It has been a proud past couple of days here at Liberty Ballers, as all of the writers here, sans me, have been producing some terrific , draft-related content. Even Tanner (Evan Turner's evil twin), ye of the Hell Angels Bethlehem Branch, got off his hog long enough to cover a whirlwind of trades that left the Sixers with half the NBA Draft at one point.
"You would be so confused. Lucky you're not watching. Your gentle brain couldn't handle it." - Mike Levin
In what has become LB tradition beginning with the Traded Draftee Patriarch, Moe Harkless, it's only fitting that we pay our respects to our second round friends. So today, let's remember Ricky Ledo, Nate Wolters, and Glen Rice Jr.
It only takes a minute to fall in love.
Name: Ricky Nate Rice Jr.
College: Providence/South Dakota St/Georgia Tech/NBDL
Sixers Tenure: Roughly 11:15 - 11:55 PM on June 27th, 2013
Actual Dialogue from Thursday:
LBWifey: "The Sixers traded someone."
Me: Ok, I'm gonna need a little more than that."
A 2nd round pick in the LB Commentator Draft, LBWifey, has really distanced herself from the Sixers Blog Game. The more I discuss the Sixers, the more episodes of Long Island Medium and the Pioneer Woman I find on my DVR. I think she's just acting out, personally.
Notoriously, she admitted two years ago that her favorite Sixers were Russell Brand and Ty Wigginton. Wigginton was an especially interesting choice, I thought, as his struggles with the pick and roll have been well-documented.
My wife doesn't like the NBA, and she certainly didn't care for the '12-'13 Sixers. She calls the other writers here "My Little Internet Friends." And that includes Brandon, who is 7'4" with an 8'6" wingspan. Even though I subjected her to the entire Sixers playoff run two years ago, she's still under the impression that Evan Turner is a guy I work with.
"How was happy hour? Was that Evan guy there?"
So it was over a good laugh from the basketball gods, when on Thursday, while the biggest Sixers happenings of the last decade were going down, that my primary source of draft information was my wife. I was driving to Massachusetts, and since we don't text and drive (seriously, don't text and drive), it was left to MJ to provide Twitter play-by-play.
I learned a few things on Thursday. I learned that you haven't lived until your wife/girlfriend reads Mike Levin's tweets out in a dry, Sarah Silvermanesque tone - especially considering that every other word was ‘Hinkie' and written in all caps.
HINKIE HINKIE HINKIE HINKIE HINKIE HINKIE HINKIE HINKIE— Michael Levin (@Michael_Levin) June 28, 2013
I HEREBY DECREE I WILL TRY TO GROW A FLAT TOP. SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO GROW A FLAT TOP.— Michael Levin (@Michael_Levin) June 28, 2013
I made her follow draft guru, Jake Pavorsky, who she called, "Pavarotti," for the entire night.
"Pavarotti said that the Sixers traded Holiday," almost caused me to crash my car on the Connecticut interstate. And it was a bit unsettling to hear MJ read that tweet with such a lax attitude; I was like Elaine Benes, asking her boyfriend why he didn't use an exclamation point when noting that her friend just had a baby.
"Want some Gold Fish?" she added, as if trading a 23 year old All-Star point guard was commonplace.
"We traded Jrue? What!? Are you sure?"
"If I'm gonna be on Twitter the whole time, I hope Tanner starts live tweeting Full House."
(Truth be told, MJ did an admirable job. There are few things more attractive than hearing a woman say, "Bucks pick Giannis Antetokounmpo").
By the second round, we were checked into our hotel. And then things went bat shit crazy.
Glen Rice Jr.
I watched the Sixers draft Glen Rice Jr., peed, walked out of the bathroom and found out that the Sixers had traded Rice Jr. How long was I in the bathroom for? Was this some sort of Hinkie Butterfly Effect experiment?
So, yeah. I peed right through the Glen Rice Jr. Era.
The Sixers acquire Nate Wolters
By the time I checked Twitter to see if we liked Nate Wolters, he was already traded. You gotta give me five minutes here, Hinkie Voss. I just peed through our last pick's entire Sixers tenure. How can I become emotionally invested in a second round sleeper if you trade him before we get back from commercial?
Here's how it all went down.
-Talked myself into Wolters after reading two tweets
-Found out he was traded
It was like meeting a pretty girl, finding out she shot over 40% from behind the arc, and then getting introduced to her boyfriend all within three minutes.
I was actually in a hotel room with a bunch of Providence graduates.
"Hey, the Sixers got that Ricky Ledo guy."
"Never mind. We just traded him."
Sam Hinkie is a buzz saw. At this rate, I'm gonna have to hire a Remember This Guy intern to keep up with the demand. GET IT DONE, LEVIN!!!! Evan Turner and Spencer Hawes are already on notice, Kwame Brown may get shipped to Siberia, and a friend of a friend apparently saw Hinkie try to re-sell the rights to Rickey Sanchez to a couple of unsuspecting tourists on South St.
We're playing Hinkie Ball now.