nip slip. This only is a big deal because it's Bynum and it's 2012-13. At the same token, though, much was made of Mike Richards's and Jeff Carter's partying, and they were always active and healthy hockey players, so perhaps I am mistaken.

My answer to the second question is in parts. If the Sixers are willing to for real tank over the long term and build a team that way, then they should not re-sign Bynum. But if not re-signing Bynum means the alternative is Josh Smith/Al Jefferson and the return of mediocrity, then the Sixers can't not try to re-sign Bynum. As awful as it may seem, the Sixers need Bynum, Sixers fans need the hope someone like Bynum represents, and Andrew Bynum needs someone to believe in him. I loved Irish07's comment in Levin's Toot It or Boot It post. Even if the Sixers bring back Bynum on a 3-year deal and disaster strikes again to Bynum's knees, the end result of suckage is far better than being an 8-seeded sacrificial lamb for years to come. Come to think of it, Bynum re-signing and disaster striking might be an accidentally efficient way to ensure for-real tanking provided the Sixers don't go the lipstick-on-a-pig route they went on at the end of this year.

I'm rambling now so I'll just end with this e-mail with my assertion that Nihilistic Mike and I would become fast friends should we ever meet.

Brandon Lee

1) I'm not sure where it ranks. I didn't even understand it at first. All I see is this guy dancing. Oh, wait, that's Andrew Bynum? Are you sure? Well, yeah, it does look like him. That makes sense. But, wait, why, how? What? Why... is this? I can't... What? What. Wut. Wat? I wasn't even angry. I really just don't care what Bynum does off the court. At the same time it's bizarrely hilarious and depressing. Thinking on it more, it's clear to me now why he did it. If there was only one way to truly understand comprehend the abonimation that was the 2012-2013 Sixers season... it would be through interpretive dance. And that's exactly what happened in that video. Bless you, Andrew, you're a Godsend.

2) Sure, I do think they should bring Bynum back. I'll admit that I think there's a decent chance it wouldn't end well... but what's the alternative? If they want to contend any time soon, Bynum is the guy to help them do that. If they don't want to contend and will commit to a rebuild, fine, you can leave Bynum out of the plans. I don't think the rebuild model is something the ownership will get behind though.

It's so easy to say "get rid of Bynum". Too easy. So many people dislike him for how the nightmare season went. Fine. I get it. What's not easy though is to say what their plan is after that. Some are so quick to say "get rid of Bynum" but so slow to propose any kind of realistic plan, outside of a full rebuild (which a number of people are not OK with as it means patience and tanking), to get this team into championship contention.

Michael Levin

I think there may be a middle ground between Bynum and Mediocracy though. Like, before the Bynum trade, we could not have foreseen a Bynum trade. So who's to say the Sixers can't eek out a similar trade? Well they don't have the assets that they moved for Bynum, or ones similar to what Houston gave up for Harden, but with some shrewdness, there's a chance they could after this season.

It still basically requires being bad in 2013-14 -- something that's fairly likely anyway -- but not the extended tanking we're talking about when we say a true rebuild. I'm all about getting a superstar in the draft, obviously, but Harden and Bynum were both semi-stars at earlyish stages of their career acquired via trade. It's not as out of the realm of possibility as people (and sometimes, I) make it out to be.

Brandon Lee

Who do you think "could" be available that would fit that bill? I'm honestly asking because I'm not sure.

Derek Bodner

Agreed. We have this notion that we didn't get our return on Andrew, he should spend 100% of his time either in the gym rehabbing or resting. Anything else is wrong.

Really, it's an issue because:
- He hurt himself once on a non-basketball related activity already. If he hearts himself training, nobody cares if he went bowling once or twice during his rehab
- We got nothing out of him.

It's also very much a case of Andrew Bynum's reputation following him. He has a reputation of not working hard and for basketball not being all that important to him. If he's out partying, when he didn't play a minute for the Sixers, fans are going to make a big deal of it. Is it fair to expect him to not have a life outside of the gym and rehab? Probably not. But the reaction is predictable.

Where does the dance rank? Very low. It's the offseason. He's allowed to dance.

Do I agree that the Sixers should bring Bynum back? It all depends on the details.

We always talk about contention here. True contention. Bynum is one of the few paths we have towards that. We're not getting there through free agency or the draft this year. To disregard that would be irresponsible. But I'm not hitching my wagon to 4-5 years of Andrew Bynum, either. 1 year is a slam dunk. 2 years is (probably, I reserve the right to change my opinion) worth the risk for me. 3 is something I would have to consider.

