"Please verify you are who you say you are by writing these sentences in cursive." - Hannah Johnston
We already know how Sixers The Tanking Octopus feels.
There has been much discussion as of late as to whether or not the Sixers should be tanking games in order to land a better pick in the upcoming draft, of if they should stick it out, try their best to win as many games as possible, and hope to sneak in as an 8-seed in the playoffs.
If this discussion has you confused or torn, worry no more. I have designed this completely flawless quiz that is sure to determine the state of your team and how they should progress for the rest of the season. Is your team good enough to make the Finals? Is your team bad enough to land a top pick in the draft lottery? If the issue of tanking is one that has caused great consternation for yourself, take this quiz that is sure to provide the answer to tanking once and for all.
1. What would your coach say is the best shot in basketball?
A). Lay-up from inside the paint.
B). Three point field goal.
C). 16-foot jump shot from a shooting guard.
D). Spencer Hawes from 21-feet out.
2. What characteristic is your team most looking for in their free agent/trade acquisitions?
A). Elite talent capable of elevating the team to that long-coveted championship. Plan the parade!
B). A complimentary 2nd or 3rd piece that finally puts your team over the top into championship contention. The time is now!
C). A bench player capable of giving a productive 15 minutes off the bench. Anything to edge out the Lakers for that 8-seed.
D). Someone who has been with six teams in the past five years. Yeaaaaaah, experience!
3. What is the most positive story currently surrounding your team?
A). Superstar player records another ho-hum triple-double.
B). The team is leading their weak division and is in prime position to pose a challenge to a top team in the playoffs
C). A big win over the Sixers gets you one step closer to locking down a playoff spot.
D). Bench player got a haircut
4. During a press conference, the coach gets asked a challenging question poking at the very issues surrounding a team. What's his answer?
A). "We are winning over 70% of our games. Chillax, yo."
B). "I noticed James Harden's 19-foot jump shot in the 2nd quarter as well, and will work on correcting that mistake."
C). "Monta Ellis's 2-15 tonight was not his best performance, but I allow him to continue shooting because he is capable of shooting himself out of his slumps."
D. "I would never ever blame my players for anything, but come on these people f***ing sucked tonight."
5. Which of the following sentences best describes your team's attitude toward shooting free throws?
A). "The more free throws the better! What's not to like? They are free. And they are throws. At the basket."
B). "We try our best to get to the line, we really do, but sometimes the open look from mid-range is too tasty to pass up."
C). "Protecting the ball is more important than driving to the basket and getting the line. Can't have those turnovers."
D). "Without Tony Battie to help us think of our offspring, we have lost all will to get to the line."
6. Which of the following tweets is most likely to come from your team's PR people following a game?
A). "Kevin Durant goes HAM as the Thunder overcome the Clippers."
B). "Tough loss, but the Nets are 34-0 when they outscore their opponent. They will be fine as long as they do that in the games to come."
C). "Rudy Gay with a game-winning buzzer beater! Raptors win! Raptors win!"
D). "Check out this awesome dunk by Nikola Vucevic! [NBA video link]" ....seconds after a loss to the Bobcats.
7. What is your team's favorite play?
A). An intricate and complex diverse set of plays designed to keep teams off-guard and guessing
B). Pick-and-rolls with a competent point guard and an elite big man.
C). A steady diet of isolations
D). Les Miserables.
8. What is the nicest thing fans are saying about your team at the moment?
A). "Watching all these superstars play together in such harmony is a thrill beyond my wildest dreams."
B). "Every time Blake Griffin posterizes someone, an angel gets its wings."
C). "With all the publicity from the Heat coming to town in May, we might be able to lure Dwight Howard away from Los Angeles!"
D). "...And then they brought out the biggest t-shirt gun I've ever seen!"
Now count up the number of times you chose each letter answer and check below to see where your team is currently at.
Mostly A's: Get ready for the NBA Finals!
Mostly B's: You're not there yet, but be patient! With a few smart moves, this team is on its way to legitimate championship contention.
Mostly C's: Welcome to Mediocracy! May I take your order?
Mostly D's: TANK TANK TANK TANK TANK TANK TANK TANK