"People in general get excited when they see drums." And it is with that sentence that George "Spanky" McCurdy launches himself into Philadelphia basketball history on the leaderboard of Most Worthless Sixers Charades Ever, just next to the 2012 Playoffs player intros, Chris Webber, and anyone CSN Philly puts on the post-game show.
I don't blame Spanky -- this probably wasn't his idea. And even if it was, people have dumb ideas all the time, they just don't get greenlit by a $400+ million organization.
This is a joke. This is a joke, right? This has to be a joke. Jokes have to happen, I am waiting for the punchline. I've seen a lot of comedy and I know what a joke is and that means here comes the twist so here it comes.......Go. What? Really? Not a joke? This is a thing? A thing that is happening? In 2013? In the NBA?
Fine, let's dissect this bitch.
1. It is March and the Sixers are 15 games under .500 with 21 games left in the season. The humongous franchise player you traded for in August has played as many minutes as I have and odds are he'll be "playing" somewhere else next season. DO YOU THINK NOW IS THE BEST TIME TO BRING A DRUMLINE INTO THE FOLD? WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE AWAY BATTERIES?
2. NBA arenas are not exactly an Acoustics wet dream. Drumlines work in football -- COLLEGE football -- because it's a big open space that allows the sound to travel well without piercing your ear drums. In the Wells Fargo Center, all 18 of the fans in attendance will hear muffled drumming and overmodulation blowing out the speakers.
3. BECAUSE WHAT EVERY SIXERS FAN IN SOUTH PHILADELPHIA WANTS TO SEE IS SIX YOUNG WHITE GUYS BANGING ON DRUMS WHEN THE SIXERS ARE DOWN 18 AT HALFTIME.
4. WHY THE FART DID YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SHORTEN IT TO "DRUMSTIX"? IS THIS 2002? ARE THEY GOING TO SAY "FO' SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE" NEXT? ADDING AN "X" TO THINGS IS NOT COOL. MAYBE IF YOU HAD LIKE 4 X'S THEN I COULD DEAL BUT JUST THE ONE X? FO' SHIZZLE? WHY NOT JUST LIKE @SIXERSDRUMZZZZZ?
5. The @SixersDrumStix account only has 12 followers, even after the @Sixers account (which has 169K followers) linked people to them. Great job, Twitter.
This may be worse than the Mascot Voting last year. If you haven't quite gotten how ridiculous this is, let me tell you a story.
Elliot heard the beeping long before his mind caught up with him. His eyes flickered open and his other senses slowly returned. The scratchy blanket stripped of comfort from an excess of washes. The faint smell of death and plastic getting stronger.
"El. El it's Vivian. Do you remember what happened?"
He couldn't yet speak. Or he chose not to, for fear of making it more real.
"You were in an accident. You've been in a coma for two weeks. They said you have a concussion and..."
Vivian wasn't his wife. In fact, they barely knew each other. Tomorrow was supposed to be their fourth date. Elliot realized his Tomorrow was two weeks ago. He was simultaneously impressed and terrified that she stayed.
But still, he couldn't expect her to deliver this news. He already knew anyway.
The doctor entered. Stiff-looking man. A little too put together. After he told Elliot he'd never walk again, he'd wash his hands and lock this memory away because that's what he had to do to keep himself from feeling.
Elliot asked Vivian for some Jell-o. She told him that on the bright side, this hospital has a ball pit like they have at McDonald's. Then Elliot died.