I just wish people would look at the outcome of the Bynum situation and acknowledge the risk that is inherent in that approach and stop acting like the draft is the only method of building a team that was risky and not a sure thing.

Rich Hoffman

I do like that Bynum has sort of taken his dancing to the underground. With moves like that, at least he's not on Dancing with the Stars? Right? Right?

Brandon Lee

I guess my problem with these examples is that I feel they were special situations. You're not always going to have these kind of talents available. Bynum became available because the Lakers wanted to acquire what they deemed was an even better talent in Howard. Then there's the fact Bynum had baggage: seemingly concerns about his attitude, and his knee injuries.
Harden was traded (correct me if I'm wrong here) because it would have been tough for OKC to pay him. In a league where there is a dearth of talent, how often do many teams have a problem where they have *too much* talent?

Then, as Mike pointed out, there's the fact these teams had assets that the Sixers don't.

I don't doubt the trade method is a way to acquire talent, but I question how viable it is for this team moving forward.

Rich Hoffman

I don't think trading for a player of Bynum of Harden's caliber is possible at this time, not unless Jrue is a part of the package, and even then most likely not. The Sixers' only two assets of any real value are Jrue and Thad. There have been a lot of good arguments for keeping Bynum around, ones is respect, but I just can't get on board with those knees. I'm more willing to take the risk of landing a young, healthy, impact player in the Top 5 of next year's draft.

Michael Levin

Eric Gordon, just off the top of my head.

Dave Rueter

I'm amazed that some of you guys are still advocating bringing back Bynum. You all are gluttons. It's like getting dumped by a girl, but then continuing to pay her cell phone bill.

I have no alternative plan other than sucking for the next three or thirty years. And is there really that big a difference between the Ryan Howard contract and offering a big man with bad knees four years? Like Ryan Howard, you're paying Bynum because of past performance. Bum knees are bum knees. Bynum's knees don't care he's still in his mid 20s.

"Said his body too old for working. Say his body too young to be looking like him." - Tracy Chapman

Justin F.

If the Sixers are committed to sucking and landing a top 5 pick in next year's draft, then I am fine with not bringing Bynum back. The issue I have is I can't see Sixers management thinking that way. If they don't bring Bynum back, I believe they are more likely to get Josh Smith and be mediocre again then tank and build through the draft.

Roy Burton

At the risk of sounding like the proverbial broken record, I'll just say that I agree with several points made on both sides. Despite our differences, I think we all can agree that the Sixers SHOULD employ one of the following two strategies:

1) Sign Bynum to a short-term deal (ideally 1-2 years): If the Good Lord is willing, the creek don't rise and the knees hold up, perhaps he and Jrue can be the foundation of a potential contender.

2) Let Bynum walk, spend as little money as possible this offseason, and fully embrace the concept of not being remotely competitive for at least the 2013-14 season (and maybe longer).

Sadly, as Justin alluded to, the reality is that neither one of those outcomes is likely to happen, and the Sixers WILL resort to one of the following tactics:

1) Feel the need to commit to Bynum long-term (4-5 years) because they don't think they can find an equivalent talent via other methods and/or because they need to "justify the trade."

2) Willing or unwillingly move on from Bynum, but instead spend the money on mid-tier guys such as Al Jefferson, Nikola Pekovic, et al.

I hope that I'm wrong on this, but I'm not sure that I am.

Michael Levin

Those points are all absurdly correct, Roy (though I think signing him to a one year deal would be a really bad idea -- plus he'll get much, much more on the market so it's a moot point).

And I get Dave's point about wanting to let go, as Dave speaks for the older people who assure me "the Sixers could've paid me half as much to sit on the bench all year and I would've done a better job." I've heard a variation of that from at least 10 different people, most of whom collect social security. It's the old school bitterness, the idea that the players owe the fans something and when they don't gut out an injury, they're soft. It's why people loved Iverson in spite of all the other stuff.

But when you take everything away, you're left with a simple question. Is it more like that you'll find a superstar in the 10-spot of the draft for the next three years or that Bynum will play enough to matter? If you could guarantee me the Sixers won't fall into WIN NOW AT ALL COSTS mode, I'd say less go with the draft. I love the draft. But I don't think these guys (or almost any guys, really) are capable of committing to that. And Jrue/Thad are good enough to keep them from doing it accidentally.

