Sixers Gonna Sixers, Offseason Animal Style

That's about right. - Harry How

You can take the Sixers out of Sixers, but you can't take the SIXERS out of SIXERS.

Breathe. Stretch. Shake. Whether or not you'd like to Let It Go is up to you, but with all the sudden insanity going on around the Sixers the past 24 hours, I feel like we all need to make sure our muscles are nice and loose heading into the rest of the week.

The Sixers are their very own narrative right now. I just recently started watching Friday Night Lights (MATT SARACEN WHAT UP), so I'm keenly aware of the hourlong drama elements to what these Sixers are currently experiencing. I'll break it down for you and avoid spoilers.

A STORY

The NBA Draft is rapidly approaching. It will be the first thing Sam Hinkie does as the Sixers General Manager and the whole town (well, a select few of stubborn humans who haven't given up on the Sixers to spite themselves) wants to know who the Sixers will take. Coach Taylor's first game as head coach.

Under this story as well as some of the subplots, there's a blanket of media unrest due to how silent the Sixers have been since Josh Harris hired Sam Hinkie.

B STORY

Anybody feel like coaching the Sixers? This is the Saracen/Voodoo QB controversy. Hinkie is taking his time in deciding, probably talking to his high school guidance counselor wife about the pros and cons of Chris Finch and Brett Brown -- all while the town's consultants (Doug Collins, Rod Thorn, Julius Erving) bark advice into his ear.

And the media's panties are unable to be de-bunched because they want to know who the coach will be NOW and the Sixers aren't budging. The Dudley Dursley analogy with the Brazilian snake at the zoo in Philosopher's Stone (UK, SON.) works better than any FNL one does. Hinkie is Harry, unable to control himself from magicking the glass away. Thinking about this makes me immensely happy.

C STORY

Andrew Bynum. He's some uncomfortable hybrid of Jason Street and Voodoo Taylor. Is he good for the franchise or bad for it? Will he ever walk again? Are they willing to roll the dice on him? Can we collectively avoid Spencer Hawes/Matt Saracen comps? When it seemed like all was forgotten, here comes a Big Bad Bynum Update because it's like December and shit.

Voodoo Bynum's recruiting violations much? This is where the story gets uncomfortable. Dammit, Rod Thorn Garrity.

D STORY

Adam Aron's firing. Is he actually gone? How are they Sixersing this so hard? Is Scott O'Neil officially with the team yet? Does he still have his playoff beard?

Howard Eskin, bless his black heart, usually gets stories right. If he had two sources saying the Sixers canned him, I'm guessing there's some fire to that smoke. This isn't the first time the Twitter OG has been rumored to be on his way out. But Mike Preston called me yesterday to confirm that Adam is still with the team and has not been fired.

Could be some Coach Mac/Coach Taylor friction between Hinkie and Aron, aside from the fact that they're, ya know, not coaches.

E STORY/Runners

Not many TV shows roll 5-letters deep, but the Sixers have a couple extra runners to keep in mind over the season, even if they don't make it into this particular episode.

  • Jrue Holiday getting married to Lauren Cheney -- how will that affect his play? Please don't ever get divorced, guys.
  • Will Kwame Brown pick up his player option?
  • How does Spencer Hawes feel about the Supreme Court ruling?
  • Can I jam more Game of Thrones references into this blog?
  • The Nick Young rape allegations seemed to just drift off into oblivion, didn't they?
It's a lot to keep track of, but I have faith in the writers of this television series. They can juggle plotlines like the best of them, and the narrative always wins out.

Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Not Sixers.
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