The NBA schedule was officially released yesterday, and I'm all about the tanking right now. First thing I did when I got home from work last night was look through the schedule to figure out what games I can get to this season. It turns out even with working late three nights a week I should be able to make it to 27 of 41 home games. No matter how noble the cause, bearing witness to that many losses is going to take a toll on a fan's soul. In order to distract myself from the fact that we are going to lose every game, I plan on numbing the senses with a few drinks before every debacle. All are welcome to join and suggestions for other ways to spend my last year before becoming a responsible veterinary student are welcome.
Here's a brief pre-cap of how I envision a few of the key games going.
Wednesday October 30th, vs. Miami Heat: Going to try to get out of work early to get to this one. Drink of Choice-Appletini. To honor the King, we'll drink his drink of choice, the appletini. We'll also serve steak and spaghetti (pre-cut just like Lebron prefers) to all the King's loyal subjects invading the Wells Fargo Center. Inside the arena, Greg Oden dominates Spence and Lavoy down low and we acquire our first loss.
Saturday November 2nd, vs. Chicago Bulls: Derrick Rose gets his revenge. Drink of Choice-Red Bull Vodkas. To get as hyped as Joakim Noah before a game, RBV's will be the drink for our first weekend beating of the year. I see Derrick Rose scoring 33 in the first half en route to a 50 point performance. I see our lovable losin' Sixers scoring 37 in the first half en route to a 68 point performance.
Friday November 8th, vs. Cleveland Cavaliers: ANDREW BYNUM. Drink of Choice-Riot Punch. Our ex-girlfriend is coming back to town. We may have had a semi-amicable breakup, but it's time to sip some liquid courage and drunk dial her. There will be yelling. There will be crying. There will be a release of a lot of pent up emotion. At the end we may be ashamed of ourselves a little, but we leave with Uncle Drew serving up our young bucks with another loss to make things all better.
Friday November 22nd, vs. Milwaukee Bucks: Meh. Drink of Choice-Keystone Light. Cheap team, cheap beer. This one could get scary. Scary as in competitive. I see ET propelling us to a loss by taking more long twos than OJ Mayo in an offensively offensive game. Chalk up another loss.
Friday November 29th, vs. New Orleans Pelicans: Jrue Holiday's return. Drink of Choice-Moscato. In honor of Jrue's trip back to Philly, a warm and cozy wine drunk will be in order. Pleasantries are exchanged pre-game, standing ovation from the fans, and I cheer everything he does all game. Jrue returns the love by dominating us on both ends of the floor. Jrue messes around and gets a triple double and we get yet another loss.
Saturday December 7th, vs. Denver Nuggets: Taste the Rockies. Drink of Choice-Coors Light. We meet up with a fellow loser of the Howard-Bynum-Iguodala trade fiasco. December marks the beginning of the countdown to Nerlens' first game as Sixer. We lose again even as JaVale McGee tries his best to JaVale McGee us to a win.
Saturday December 14th, vs. Portland Trailblazers: Lehigh University comes to Wells Fargo. Drink of Choice-Natural Light. Going back to college for this one. C.J. McCollum and Dame Lilliard shut us out and Spencer and Kwame have to do naked laps.
Friday December 20th, vs. Brooklyn Nets: Hinkie Claus is coming to town. Drink of Choice-Egg Nog. Tis the season everyone. Kevin Garnett stars as the Grinch and we get a whole lot of coal. The Nets give us our best loss of the year, as we put up an NBA record low 48 points.
Monday January 6th, vs. Minnesota Timberwolves: Two words: Ricky Rubio. Drink of Choice-Dos Equis. I once told my mom that I would give up a kidney if Ricky Rubio could become our point guard. I still feel that way. I will get buzzed and express my man-crush on the most interesting Spaniard in the league. Meanwhile during the second half, Spencer gets fed up with Evan's pull up jumpers and proceeds to powerbomb him through the Spanish announce table. Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich are once again left tableless, and we are left winless.
Friday January 10th, vs. Detroit Pistons: Debut of Nerlens. Drink of Choice-Jack and Coke. Nerlens plays for the first time, but his debut is overshadowed by the most fun team to watch all year. Josh Smith, Andre Drummond, Greg Monroe, and Brandon Jennings out talent us by a 100 and end up beating us by 21.
Saturday January 11th, vs. New York Knicks: A team we can beat. Drink of Choice-Rum Punch. This one could get scary. If Carmelo, Bargnani, and JR Smith all have bad nights from beyond the arc, and the Knicks miss all of their 40 attempts from three, we could find a way to put up 92 points on their "Ole" defense and win this one (our highest scoring effort of the season).
Friday January 24th, vs. Toronto Raptors: Statement game. Drink of Choice-Whatever Andrew Wiggins' favorite drink is. Andrew Wiggins said he'd like to play in Canada for the Raptors. We emphatically shut the door on that one, as Sam Hinkie trades Thad and Evan for assetsss the night before this game. This means nervous Kwame is asked to step on the floor for the first time all year as the expiring contracts and draft picks from the Suns and Kings can't make it to Philly in time to suit up. Royce White plays four positions at one time after nervous Kwame passes out from being nervous, but it still isn't enough. Rudy Gay decimates us, as we solidify ourselves as the most blatant tank job in sports history.
Monday January 27th, vs. Phoenix Suns: When Tanks Collide. Drink of Choice-Tequila shots. This game could go down as the ugliest game in NBA history. Jeff Hornacek wants the Suns to score 103 points a game. That means a shot must be taken within the first 8 seconds of the shot clock on every possession. Spencer loves the idea, and decides he wants to be point guard for the night to adopt this uptempo style of play. Matt Cord plays "Shots" by LMFAO all game and things get out of hand. The newest Sun, Evan Turner, tries to sabotage our tank job by being the only player not to take contested jumpers all evening. His efforts are futile. Spencer puts up 80 field goals himself and only makes 22 of them for 51 points (career high!).
Saturday April 5th, vs. Brooklyn Nets: Being old sucks. Drink of Choice-Tom Collins. This is the time of the season where anyone named Damien Wilkins, or anyone who wants to try to be Damien Wilkins, will need to be locked up and kept as far away from the Wells Fargo Center as possible. We cannot let the fact that the Nets will be sitting out their lineup of senior citizens allow us to stumble upon some late season W's.
Monday April 14th, Boston Celtics: Last game of the season. Drink of Choice-Champagne. Cheers to a great season. We spend the night honoring Sam Hinkie and our 250 ping pong balls.