So at this point on a Friday morning, I say Bynum. Ask me again at lunch.

Dave Rueter

29 is the new 70 apparently.

Sean O'Connor

Be warned, this is a bit long.

First, Dave can't be considered that old, his message reads "Sent from my iPhone" and I have a BlackBerry so GET OFF MY LAWN.

Second, to me, and my opinion changes on this by the week pretty much since there is no right answer, signing Bynum makes sense if you're willing to endure a downside of painful, painful mediocracy for, at a minimum, 2 more years. If you sign Bynum to a long-term deal (and when I say long-term, I just mean 3 years - I still don't see him getting more than 3 even though I know some of you would disagree), you have to build the roster around him to win within his contract period, which means we probably can't tank even if we sign him. So if Bynum doesn't come back healthy or even at all under another contract, you get pain. Same as it ever was.

I'm not sure the upside is title contention, but by that point hopefully the team's recent positive steps (greater focus on analytics, player development, new coach) can get them to near that level, and maybe a few more moves could take them there.

At this point I think the best option for this coming year might be to pull a Portland. Create the worst bench possible and get all your value out of your starting five and see how it goes. You have Bynum's contract on the books still even if it's a failure, so if it doesn't work a full blow up may be in order. If Bynum ends up bad/unhealthy, the record should be fairly bad (if not top 5 worst, then still bad, probably a better pick than 11). If he's healthy, build around what we have. Not ideal because the one-year upside is low, but down the line it could really set a direction.

Also, the thing we always have to ask about tanking is, really, how we would go about accomplishing it? Because nowadays, you have to make moves to tank, whether it's signing Michael Beasley to an absurd contract or intentionally taking back bad contracts in trades or clogging your cap space with crappy contracts or employing DeSagana Diop. So what I'm saying is, doesn't tanking likely involve trading Thad away too? I'm assuming Jrue's here for the long haul and practically untouchable, but Thad could fetch some things if we wanted to tank.

Toot It or Boot It: Kwame Brown

2013-04-30T14:00:06Z

If you've ever been to the IKEA in South Philadelphia, you know the sight.

It's an odd place for a sprawling furniture store, within a stone's throw of the Delaware River, in plain sight of the Walt Whitman Bridge and in a surprisingly sparse area when you consider the ZIP code. But when you go to IKEA, and you park between the store and the river, you'll take in a lungful of clear(ish) air and an eyeful of surprisingly-endearing post-industrial urban renewal. It's really a very pleasant experience.

Then you'll turn around to face the river and say to yourself, "Holy shit, there's a ship in this parking lot." Because, for lack of a more delicate way of putting it, there's a ship in the parking lot.

You'll turn to face the river and see the S.S. United States moored to Pier 82. And what a sight it is. Nearly a thousand feet in length, the United States is the largest American-built passenger ship, and the fastest ocean liner in history. With its combination of sharp bow and gently-curving hull, low-set superstructure and twin smokestacks canted back like the wings on a jet fighter, it's a beautiful sight.

There are machines that are more art than engineering, whose forms fit a purpose and also bridge the gap between the functional and, frankly, the erotic. The S.S. United States is one of those machines. Even with a patina of corrosion marring its hull, you can almost see it hurtling across the Atlantic, carrying thousands of passengers in supreme comfort in the final days before airliners rendered it and its kind obsolete for good.

Even though it's spent the past 17 years tied to a pier, you can't help but dream on the possibilities that ship represents. It almost seems wrong to keep it there, even though restoring it to seaworthiness would be perhaps the worst idea in the history of economics, when you consider the cost of such a project multiplied by the remoteness of the possibility that you'd find enough people dumb enough to buy tickets for the slowest, most expensive trip money can buy across a cold, faceless expanse. It's like going to the Moon if the Moon were Liverpool.

So now they're trying to make the United States into a casino or a hotel, which sounds like a great idea, except for the fact that you'd be dealing with smaller rooms for more money than it would cost to build on dry land. There's really no reason, apart from nostalgia, to keep the ship around.

Except...what nostalgia. What a reminder of the glamorous postwar years, when American industry and ingenuity build things of such scale and ambition. When our wealth was vulgar and our might self-evident. You can't help but want the rusting hulk in the IKEA parking lot to be worth something, to be useful. You want to live in days where it would be practical to restore something that impressive and beautiful to its prime condition.

