Hi, I'm LeBron Iver. You might remember me from such Liberty Ballers comment highlights as You, Me, and Embiid and my Nerlens Noel "Creature Fear" parody. If you haven't guessed, my gimmick around these parts is talking about the Sixers and applying it to the work of Justin Vernon, most well-known for his Grammy-winning project Bon Iver. It's been a fulfilling year of commenting and a pleasure horsing around with the likes of you.
With the season over now, it's time to reflect. According to the legendary Sporcle quiz, 28 Sixers have come through the gates this season. By my count (including some singles, b-sides, and one cover), there are 27 songs in the Bon Iver discography. See where I'm going here? Let's match songs and players.
Flume - Jason Richardson
"I move in water shore to shore" I assume this is about the injured Richardson keeping his bum leg on ice for a year.
Lump Sum - Kwame Brown
He's fat. Fat people have lumps. A sum of them.
Skinny Love - Nerlens Noel
Nerlens is skinny and I love him. That's it.
I'm sort of cheating here to get everyone represented, but who gives a hoot? These two came onto the team at the same time and are both intimately familiar with the Philly-Newark commute. They roam, like.....wolves, I guess. RIP Zo.
Blindsided - Tony Wroten
"Would you really rush out for me now?" For Wroten, that answer is YES. He'll rush for anything. He and Brett Brown are probably chasing each other around the Wells Fargo Center parking lot as we speak.
Creature Fear - Arnett Moultrie
"So many foreign worlds / So relatively fucked" Moultrie's been to many foreign worlds this season, including the disabled list, Delaware, and Brett Brown's dog house. If he doesn't come into training camp in shape next year, he's fucked, relatively.
Team - Earl Clark
Since Team flows so seamlessly from Creature Fear, I often forget that it's its own song. Similarly, I always forget that Earl Clark was a Sixer for a few hours. Be peace.
For Emma - Thaddeus Young
"With all your lies / You're still very lovable" We all know that Thaddeus Young, awful human being, lied about requesting a trade but we still love him anyway.*
*I love Thad and I'm kidding, gang! Don't hurt me!
Re: Stacks - Evan Turner
He was traded for *Bill Simmons voice* 20 cents on the dollar mainly because he was going to demand a high price tag in the offseason to resign. So the reason he was traded was regarding the stacks of money he was set to make. Re: Stacks. Eh? Eh? I'm trying.
Blood Bank - Daniel Orton
"You were rubbing both my hands / Chewing on a candy bar" RIP Danny Orton's fitness.
Beach Baby - Dewayne Dedmon
"When you're out tell your lucky one / To know that you'll leave" To me, this was the most painful non-renewal of a 10-day contract. I loved Dedmon. Breaks my heart. If you're a bird, Dewayne, I'm a bird.
Babys - Brandon Davies
Only fitting that the most sensual song on the Blood Bank EP goes to Davies, the Sixers' resident sex-haver.
Woods - Lavoy Allen
"I'm building a still / To slow down the time" This works on two levels. First, to slow down the time with Lavoy before he gets traded. Second, he's pretty darn slow.
Monster - Danny Granger
Justin Vernon only shows up for like 30 seconds in this song, just like Granger only showed up for long enough to get a physical.
Perth - James Anderson
"You're breaking your ground" Anderson had a groundbreaking game against Houston that one time and it was also pretty groundbreaking that Jimmy Buckets started over 60 games this year. Over 60!
Minnesota, WI - Spencer Hawes
Gotta give this one to the poor man's Kevin Love. It would be criminal to give Hawes a Bon Iver song that wasn't named after an American city or state (even if it is completely made up).
Holocene - Hollis Thompson
Much respect to Mike Levin for pointing out HOLLISene to me. Total missed opportunity. Welcome to Holliswood.
Towers - Henry Sims
Jeez I forgot how abstract the lyrics are on this album. Anyway, Sims City 2000 is one of the Sixers' two towers now, along with Byron Mullens (more on him now).
Michicant - Byron Mullens
It's only fitting that the second sort-of-American-place-name song goes to a poor man's Hawes. Also, "I was unafraid" describes his shooting strategy perfectly.
Hinnom, TX - Michael Carter-Williams
"Fall in / Fall out / Fall along" is the motto of MCW's shot this season.
Wash. - Jarvis Varnado
Jarvis Varnado AKA Doctor Swatson has some pretty dirty blocks. Know what you need to do after encountering a dirty block? That's right: Wash.
Calgary - Casper Ware
This song is hauntingly beautiful, like a ghost, but not just any ghost--a friendly ghost. If only there was a Sixers player who shared a name with a ghost known for being particularly friendly...
Lisbon, OH - Darius Johnson-Odom
This song is pretty short and it's instrumental so I'm assigning it to Darius Johnson-Odom, whose tenure with the Sixers was short and unremarkable.
Beth/Rest - Adonis Thomas
Like Beth/Rest, 'don Corleone showed up right at the end and proved to be a delight. Let's hope you carry on into next year and not be the last Bon Iver track maybe ever like Beth/Rest was/is.
Come Talk To Me - James Nunnally
OK I'll be honest, I've never heard this song and I had one player left to pick so I just assigned him to this one. Prove me wrong, James!
Bruised Orange - Eric Maynor
He's the motherfucker who broke the "no one over 25 has logged a single minute for the Sixers this year" streak, and he got cut pretty quickly. He must bruise easily, like an orange.
Fall Creek Boys Choir - Darius Morris
There are a lot of owl noises in this song. Owls say "hoo" which is the same thing I say whenever anyone mentions Darius Morris.
In conclusion, the Sixers are Bon Iver. This season was him building his shack in Wisconsin. 14-15 is For Emma, Forever Ago. 15-16 is Bon Iver, Bon Iver. 16-17 is winning the Grammys. See you at the parade.