And that's why a conservation group spent $3 million on a now-worthless behemoth that we once looked at with awe and on which we dreamed impressive dreams. Dreams that we now know will go unfulfilled for all time, but not before more well-meaning people waste more time, more effort and more money on something that will go unused.

So, yes, given the opportunity, the Phillies should get rid of Kwame Brown. Or the Sixers. Them too.

You've Got Sixers Email Vol. 2: The Draft, Catfishing and Big White Guys

2013-04-27T16:00:04Z

Most of what we write about the Sixers goes into angry, rambling, semi-coherent emails that go unpublished. Until now. The following program has been edited for content and to fit the time allotted.

Michael Levin:
So, uh, Mike Brown and Brian Shaw seem to have something in common. A pretty, pretty, pretty big thing.

Michael Baumann:
Nine-letter names? Baldness?

Sean O'Connor:
For other teams, both of those coaches come up as leading candidates (though I'm not sure why in Mike Brown's case - his Lakers stint was pretty awful, and I'm not sure I want him leading a rebuilding effort anyway). So they have that in common at least. Of course, they also have an afroed bowling enthusiast in common too, which makes them about a million times more interesting candidates for us. The question is, of course, how much is the Bynum option going to affect the coaching search? Or is it pure coincidence that two leading candidates happened to coach him?

Derek Bodner:
I feel like this is jeopardy, and it was the answer to the question "exactly the type of guys I want no part of".

My hope is that this is idle speculation based off their familiarity with Bynum and that the interest is not legitimate.

Rich Hoffman:
I can imagine Trebek saying, "No we were looking for Terry Porter. Terry Porter, former Bucks and Suns coach. Derek, you still have control of the board."

Michael Levin:
Feeling like a Terry Porter/Bobby Jackson dating show where they're both the hosts AND contestants would kill ratings-wise.

Brandon Lee:
The Bynum connection doesn't make sense to me re: Brown. It seems like Bynum didn't even like him anyway.

...and as I write this, it looks like the Cavs are coming close to a deal with their former coach.

Dave Rueter:
Bobby Jackson has my vote. The Kings Summer League Team really seemed to respond to his coaching style. Heckuva blackjack player, too.

Tanner Steidel:
Bobby Jackson aka Not Tony Delk

Sent from my iPhone

Michael Levin:
Not Tony Delk could really light it up. The whole Delk clan could. Reginald, Richard, Dedalus, Delk, Duany, Littlefoot... all of 'em.

Michael Baumann:
I'd be okay with Bobby Jackson if only because he was on those turn-of-the-century Sacramento Kings teams that would have won a title if the refs didn't give the Lakers every disputed call from 1999-2003, and on top of that, allow Kobe to elbow Mike Bibby in the throat with the game on the line in the conference final and not call anything.

Tanner Steidel:
I'd take a bobby Jackson/White Chocolate tandem coaching. Especially if they did a modern day team promotional video of the sweet Nike streetball dribbling commercial. I bet Spencer's take would be life changing.

Michael Levin:
Eagles just drafted Chasey Lain. Can she play for the Sixers?

Sean O'Connor:
Speaking of drafts, is it too soon to talk about the NBA one here? Can we at least discuss what we'd like to get or what we want the Sixers to look for?

Derek Bodner:
We've started talking about the draft in December before. It's never too early around here.

Michael Levin:
I will be driving the TRADE UP! or TRADE DOWN! trains from here until Tallahassee. Staying at 11 would be the worst thing. Short of trading the pick for Drew Gooden and a Big Bang Theory lanyard.

Justin F.:
Beautiful segue, Sean.

It does not matter what we want the Sixers to do at the Draft. They are going to stay at 11 and draft Mason Plumlee. We all know this.

Roy Burton:
Shoot... I'd talk about the 2014 draft if you all would let me. #TeamWiggins

Sean O'Connor:
I'm with Levin, by the way. 11 is a terrible spot to be at in this draft. I'd feel a lot more comfortable with the likely available options at, say, 17 than 11. Or I'd like to pick top 6. Right in the middle of a wasteland.

Anyway, I have a hard time seeing them pick Plumlee unless he's far and away their BPA. I can't imagine that being the case, but, you never know.

Michael Baumann:
Does Plumlee have an accent as awesome as Lane Johnson's? Because I'm all for drafting enormous white guys, but only if they have awesome accents.

Michael Levin:
Brandon, you're an enormous white guy -- care to weigh in?

Brandon Lee:
Sure. I'm about 270 or so.

Michael Baumann:
Is Brandon enormous? I have no idea what most of y'all look like. For that matter, I'm pretty sure the only one of you guys I've met in person is Roy. Am I being catfished?

Dave Rueter:
Sorry, Mike. We can't meet up next week. My agent called. Wants me to fly to Paris for a model shoot. You understand.

Michael Baumann:
So in conclusion, we don't want the Sixers to draft anyone at No. 11. Just go "Neener neener neener I can't hear you" when the clock starts. Seems fitting enough.

Michael Levin:
I'd be cool with them Vikingsing it for the hilarity, for sure.

Michael Baumann:
Sixers basketball: For the hilarity.

Michael Levin:
For the kids!

Michael Baumann:
For your love.

Roy Burton:
For your love.

Michael Baumann:
Well I was going for the Yardbirds reference, but whatever.

Should the Sixers Re-Sign Nick Young?

2013-04-23T23:09:03Z

"Because you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" -Revelation 3:16

The Sixers were not only bad last year, but lukewarm, kind of trudging through the slop in what was less a basketball season but a powerful argument for adopting a nihilistic worldview. With one exception.

Nick Young led the Sixers in joie de vivre in 2012-13, and no other statistical categories.

Young is a luxury on a good team and one of those guys who plays way too many minutes in way too many important situations on a bad one. At his best, he's what one might call a high-volume scorer, which is a polite way of saying that he's a grossly inefficient offensive player. And on a per-minute basis, Young was second on the team in scoring behind Jrue Holiday last year, so it's not like he was a complete black hole. Plus he gives you some size to throw at opposing guards on defense. Though nobody would confuse him with Bruce Bowen.

But he also only shot 41 percent from the floor and (in a moment at Basketball-Reference that almost made me crap my pants) has more turnovers in his career than assists.

Which, as an aside, really makes him fit in as part of the legacy of those late-2000s Washington Wizards teams. You know, the ones that were built around Gilbert Arenas jacking insane shots, and transitioned into a team built around Andray Blatche jacking insane shots, with a little bit of Antawn Jamison jacking shots and Juan Dixon jacking shots in between. A smorgasboard of jacked shots in a city that leaves you spoiled for choice when it comes to metaphors--do you go for the young lawyers and startup execs jacking shots in some club off Dupont Circle, or do you go with the ill-advised shots at Ford's Theatre?

The correct way to operate a Nick Young is to stick him on the second unit and see if he can pour in a quick three baskets in five trips down the floor against the other team's reserves. But when your scoring cupboard is as bare as the Sixers' was last year, you wind up using Swaggy P in all situations, whether he's feelin' it or not. And he'll keep shooting, even if he's not feelin' it.

It's hard to imagine that the Sixers are going to have a top-notch scorer in the starting lineup next year, and, well, we know what happens when you give Young significant minutes.

The biggest reason not to bring Young back, however, is not his game (which is perfectly adequate for the sparky bench scorer, or, as I like to call it, the Vernon Maxwell Role) but his contract situation. Young, being a free agent, will probably retain his value of $5.6 million a year, if he doesn't get a raise. Because that's how contracts work in sports.

So the question is less about whether Young is a useful player, which he is when used correctly, and more about whether you can get 10 points on nine field goal attempts in 24 minutes a night for less than you can get away with paying Young.

So it might just be his association with this Razorblade Suitcase of a season, but where there was once jubilation at Swaggy's gleeful disregard for the percentages and roguish, Han Solo approach to the game (Note: I'm not sure if anyone else actually enjoyed this. It might have just been me.) we started to tire of his antics once the losses began to mount. Nobody likes carefree and gleeful when the wheels are coming off.

So it is with a heavy heart that I say the Sixers should cut ties with Nick Young, not because he can't be useful, but because he's not going to be worth the contract he'll sign in the offseason. I wish him the best, wherever he goes. Which, for the record, you can totally come live with me if you want to, Nick. If you're reading this. We can stay up all night playing video games and I'll make popcorn and everything.

Please?

You've Got Sixers Email Vol. 1: Coaching, Impotence, and Kim Batiste

2013-04-20T17:40:33Z

Michael Baumann:
Men: It's over. I feel like we've bonded, become a family through great hardship over the past several months, like the baby dinosaurs in The Land Before Time. But we all follow other sports, and we've seen Murphy's Law seasons like this one before, from the Phillies and Eagles and Temple football, to say nothing of some really frustrating Sixers seasons before this one. But this seems to stand out as the worst. Am I crazy? And if not, why?

Michael Levin:
For next season to be worse than this one, all the Sixers would have to die We Are Marshall style except Spencer Hawes, who magically survives and goes on Oprah to talk about his survival. Then the Sixers clone Willie Green four times and max them all out and there's your lineup. That would be worse than this season, but only that.

Land Before Time is the best 69 minutes of my life. Ducky rocks.

Dave Reuter:
This season was the worst. And it's not just the losing. I think we're all immune to the losing at this point. We didn't exactly break any new ground here. But this team was just so, so boring. Sure, those early/mid-90s Sixers teams were dreadful, but they at least trotted out a couple of guys over 7'5" and managed an occasional 50 point scorer (Burton; Barros). If you're gonna stink, at least entertain me. And if you're not gonna entertain me, then why are we still together? For the kids?

I guess we're still together for the kids.

Justin F.:
I was actually thinking about this earlier as I read Levin's eulogy.

This season was the worst. And like Dave said it's not because of the losing. Eddie Jordan lost more games than the Sixers this year, the Phillies are currently losing, the Eagles lost last season, the Flyers are losing this season. I can tolerate losing. I've supported teams that lost before and I'll support teams that will lose in the future. I've only been alive for one major Philadelphia sports championship. Losing is not a big deal to me. I would not be a sports fan if I could not tolerate losing.

The big deal is the dichotomy from the optimism at the beginning of the season to where the Sixers currently find themselves. It's not that they lost, it's that they lost in such a way that rips your heart out. It's that they lost while their star acquisition that was going to bring about the end of Mediocracy never played a single minute. It's that they lost while Evan Turner continued to mostly disappoint. It's that they lost while ignoring a rookie they traded back into the 1st round to get while giving Spencer Hawes 27 minutes a game. And unlike a heartbreaking playoff defeat a la the 2011 Phillies, it was not just one single knockout punch. It was an unrelenting diet of roundhouse rights to the face. I am proud that the Sixers gambled and you do that Bynum trade 100 times out of 100 if presented with the knowledge the Sixers had then, but for everything to go as bad as it did and the Sixers to still fall out of the top 10 of the draft just kills you.

Say hello to future Philadelphia 76er Mason Plumlee. Then get ready for a trade for Miles Plumlee. Then say hello to future draft pick Marshall Plumlee. Then when Philadelphia gets a professional women's volleyball team in six years, say hello to their first ever player Madeline Plumlee. Plumlee-delphia here we come. Seppuku here I come.

Sean O'Connor:

To build off what Justin just said, I think that it was more than just optimism. The Sixers made a deal to make themselves relevant, something that hasn't been the case for almost 10 years. Relevance was something we all wanted after being mid-tier flotsam for years, and Bynum was the ticket out of that.

But once Bynum became less and less of a possibility, the Sixers became more and more irrelevant, everything else came up. They turned into a sideshow, more notable for funky haircuts and post-game meltdowns and PR gaffes and Adam Aron's Twitter account and weekly interviews which had no meaning and fourth-string centers who walk to the scorer's table for candy than their on-court product.

And, sadly, this may have been a good thing when considering the quality of the basketball.

That's why I also believe it's the worst season we've endured. Combining the terrible team with the sideshow, this had everything for all the wrong reasons, and in terms of the NBA the Sixers are as irrelevant as they come. Again.

Roy Burton:

I don't know if anything will beat that post-Barkley, Doug Moe debacle back in '92-93. And lest we forget the John Lucas Era, during which Vernon Maxwell was a thing, and Richard Dumas missed the end of the season after he dropped a trash can on his foot. Here's the starting lineup the Sixers trotted out Lucas' last game: Rex Walters, Greg Sutton, Clarence Weatherspoon, Ed Pinckney and Tony Massenburg. Seriously.

Granted, this season wasn't all that enjoyable. But we did learn a few things about Jrue Holiday and Thaddeus Young that we didn't know before. And the entertainment factor provided by Swaggy P was fun while it lasted. And, for a while, we had hope. Sadly, that hope was washed away in a storm of terrible hairstyles, misguided tweets and cartilage grown in Petri dishes.

Michael Levin:
Guys, why do we write about the Sixers?

Rich Hoffman:

Besides the fact that I like basketball and am from Philadelphia? I dunno.

Part of the reason I like writing about the Sixers is that pretty much everyone that visits any forum is a diehard. I've never been happy with the amount of support that the Sixers get from what it is otherwise a great sports city. Liberty Ballers and other Sixer forums are pretty much Fight Club in the Philadelphia sports scene. I like interacting with people who care, and also beating the crap the out of them until they are bloody and can't walk.

Justin F.:
Ladies call me The Sixers because I'm hopelessly inadequate. This commonality bonds us, imploring me to write about them.

Michael Levin:
I find myself unable to have a conversation with a Sixers fan who doesn't, in some way, hate themselves for it. Also I think about the Sixers during sex sometimes and go soft instantly. It's a problem.

Justin F.:
I wish I was lucky enough to have Levin's problem.

Roy Burton:
Wait... you wish you were impotent, Justin?

Michael Levin:

UNDERRATED: Impotence.

OVERRATED: The Underrated/Overrated game. Also Wheat Thins.

Justin F.:

I wish I had a chance to know whether or not I was impotent.

Dave Reuter:

When I'm trying to avoid any premature fireworks, I recite the '93 Phillies starting line-up. (I usually start Eisenreich. Righty on the mound). That doesn't really apply to impotency, however.

Michael Levin:
Dave usually gets goin' around Uncle Milty.

Dave Reuter:

I think I made it to Dutch once.

Justin F.:

Did you create a Dutch oven as a result?

Tanner Steidel:

Alcohol could get ya to Kim Batiste.

Michael Baumann:

Who would you get to coach the Sixers?

Roy Burton:

I'd love someone like Stan Van Gundy who has a good track record and would get the fanbase excited, but I think that's a bit of a pipe dream.

Short of that, Brian Shaw would be a good choice: He has a bit of a pedigree and he's young enough that he should be able to relate to the players better than Doug did.

Brandon Lee:
To put it frankly, I don't care too much. I'm not sure how much it matters anyway. I think I'd prefer an external option (meaning not Michael Curry, although I'd like to keep him at his current job if possible?). There's some interesting names out there as far as assistants go, but I'm not sure if the Sixers could attract one.

For no good reason at all I think the Sixers hire Byron Scott.

Michael Levin:
I don't want Scott or SVG. If I had my druthers as an outed ageist, I would like them to hire the youngest coach possible. Erik Spoelstra's son. Anthony Michael Hall circa Sixteen Candles. The kid who plays Rickon. Really anyone who can't legally drink.

But yeah it doesn't really matter even if everything goes right (losing lots), since the way the NBA goes, they'll be gone before the Sixers are good anyhow. So just get me somebody who runs a fun offense. Not McKie or Curry.

Michael Baumann:

In that case, I'd go for VMI head coach Duggar Baucom, who teaches a hyperactive brand of basketball that makes Paul Westhead look like Bo Ryan. How does 50 three-point attempts a game strike you?

Michael Levin:

If it comes with Reggie Williams, Travis and Chavis Holmes, and Austin Kenon, then I am SO ON BOARD WITH THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

Sean O'Connor:

Kelvin Sampson would be my first choice, but any offensive-minded coach would be okay. I'm so sick of running offenses from the early 90s.

Michael Baumann:

Kelvin Sampson! I guess the texting nonsense doesn't really matter in the NBA, but I for one would rather not have my team's coach be best-described as "sleepy-eyed."

Though it would certainly open up the discourse to a million Half Baked references about people who have the desire to talk to Sampson.

Sean O'Connor:

These guys should be used to questionable texts by now, considering the old coach's late night texting habits and Levin's slightly inappropriate requests at all times of the day. Those probably aren't stopping, though.

As for Sampson, I like the hands-off style the coaching staff he's on in Houston has during games and the emphasis they place on practice because of that. It's a fun style to watch in games, and it's also very effective. Granted, he's older than you'd ideally want, but there's not going to be any perfect fit here.

And when Michael Beasley requests a trade here, well, we'll know why.

Roy Burton:

Stan Van Gundy doesn't want us anyway, so he can go kick rocks.

Let's all kick rocks. We'll see you next week for another episode of the You've Got Sixers Email Thread, hopefully this time with better formatting.